Silent Knight: Memoirs of a Royal Guard
By Anzel

Reviewed by Rinnaul

This story was selected for review using a very involved, highly complex procedure that assured I’d pick something that was the best possible match for me.

Quick Recommendation: Nothing spectacular, but enjoyable enough that I plan on finishing it later. Particularly recommended for fans of Luna, the royal guard, or OC-centric stories.

You actually had a chance for some solid characterization, here, but weakened it by letting the character “go with his gut”. We see his reasoning — he sees the princess looking out for her sister, and relates to that desire as he has siblings of his own. But he doesn’t base his decision on that. Instead, he waves it off as a gut feeling, and only brings up the parallel when asked.

Again, we come close to something stronger, but miss it by an inch. If Silent joined the Royal Guard not on his father’s wishes alone, but out of a personal desire, it makes his decision to serve Luna that much more of a sacrifice. He’s absolutely enthralled by Celestia’s smile. If he was secretly infatuated with the Princess, it would be all the more reason to stay with the Royal Guard, and his choice would have carried more weight. Waving it off as just having a thing for unicorns kills the potential here.

I’m also not sure what exactly he means with that “family forgives” line. If he had estranged family, it would make sense, but nothing so far seems to fit that. This is another point where it seems like his life could have been a mundane parallel to Celestia’s, but just missed it.

His reasoning, at least what he gives others, changes in the second chapter. Frankly, I’d have preferred an elaboration on his original “family” explanation. It’s been at least a month, so he’s certainly had time to think of it.

Also, a note on archaic speech. Many people have Luna use “thou” to make her distant and overly formal. However, “thou” was the familiar term. “You” is more formal. English dropped “thou” in favor of more polite speech.

Hand mare? Why not hoof-maid?

And hey, you took a tired old meme and actually went somewhere with it. Unfortunately, that ended the chapter on a bit of a dull note.

Shining Armor suggesting that Silent take some time off in chapter four actually makes the character feel a bit blander. Like I was getting this impression of a family-oriented all-around good guy, and now he’s turning into this by-the-books regulation-quoting roboguard with no personality outside his position.

There’s hints of a growing romance between Silent Knight and his partner, but his general lack of emotion is hampering things more and more. A first-person story can really suffer from an unrelatable protagonist.

And a bit further in, that emotionless nature is actually getting a bit inconsistent. Well, noticeably so. In chapter one, Silent was willing to go with his gut and do what he felt was right. Then we had a few chapters of regulation-quoting roboguard. And now, after most of a chapter of that, he’s suddenly saying “screw the rules, I’m doing what’s right”. Having him progress from that dull and stoic persona into one that does say “screw the rules” would make for a solid character arc, but here it seems to be less a progression and more just random back-and-forth changes.

While I can appreciate the seeming overall intent of the story to take Silent from an unfun, literal-minded stick-in-the-mud to someone actually capable of comprehending “fun”, there are limits to it. Having him not understand the concept of a work of literary fiction goes beyond what’s believable for anyone, no matter how literal-minded they are. Particularly when he clearly knows what it is just a few paragraphs later.

It’s getting a bit annoying to see “thou” constantly when it’s the only form of archaic speech she uses. While neither is entirely proper, “thou art” at least follows the Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe trope, and is something the reader kind of expects to see, while “thou are” just looks strange.

This is so, thanks to Equestria’s weak copyright laws and the absence of a giant mouse corporation that compels bureaucrats to extend such rights well beyond what is reasonable.

I can’t say you don’t have a point, but the sudden fourth wall break in a story that had, up until now, a minimum of meta-humor was a particularly severe swerve.

I did like pretty much the entire chapter about the Gala, though. And that they were playing Ticket to Ride.

But, at 8 chapters and over 10,000 words, I think I’ve read far enough for commentary.

Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe aside, the story is well-written. For once, I don’t notice any typos or spelling/grammar mistakes severe enough to give me pause or stick out in my memory.

It’s a concept that can easily be done poorly: the OC’s adventures in the background of the main story. The potential for a bad treatment doubles when said OC is strongly connected to a major canon character, such as our OC here being Luna’s first guardspony. However, in this case, it’s handled very well. Silent Knight’s adventures are interesting without ever giving the impression that they’re trying to be more important than the canon story.

My one major complaint is characterization. Silent Knight isn’t always consistent in his thoughts and actions, and his overall character (the stoic, unfun one) is hard to relate to, and can become frustrating at times. It’s not nearly enough to sink the story, but it did have me starting to lose interest by the 6th chapter or so. His overall lack of character also leaves me wondering just what it is that Iridescence sees in him. And as I said above, it keeps feeling like there’s a stronger character just barely out of reach.

I read a couple more chapters in, because I noticed Chapter 10 was titled “Realizations”, and I was hoping that meant Silent Knight got some character development. And, arguably, he does. The romance progresses in a way that’s cutely awkward, if handled clumsily. More hints about Silent’s family life came up, but they’re still too scattered to really push the reader in one direction. And he’s still a literal-minded dunce. All in all, it seems to be progressing just as it has been.

Finally, this doesn't seem like it's an AU, at least by the end of Chapter 10. These could all easily be "offscreen" events taking place during the show. But, perhaps the author has something different in mind for later chapters.

I doubt you’ll take me up on this, as it would involve a full rewrite, but I find that these sort of wallflower protagonists are best served by an omniscient point of view. That allows the narrator to engage the reader when the main character can’t.

Silent Knight could be a more interesting character beyond that, however. He really needs to be a bit more introspective and self-aware. Instead of having him make a decision on a “gut feeling” without understanding it himself, and then throw out an explanation later that is probably true, allow him to think through his reasons and reach that conclusion himself. It would show us so much more of the character. Leave the “guy feeling and explain it later” stuff for situations where he doesn’t have time to think about it.

You might tone back the literal-minded jokes, as well. They become implausible to the point of absurdity at times — and not in a funny way.

The meta-humor and references can get intrusive at times. You might want to be a bit more subtle with those.

This wasn’t spectacular, and I don’t really feel like reading the other three-fourths of it just yet, but I may still come back and finish it later. All in all, quite strong for an OC-focused story.

Recommended.

Oh god, if you think this character is teetering on a disaster then you should read my story.

Thank you for taking the time to read through the first ten chapters. It has been a great opportunity for me to get into the group and have a read through.

I can't believe I didn't get hoof-maid. Oh well ;) that one I'll steal.

All in all I understand your criticism and certainly agree on some points. Trying to match Luna's lack of understanding of modern language has been a bit nightmarish. That was one big item of "being like the show" I should have let go.

Of the story, truthfully, the first ten chapters are probably the weakest. I hadn't written in a while and they literally represent my first work when I started back. They don't make the best first impression but I'm comfortable enough with them and really hit my stride not too much further into the story. I am disappointed they weren't engaging enough for you to receive a true sample of the total work but I'm comfortable enough with the review.

Once again, thank you for taking the time. It is much appreciated!

If this OC bugs you then mine is gonna probably suck

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I wouldn't call it "teetering on disaster" or even that he really sucks. More he just falls flat because the narrative doesn't try to get into his head.

What I'd call bad OCs would be this one for being an unlikable asshole, or this one for being a Mary Sue, and the latter is still likable enough that it could be easily fixed in a rewrite.

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I see, Thank you Rinnaul, hoping from my review from someone soon, in any event please take your time about this, I know how much work goes into your reviews and I don't you to rush because of me

Thanks

4027290 i was just joking about a character being easily abused because of what they do. I don't mind them as long as they're tolerable (and not Princess Woona's uber dak emo goffic best guard buddies) because my mantra is that if it were easy someone else would do it.

One of my OC's is an assassin (more context needs to be given before judgement) and the other is, well, I'm not telling!

4028689 I mean he kills people who he's told to.