It's a little late this month, but we'll try not to hold that against our reviewers. This time we're reviewing the winner of the November Contest, Soft Soil, Bab Seed by ILurvTrixie! And this time our reviewers are our very own founder, Danger Beans, and frequent reviewer/commenter Comrade Sparkle! Let's see what they had to say...

From The Bean:

The biggest problem with shipping younger characters is just how easily they seem to slip out of character when an author tries to put them through the emotional rigors of a relationship. Soft Soil, Babs Seed avoids this problem by being adorably, wonderfully juvenile.

To summarize the plot: Babs has come back to Ponyville for a short while, and the CMC decide to go on a bout of the usual shenanigans. One thing leads to another and Babs winds up crashing into the Golden Oaks Library. While elsewhere in Ponyville, a problem at Sweet Apple Acres leads the CMC to have a slumber party over at the library. Cute shenanigans ensue.

Grammatically speaking, this story has a few errors, but nothing cringe worthy. Laymen will not be bothered.

Otherwise, I wish the romance itself would have been a bit more prominent, it feels heavily hinted at, in a cutesy kind-of-way, but doesn’t really go any farther than that. And it left me a little disappointed, but only a little.

Overall: Definite recommendation. I don’t even like Spike and I found this to be a great read. I really can’t think of anything else to say.

And, saving the big one for second, Sparkle Lord:

Soft Soil, Bab Seed tells the story of the eponymous filly in a visit to Ponyville to be filled with the comforts of home, family, and friends.... and a plague of apples that threaten to literally drown the town in a sea of engorged fruit—but, hey! It’s Ponyville, they’re probably used to it.

Soft Soil, Bab Seed was the sole entrant to last month’s contest of “Bab Seed x Spike”, and thus won. The story was also the author’s debut piece of fiction on the site. Where these facts might inspire something less than confidence, the story, given its chance, puts any fears to rest. Shipping any of the younger cast is a tricky proposition, and ILurvTrixie approaches it tactfully. The only ship sailing out of their port is the S. S. Friendship.

The story itself has a strange duality to it. The tragedy that befalls Ponyville is given just as much face-time as the hijinks of the Cutie Mark Crusaders—to the point where it shines perhaps brighter than the proposed ship on the box. Far from detracting, though, it serves to frame the Ponyville that Babs sees, and in that respect, is important.

ILurvTrixie’s dialogue is, for the most part, pretty good. They write a pretty good Spike, and an even better Babs. ILurvTrixie seems to strike all the right nuances with their Babs: the blunt city-speech, the trepidation of a bullied filly, and the hope that things can be good. All in all, a very solid showing. Speaking as a reader, it made me remember how much Babs’s character resonated with me when I first watched “Bad Seed”. Anyhow, enough personal tangents, back to the more professional third person!

The weaknesses of the story are multitudinous, but forgivable. Where Babs perspective is really the highlight of the fic, the perspective remains pretty firmly omniscient. This is further reinforced by some often awkward flashbacks/flashforwards that ILurvTrixie uses to set up certain gags, and the set-up for the meeting of Spike and Babs. A third person limited perspective would have helped shift the focus on Babs’s and Spike’s characters, and thus more on the budding friendship. As it stands, the story often seems to be more about Cutie Mark Crusader brand hijinks. Not that anything is wrong with that. And to be fair, ILurvTrixie crafts some very interesting scenarios, to be sure.

That’s perhaps the only real flaw the story has. The perspective forces so much focus on the hijinks, that the reader loses a lot of empathy for the emotions of the characters—or perhaps it is not lost, so much as misplaced only to be found again. This constant shuffling of empathy is the opportunity cost paid when the author asserts themselves, and their story before the realm of the character.

Not to confuse, the story is good. But, while not glaring, the execution is flawed enough to perhaps weaken the impact the story might otherwise have. The author makes several odd choices, such as using three sets of quotation marks around one line of speech to indicate that all three of the CMC were saying it. The author also makes many small comma mistakes, such as involving vocatives, or breaking a single sentence of dialogue with hyphens instead of commas, or using hyphens instead of dashes to indicate being cut off. A lot of these things are formatting things that serve to perhaps cheapen the veneer of polish that a story should otherwise have. They don’t necessarily weaken the story itself, just make it harder to take seriously.

All in all, had there been more entrants in the contest, Soft Soil, Bab Seed would have given them a run for their money. It is a fairly nice read, from an author who will certainly go far in their fanfiction career, should they choose to pursue it. And, personally speaking, I hope they do.

Cheers,

-Comrade

There ya go, Lurv. Looks like you're in.

we'll try not to hold that again our reviewers.

Shall I, then, hold it against you?

2558051
I would be surprised if you didn't.

I... I survived! Joy!

Perhaps too much joy. I've already had it pointed out to me that I may need to turn down the goofy a bit.

Okay... maybe a lot....

Alright, so maybe I need to work on my seriousness! What do you want from me?!

Overall, though, thank you for putting up with my craziness. I'm hoping my more recent entry won't inspire too many headaches, even if it doesn't win. Thank you all for putting up with my madness.

I wub woo awl. (What's the difference between a dash and a hyphen anyway? Aren't they both just that button to the right of the 0?)

2558607
Yeah . . . I love goofy, and when I realized that I was supposed to critique your story, I was a little annoyed.
It's hard to find fault in things you like.
But I don't think that its lighthearted tone was really all that much of a problem. In a romantic story where the protagonists are children, a certain amount of immaturity is to be expected--necessary even. The problem was that it wasn't the focus of the story. The story's main source of conflict was the fiasco over at Sweet Apple Acres, not the burgeoning feelings that Babs and Spike were developing towards each other.
It is entirely possible to write a romantic story in a altogether silly setting. As long as a writer takes the romance seriously, the story itself can be given to a little levity now and again.

2560296 Yes, I should probably admit it was more for narrative convenience for short circuiting 'So why isn't Babs at Sweet Apple Acres? Or the CMC clubhouse?' I didn't want a semi-major plot point like that to just vanish. (It's important, but it never gets mentioned again? ) But as you both said, it ended up becoming more noted than the sweet day to day interactions between the kids.

Admittedly I can't get the idea of Dash after her first few bottles out of my head which is a sign that I might put a little more expanding onto it... I just need to actually make the bottle label. (A story with an actual image for it? Pas possible!)

2558607

That's a hyphen. A dash is actually either an en-dash (–) or an em-dash (—). On windows the alt codes are alt+0150 for the en-dash and alt+0151 for the em-dash.

Hyphens are used to indicate compound words, such as the word "em-dash".

Dashes are used for a lot of different things. They can be used in the place of commas, colons, and semicolons given the circumstances. They also have their own particular use that I tend to think of an emphatic rephrasal. I go about describing a thing using a word—then I find a better word to describe it.

Sadly, a good example escapes me.

You can also use them to replace semicolons, something I have become very fond of doing, as well as replacing both commas in a parenthetical construction.

If you have trouble with grammar, I actually blog about it from time to time. Check out the topics I've covered, and if you're still confused ask some questions. It's the best way to learn.

Oh, and before I forget, the common formatting for dashes is to have no spaces around an em-dash, or spaces around an en-dash. A lot of older style guides will tell you to use a space around em-dashes, and a it will vary depending on who you ask, or for whom you are writing. The rule of thumb, however, is to pick one and be consistent.

Cheers,

-Comrade

P.S. Wait!

2560730

Is that French? I love you.

2561364 4 years of French, and that's the best I can do. Well, and a bit of mental translating.

Going back over the story, I noticed a lot of little things I failed to clean up, so I hope that even Edited Details manages to top the previous level of quality. Of course, improvements take time and effort. I can't wait until we can just download a patch and never make mistakes again. (Until Braincase 5.0 causes bluescreen errors, anyway)

On the topic of dashes again, it's only available through alt-codes? No wonder it's not more widely used! - — – ...Hm. I think I prefer using the hyphen, though it's technically incorrect, just because of the size issue. The larger dash looks like it's implying an extended trail off like ellipses; the smaller dash just doesn't seem sufficiently different from the hyphen to necessitate memorizing the code.

I apologize for running roughshod over your advice, I'm a very silly person, and am thankful for you taking the time to respond. I do appreciate being told how to improve and where I make mistakes. Learning requires fixing.

2561440

If you're absolutely, absolutely certain you can't be bothered to use punctuation correctly, then you can do the lazy/awful thing that looks really unprofessional, and just use two hyphens to indicate a dash.

In the end, there is no mandatory use for dashes, though. They can always be easily avoided. They just are extra tools in your toolkit. And I prefer the way they look, personally.

And don't think that it's ok to be wrong just because you prefer the way it looks. Being wrong is never right.

2561692 Nooo! Curse you and your logic! Why! Why can't wrong be right?!

How about lazy? Can I get away with wrong if it's lazy?

More realistically, I think I'd just forget the alt-code and spend a half hour trying to look it up and forget what I was writing in the first place. When your writing style is stream of consciousness, it doesn't lend itself well to distractions.

Actually, while you're available, how would you handle the 'Multiple people/ponies/animated potted plants saying the same line' aspect without multiple quotes? It's a bit inelegant, but it works... Which... erm. Well, You seem to have better and more elegant solutions than I do.

2561783

Honestly... just tag it as being said in unison.

2561784

...Brilliant!

2561364
So that's how you type a dash. With a code.
Why the frak isn't there a button! No wonder America's so illiterate. We have to type freaking codes in to unlock the punctuation.

P.S. I was going to PM this, but now's a good as time as any. When addressed by a title, is title capitalized? I.e. Excuse me, princess or excuse me, Princess?

2561783
The great thing about the dash, is that it's almost impossible to use incorrectly. I'm not joking. It's like the best kept secret in the English language.

2562471

Good question. It can be a little confusing at times.

>When you use it as a term of address, such as in a vocative, you capitalize it.

"Excuse me, Princess."

>When you use it as a title preceding a proper name you capitalize it.

"Please welcome Princess Celestia."

>When you use it as a pronoun, however, you do not capitalize it.

The princess read the newspaper.

Think of it like this: Capitalize the title when it is clearly taking the place of a singular person, not when it remains vague. When you talk about a princess, you do not capitalize it. When you talk about a specific princess you talk about it. When you talk to a specific princess, and call her her title, you capitalize it. Make sense?

2562661 Not especially, but I'll smile and nod anyway.

Curse you, English, and your goofy rules of ...everything!

2562748

You don't understand how frustrating this is.

People always say this, and they don't ask questions. They just don't. I just gave three simple rules, and gave each rule an example. I even followed the stark rules with an alternate way to look at it that helps show the logic behind it. What didn't you understand? Did I mess up somewhere in my communication? Did I use too much jargon? Did I omit too much? Should I have gone into more detail? No one helps me help them help themselves.

Come to think of it, I think I understand how most schoolteachers feel now.

2562769 Oh no no no. I fear you misunderstand.

I understand the point as far as title. Going for Vizier Macguffin is basically an extension of the name. So it makes sense. Going after the Vizier would be an acceptable abbreviation, since it addresses the object by using the title, it's effectively capitalized as a replacement of the name. (Not sure why it doesn't work as pronouns do, but it's close enough for government work. I think. )

But as for why using the title becomes lowercase when it's used as a pronoun... well at this point, while it's completely correct, it makes one scratch their head, throw their hands up, and go get a drink.

In short, I was not cursing your ability to explain, but rather the nature of the language. It is a twisty curvy Gerrymander whose rules are locked into their misshapen districts.

And yes, I remember my high school classes. Those poor teachers.

2562748
Supposedly, English is one of the hardest languages to learn.
I believe it.

2562661
First off, you are SOOO! MUCH! BETTER! Than Google! (Searching Google for anything grammar related is a massive pain in the genitals.)

Second off,

People always say this, and they don't ask questions. They just don't.

Yeah, I have another question: (hell must have frozen over because I've actually started work on the fanfic I've been meaning to write for the last year.) The Sun and the Moon. What exactly are the rules for capitalizing those? For example: "The sun adorned her flank." Is it "The sun," or "The Sun?" I guess what I'm asking is: in what situations—if any—do the sun and moon become proper nouns?

2568335

Now that's an interesting question. I'm not entirely sure, actually. And the thing is that it's not exactly something you can easily look up. I know that the Sun is capitalized, because it's a proper noun. I don't think that "the sun" on Celestia's flank is actually "the Sun", so it should probably be lower case. Same general idea of how we tend to call stars with planets orbiting them "suns" when they are actually just stars, and the only "sun" is Sol. Similarly there are many "moons", but only one Moon, ya dig? The way I'd go about doing it in fiction is to refer to the mark on their flank as lower case, and the thing in the sky as upper case.

So, in brief, they become proper nouns when you they refer to the specific instance of themselves. Like, not a representation of what they are, the real deal. Basically, the same general rules I outlined with the title question apply. Capitalize when referring to the individual, not the idea. With the Sun/Moon thing, you don't even have to worry about vocatives, as it probably isn't going to come up that they speak to the Sun or Moon. Though by saying that, it will almost certainly come up, eh, Bean?

On a small side note, just got vivid flashbacks of Ender's Shadow after I typed your name.