The Crusaders of Justice

Source

Two friends lost, one princess in a deep depression, and it's up to the adult CMC to help Ponyville. But can they overcome the obstacles that get in their way, including a corrupt businessmare and a mysterious cult?

(Cover art does not belong to me. Click on the source to find the real owner)

Chapters (4)

Introduction · 13th Oct 2014 · 2,448 words
2,448
Download .txt
Download .html
How it Began · 13th Oct 2014 · 3,372 words
3,372
Download .txt
Download .html
Monster in the Night · 29th Oct 2014 · 2,817 words
2,817
Download .txt
Download .html
The Shining Eclipse · 1st May 2015 · 2,694 words
2,694
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Emptybee

Emptybee #1 · Oct 25th, 2014 · 1 · · Introduction ·

Some issues:

"Scootaloo ran, she was running like she never ran before." - Wrong tense, should be ran.
"She didn't think, she just ran in afterwards." - afterward
"She saw her, she was getting in a chariot" - You keep using the same pronoun to refer to Scootaloo and the mysterious she, it's confusing to the reader.
"She merely entered the box with wheel they called a chariot," - wheels
"She heard, but didn't turn back." - Then how does Scootaloo know she heard?
"She saw an indigo pony with black hair and a light blue cloak to match," - the pony is indigo, the hair is black, the cloak is blue. How do any of those match?
"a chariot with no windows."&"and the doors closed." - Chariots don't have either doors or windows, that would be a coach.

Note that's just the first two paragraphs. It needs a good pass by a proofreader or better yet a real editor.

WezzaHD

WezzaHD #2 · Oct 25th, 2014 · · · How it Began ·

5183508
tried to fix most of these mistakes (thanks for pointing them out), except:
Scootaloo doesn't know she heard, but is in a relatively close proximity.
I am not sure what you mean when you say that the colours don't match.
Also, how is the story? And how would you rate the whole thing so far, overall?

Hopeful Soul