The Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! 1,289 members · 149 stories
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Before Reading: The word count isn't much over the 1k word limit, and the summary is pretty vague. I'm worried that the story won't have much meat to it, but the like ratio and the comments are both good, so I'm going in with high expectations.

Plot: Solid enough. It definitely could've (and arguably should've) been a bit longer and more fleshed out, but hey, it got in, got out, and did what it had to nicely and neatly somewhere in between. I have no real qualms here.

Characters: As for Vinyl and Octavia, the word that comes to mind is cookie-cutter. There wasn't much there, and what was there was typical of their general fanon characterizations. Because of that absence of depth, there wasn't much to hold onto, so I didn't really care about them at all.

I did find myself a little frustrated with Octavia's mother and the judges, too. I get why they might not like Vinyl—not everybody is going to like everybody else, and I can see definitely see where some elitist musicians would be frustrated with Vinyl's type—but that's no reason for Octavia's mother to disown her, or for the judges to deny her the chance at a career. She is not Vinyl. It's extremely shallow for people who should care about her not only to to base her worth on assumptions about someone she's involved with, but to deem her no longer worth their time because of it. Really, I suppose it just felt contrived, and even just tad too much like we were being told what to feel, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

Execution:

She felt a hoof run down her side, sending shivers down her spine.. Octavia looked up, into Vinyl’s smirk.

This quote has an erroneous double period. I only bother to point it out because it's really the only technical problem the story has. Grammar and syntax were fine, "to be" verbs weren't overused, and, if anything, I felt that adverbs were underused (which is just my preference for flowery prose showing :rainbowwild:).

My advice? Write longer. All the legitimate issues I found, few as they were, could be solved by fleshing the story out a bit more. But even so, it was still enjoyable, and did a lot of things right.

Verdict: Recommended

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Thank you for the review! It gives me a bit to work on, but it is pretty encouraging that you seemed to enjoy it overall.

I am trying to flesh out stories more, but for whatever reason, it is incredibly difficult for me to do so. I dunno. I guess I just have a very bare-bones style. In the end, my attempts at adding detail seem to just be tacked-on and don't add anything, other than filler to pad the word count.

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