The Crusaders of Justice

By: WezzaHD

Well, Hello people/ponies/minotaurs and.... No, I'm not going through the list of all exciting species!, that is stupid!

Anyway, I had the pleasure of tasting this bit of steak. (Sorry Avox, I'm taking your cuisine style for a bit.). What did I think? Well, I think It could of been cooked a bit more. The whole thing was still mooing when I got it. I'll proceed to explain.

Narrative

Now, when I started reading this story, I had a hard to grasping on what was going on. So, let me just give you the synopsis here.

Two friends lost, one princess in a deep depression, and it's up to the adult CMC to help Ponyville. But can they overcome the obstacles that get in their way, including a corrupt businessmare and a mysterious cult?

OK, well, not much to go on by really. The world is in chaos without Discord... maybe. And here we have lack of information to really grasp readers attention. I know I would not even touched this story if it were not added to the folder for that alone. So, it would probably be wise to rework the description first, because that is more like a short description, not the long.

Now, going into the story, the very first paragraph... Well, I found it dry. I have nothing wrong with having a bit of mystery, and questions on why things are going on... but I feel no pull. The steak is just raw. There are no mashed potatoes, there's no gravy... and most of all, there is no drink to wash down the meet!

The prose are all beige, everything is described with little to no words, and the world feels bland. I know it's a dark story, but still, the pony world is colorful, even when things are bad. The worst part is, I don't even know how things smell, feel or anything... Everything was just told.

Names are tossed out left and right with now proper feel to why the names are important... or if they will ever be.

On top of all that the story is very fast paced. I guess I'm the type of guy who love detail in stories, and have no shame in seeing paragraphs describing the muscle moment of a pony walking down the way. (Bulk Biceps)

So all in all, Narrative...

2/5

Characterization

Some things are out of the ordinary here. Things that do need to be explained. One, I know Twilight will never just shut herself in like that, not without looking hard for her friends. So, why is there no information there? One does not simply have a character do something without some plane to why they do it. Sure, reason does not have to be explained right away, but it's nice to have that reason.

Scootaloo was well done, taking after Rainbowdash in her own unique way. Applause there.

Other than that, all the character writing felt dry. Like... really dry.

Characterization 2/5

Grammar:

...
OK, where do I start...

So, most people who have watched me go about derping on the internet have noticed that I have a major grammatical dysfunction. I have a hard time catching and seeing errors that should be obvious. Having failed English in school quite a bit... (But A's in all other subjects)... I have a hard time seeing Grammatical errors. Well, there are some issues I have right of the bat, just in the first paragraph.

actually, the second scene.

You know the part when the Mare, or Stallion, you that part... the chase scene between the confused gender and the cult. Here, let me put in a segment.

"You know what we want, just give it to us and we promise you won't die." One of them stepped forward and spoke with a gruff voice. He held out his hoof and stood there, while the earth pony trembled in the corner, he knew they would get what was in the bag either way, but he knew what was in the bag, and who knew what they wanted with it. He gave up, and held out his saddlebag.

OK, everything up to this point was saying she was a mare... now a stallion? And that problem shows up all over the place. As well with a slew of other problems that needs attention from an editor.

Grammar 1/5

Overall

Was that harsh? Probably. So let me give you some sugar.

You ideas are amazing, and have great potential! Don't give up, but find those who are able to help you. Get some friends.

Now, where did I hear that before?

To the point.

You are a lot like me when I first started, no kidding. My first stories had flaws similar to yours. So how did I get better? I found some awesome people to chat with and assist in their stories. In turn I got help with my own stories. I found editors, and I did some heavy research on how to be a better writer.

I think you can do it, so just do some major polishing on this story. Add some side dishes, make people crave more instead of just giving them unseasoned meet. Hope I have helped a little bit and have not discouraged you. Best of luck!

Mr. Flare

~Needs Work~

~Make Life an Adventure~

I am not very good with descriptions, so I just tried to think of whatever came off of the top of my head so it wouldn't sound bland.

One, I know Twilight will never just shut herself in like that, not without looking hard for her friends. So, why is there no information there?

I had realized this, and wanted to establish that they had in future chapters. I didn't edit it in because it might be confusing for those already reading it. If you can give me other examples where my characterization needs work that'd be great.

As for grammar, I've gotten complaints about that in another story of mine, and I've been trying to clean that one up. I'm actually looking for a prereader and I'm starting to use Microsoft Word which I didn't bother to use in the past. Everything else is fair.

Maybe I submitted it too early on.

3888156
No, you didn't submit to early on. If anything, just in time. Now, right now I'm tired, as in I just sat in a theater for 8+ hours for the Hobbit marathon. I'll be sure to get back to you on more examples.

Glad to hear that you are using word now, that will help you lots.

Will get back to you soon.

Mr. Flare