So, I'm writing a story about Sunset Shimmer called Sunset Sunrise where the sunsets on her old life as the school's tyrant and rises on her new life as a much nicer person, if a little unsure about herself and her new role in life. Well I've had several people complaining that it doesn't show enough and when asked how they would suggest I improve it, no replies. So I rewrote part of the first chapter using another writing style instead of the first person view I was experimenting with. I was hoping eery pony here could help decide which style for the story is better, the original first person view or the rewritten 3rd (I think it's called 3rd) person view?

Original Story: Sunset Sunrise

Rewritten Part of Chapter 1:
‘I hate my life…’ Was the prevaliant thought coursing through Sunset Shimmer’s mind as she took one painful step after another. She no longer had anything but the clothes on her back consisting of a dirty black skirt with several rips along the bottom hemline and an old tee, one of her oldest shirts that was white with her cutie mark printed across the front proudly reminding her where she came from though now she wished she was still there. Her boots was actually in better condition that her clothing and kept her lower legs warmed, but she couldn’t help wishing for anything such as tights, stockings or even hose to provide even a little warmth in the chill night air. At least her now mostly ruined leather jacket provided some warmth for her upper body, even if she was still hugging herself trying to warm herself.

The weather wasn’t the reason she was chilling so much, it was the fact that she had finally hit rock bottom and knew it. She had no other choices but accept the offer that some sleazeball offered her earlier in the week. It was something she had never dreamed she would be forced into and it was killing her on the inside. She had nowhere else to turn though as not one person wanted her around after what she had done…and she couldn’t blame them. If she was honest with herself then she didn’t really want herself around either.

Painfully taking one step after another, she forced herself to cross the road in the worse section of Canterlot. It was on the outskirts of town where drug sellers and prostitues could be found on almost every other corner. It was also the location of where she would possibly be working from now on as neon lights washed over her illuiminating some of the darkness.

For what seemed like the thousandth time over the last week she found herself crying as she looked up at the vulgar looking signs. Neon lights glowed brightly, taking the shape of a woman’s body reminding Sunset once again just what he place was. It was what some people called a gentleman’s club…but it was much worse than that. It was a strip joint that catered to the darker side of things with rumors of drugs and the exchange of money for favors running rampant throughout the area…yet nobody stopped it.

There was noone to stop the things that went on inside of the building…and no one to stop her from being forced by circumstances to come here seeking the owner who promised her a job. A job that he promised would only be stripping, but no matter how much she told herself that she could believe him…a small voice inside of her cried out that it was a lie…that if she set foot inside that door things would spin faster out of control than she could handle and she would be trapped.

Not that she wasn’t already trapped…

Once again she tried to think of a reason not to kill herself, but she couldn’t really find anything…just a voice that seemed to beg her not to give up hope just yet…

7 DAYS AGO…FRIDAY…

Sunset crawled from the deep crater in the ground she found herself in, the pain every movement caused as well as the confusion sweeping through her entire being make tears flow as if they were twin rivers.

“You will never rule in Equestria.” Twilight had said advancing on Sunset who looked up in fear, knowing who this person…who this pony was though to her it was more like a dream. She could see everything going on, knew everything that she did, yet to her it was as if someone else was doing it. It was like she didn’t have control of her body until…now. It felt like she was being punished for the sins of someone else…yet she knew they were her sins. “And any power that you may have had in this world is gone. Tonight you’ve shown everyone who you really are. You’ve shown them all what is in your heart.”

“I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…I didn’t know there was another way!” Sunset sobbed out, meaning every word since she didn’t. For so long all that was inside of her was hate and anger, something that fueled everything she did even if she wanted to deny she did it. She wanted to claim that it wasn’t her…yet it was…wasn’t it? She had did it…every single, hateful and hurtful thing…she was a monster…

“The magic of friendship doesn’t just exist in Equestria…it’s everywhere.” Twilight had said waving her hand behind her where the only thing Sunset saw was the mistrust and nervous shuffling of the girls that helped stop her. Only Fluttershy looked down at her in pity for her, a spark of something in the shy girl’s eyes. Twilight never noticed any of this though as she continued, “You can seek it our or you can forever be alone…the choice is yours.”

“But all I’ve done since I’ve been here is drive everyone apart. I don’t know the first thing about friendship!” Sunset sobbed out, shaking as Twilight gave her an encouraging smile while helping her to her feet.

“Then I’m sure the girls would be happy to help teach you.” Twilight said, giving an encouraging smile while the girls surrounding her all seemed to shake their heads once again being missed by Twilight. The only person who wasn’t looking at Sunset as if she was a monster was the one who probably had the most reason to see her as one, Fluttershy…

Sunset watched as Celestia approached drawing all of them except Sunset away from the now ruined main entrance of the school. Watching everyone move away from her, most of them shooting hateful glares her way, Sunset couldn’t help feeling more alone than she had ever been in her life. Sure she felt alone before now, but the dark negative emotions filling her being until now filled that void. Now there was a huge voice inside of her that felt as if it would swallow her up at any moment.

“I hope you know how to use one of these.” A very angry sounding vice-principal Luna growled out, Snips and Snails following the older woman with venom filled glares for Sunset. It reminded Sunset that she may not have been alone as she thought as she had the boys, but seeing the look in their eyes made her swallow nervously. She had lost any chance of salvaging her relationship with her cronies who she should have treated as friends instead of lapdogs.

“I…you can’t be serious…” Sunset sputtered out. Did this woman actually expect a teenager, a teenage girl to know how to do construction work?

“I am very serious Miss Shimmer. You and your friends will be cleaning this up the rest of the night until the dance ends.” Luna snarled, getting into Sunset’s face scaring the girl a little. She had never seen the vice-principal this angry before…then again angry didn’t even begin to describe the levels of rage the woman was feeling if the angry flush and hate filled eyes was any indication.

“And then?” Sunset asked, feeling afraid of this woman for some reason.

“And then you better watch your step.” Luna snapped before spinning around and stomping off. Sunset couldn’t help watching in shock until Snips stomped on her foot as the two boys walked by pushing a wheel barrel making her cry out in pain.

“Oops, sorry about the Sunset.” Snails laughed out, the sneer on his face saying he didn’t mean it one bit.

“Look guys, I’m sorry for…everything…” Sunset sighed, looking hopefully at the two boys who only glared back.

“Save it, we don’t want to hear it.” Snips growled out shocking Sunset. Not to be mean to them, but just when did they grow a spine? For as long as she knew them they had done everything in their power to please her, but now that she had fallen from grace they were rejecting her. She couldn’t help wonder if they ever cared about her or if they only cared about being powerful as Sunset’s attack dogs.

Sighing, Sunset stared at the oddly looking tool that looked almost like a long triangle made of metal with a handle. It truth she didn’t really have any idea what to do with it so she dropped it on the ground and with a heavy heart started picking up the mess she created.

I certainly hope you didn't make Sunset strip or go into prostitution.
I'm not reading that kind of story. Ever.

3867594 You didn't bother to compare this with the link, did you? Sunset doesn't want to do anything of the sort, but if you checked the link you would have seen that Sunset met the owner and tried to get her to come strip which she refused. After finally feeling like she had no other choice she was going to the club to talk to the owner. After Celestia found out that Sunset was thrown out of her apartment she searched for Sunset and finds her just before going any farther towards the club and takes her home. There is, and will not be any clop in this or any of my fics. While I do like mature rated stories if they are good I do not like clop or stories written just for smut scenes. I prefer stories where the main characters go through hardships that they overcome and be much better off for dealing with them, especially emotionally charged stories.

3866039 the title is similar to one of my Sunset Shimmer stories From Sunset to Sunrise to be honest I suck at coming up with names and titles and I'll most likely change it if I come up with something better.

3869531 I thought it sounded familiar...I'm not very good with titles or summaries lol. I'll change the title of my story, yours was out longer (and is 20% more awesome than my story)

3866039 Just read this version and the original version. As for what's better, that depends on what you're trying to do. First person is more immersive and emotional but third person is more descriptive and open since you aren't (always) confined to one perspective. If you want my opinion of which one I enjoyed more, it would be the third person one because it felt fuller and more detailed. Though, you should just go with what think is best for the story. I like how it's coming along so far.
P.S. Look at a guide for comma placement. There's a number of places where one is needed to make it flow better.

3869696 I was honestly experimenting with first person to see if it could help me write better as I am nowhere near a very good writer. I did want to make the story a bit more emotional, but maybe I'm not doing very well doing that with the first person since that was my very first experience writing in that style while I've written in this style here in this post a few times. Thank you so much for letting me know which one you liked better, I'll probably go with rewritting the story in this (3rd person I think its called lol) and hope you enjoy it. Also, thank you so much for the suggestion, I'll see if I can find some guides about coma placements.