Hello hello!

There seems to have been some concern about Carts and Elec's pace in being able to review the amazing number of stories this group has garnered, so quickly I might add, which is where I come in.

Hi. I'm Typewriterpony.

So here's the long and short of it: if you aren't so willing to wait for CartsBeforeHorses and/or ElectreXcessive to read and review your fic, feel free to put a request for me to do so!

Don't forget the group's arbitrary set of criteria: the fic must be over one week old if a one-shot and over one month if it’s a multi-chap, less than fifty likes, or less than one-hundred and fifty views

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What to expect from my reviews:

I'll - take a look at your fic and make a general summary of my thoughts, pointing out things that stuck out for me (for good or for bad).
- make some recommendations in regards to fixing story flow, adding some excitement to the idea, etc
- ???
- profit

Disclaimer: Writers that accept the offer of taking part in a Grumpy Guest Review, to be referred as a Grumpy Review™, by posting a link or listing the name of a fanfiction or asking to have their story reviewed by way of thread response, PM, carrier pigeon, e-mail, etc, automatically agree to take observations and comments of Typewriterpony with a thick skin in the chance of differences of opinion on the quality/value/worth/"originality"/literary "experimentation" or any similar apologia, to be referred to as an explanation/reason for events within a story/writing. A Grumpy Review™ is not meant to be taken as a professional analysis of a Friendship is Magic™ fanfiction. A Grumpy Review™ is not an attack on the Writer's personal beliefs of any sort on any level. Statements made within a Grumpy Review™ and by Typewriterpony on behalf of Grumpy Review™ do not reflect upon the opinion(s)/official stance of CartsBeforeHorses, ElectreXcessive, any future administrative members of Under-appreciated Extravaganza or the Under-appreciated Extravaganza group. Keep children 12 years old or younger out of direct contact with Grumpy Review™. Use of Grumpy Review™ outside of directed instructions voids lifetime warranty. If ingested, call Poison Control Center.

Could you review The Party Is Over? It's my only attempt at comedy writing at the moment, and I'd be curious to see what you think of it.

Pinkie Pie learns about the inevitable death of every living thing in the universe. Her usual brand of insanity commences.

Any chance you could reveiw the first chapter of my story Express Yourself? It's basically about a story about a group of musicians coming together and making a brand new genre, while having to deal with censorship along the way.

1860143

How about my still-in-progress fic, Two Emerald Hearts? It is my first attempt at a slice of life romance, and a part of a larger series of stories that will culminate in one big adventure fic. It is only in the beginning stages for now, but I am having fun experimenting with a unique blend of a ponified human in Equestria and a split-personality OC character.

1860143 I see you put the disclaimer in small letters

Oh, and if you don't mind, I'd appreciate some criticism on my story Switching Sides.

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Wouldst thou mind reading my little crossover?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/117974/coolest-cat-in-the-citadel

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Grumpy Review #1 - The Party Is Over by SpaceCommie

Let's start at the beginning, which hints on the fic's raison d'etre of exploring the end of the world. The summary already contains words like "Judgement Day," "Ragnarok" and even the chapter title, which technically is made into babble by shoving Pinkie's name in the middle of it like my flabby self into a pair of jeans, is a reference to a more famous-ish political/theoretical saying immanentize the eschaton (thank you, Wikipedia). If the word "eschatology" rings a bell then you're already ahead of the class. Hopefully the theme should be obvious at this point if the summary itself didn't tip you off.

...and we're dropped smack dab into the end of a conversation. Get it? Ha. Never mind the context or even the scene itself, like where they are - the ponies could be on the stage of a minimalist off-Broadway production for all we know - Pinkie Pie ignoring her friend because Pinkie's so random is great! After referring Charlie Brown and Twilight using science as a verb, we get to the crux of the fic very quickly by explaining universal entropy by way of a party that ends...woo fun times, woo...

After her hardcore science-ing, Pinkie turns despondent like a college freshman that took Philosophy for the first time, and after a few attempts at Pinkie-isms on her way home, she is eventually cheered up toward the end by a very sage Mrs. Cake.

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It would be in your best interest to set the scene a bit better. Take the time and add to what you have already; don't wait until a third of the way into the story to state that they were in the library. Better yet, you could start the story off with Pinkie showing up and wanting to invite Twilight to do something more fun, Twilight explains she is doing just that (at least for her) and Pinkie tries to see what's fun about it (with maybe a cute little Pinkie debate in her own mind where it's decided that doing things her friends find fun was also good) - this would put into place the major party pooping when Twilight goes into a super science explanation.

A more in-process of Pinkie's reluctant boredom would be way more exciting to read about than just an after-the-fact exposition. A big part of the humor can come from that, especially if it intersperses with Twilight's unintentionally party-pooping about the universe. At the point when Twilight states that there's billions of years left before the "party ended," it felt to me that you missed the chance for a huge gag, though like all jokes there needs to be the set up before the punchline

Pinkie tries to imagine a way to get the sun to get its act together and when she tries to give the Stare to the Sun, goes "Ouchy!" from staring at the Sun which makes her upset.

The narrative voice is obviously omniscient and omnipresent, but it's a bit annoying how much it seemed to want to be a "part of the party" - through the narration you show off how smarty-smart smart you are, yes, but it turns the whole story very prosaic and robs a bit of the fun to be had. For every action there's a reaction; when Pinkie bounces out of the library, is she still moving when she looks distrustfully at the sun or did she stop; when Pinkie kicks a deflated balloon desultorily, where did that piece of rubber end up?

Overall there's a lot of detail you need to add - comedy needs set ups and punchlines, not references and randomness. Directly addressing the reader, using "you" instead of "one." "You didn't last long in Ponyville" interrupts the flow and aims to be more referential of Pinkie's randomness to the fandom at large rather than "One didn't last long in Ponyville." A better balance between what's going on and where the scene is needs to be better established. It's a pretty smart metaphor, a nice positive moral, and a fun self-encapsulated Pinkie Pie story.

After making your changes you're sure to get a lot more looks - but first thing is to get rid of that quote in the summary since "Pinkie Pie is suddenly forced to confront the inevitable (albeit distant) end of all things, and does so about as well as you'd expect." is enticing enough. You can use "Eventually there’s nopony left at the party. It’s over. There is no more party." (without the quotes) as the short-summary.

Let us know when you've made the changes and be sure to keep what I've said for future comedy fics you want to write (set up and punchline good! References and non sequitur instances meh).

Don't be a stranger, now ~

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Well, guess I was asking for it, literally. Thanks for the (perfectly accurate) review.

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The fact that you're an editor made it that much easier to sift through what you can improve upon. Like I said you have a solid idea, it's just that you need to add a bit more in order to garner attention/likes/faves.

I really hope to re-read your fic after you make adjustments to it - I'll be better able to spread the word to get others to check it out too. (And I'll do a follow up review)

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Heh. I wrote it in about an hour in an attempt to combat writer's block. Editing it is definitely on my to-do list, but not high on it.

Dude, is this still open?

If so, can you review mine? A Thousand Year Peace

Thanks!