Post-mortem · 4:14pm Sep 17th, 2022
Morning/Afternoon/Evening everyone!
Just wanted to write about a few things now that I feel my first story is completed. Don't let the title scare you; no one's dead or anything. When I finish something big, I like to look at it from a top-down perspective and try to zero in on what I did and didn't like about it, the process making it, and everything else. I just call it a post-mortem because I'm weird.
First off, I wanted to give thanks to all the commenters. Whether you were there from the beginning, or you came in during the middle/end, you have my appreciation. Not just because your engagement has been a huge motivator for me to keep going, but because I'm extremely nervous about putting any of my creative work out there. All of your comments have been very encouraging, and have done a lot to help me get over myself.
I'm happy with myself for merely finishing the story at all. I do many creative things with my time, but seldom do I ever see them through to the end. Not only that, but it's even more rare that I show anything I make to anyone. I'm a meek, timid recluse, and the softest criticism, even from people I trust the most, can make me want to shrivel up and die. So while they're both very basic milestones, finishing the story and sharing it are both huge steps for me.
I mentioned this in a comment on the last chapter, but I still wanted to touch on this before going much further. I want to apologize for the amount of grammatical errors, tensing issues, and typos that are no doubt lurking throughout the story. I genuinely tried my best to fix these on my own, and I could have undoubtedly done more, but I'm only one person. If you look real hard, you can probably find specific things I consistently got wrong. This has a lot to do with the way I talk in real life.
I'm also dyslexic, and this has led to numerous instances of me reading over something seven times and thinking it's correct only for the error to jump out at me on the eighth scan. I have to rely pretty heavily on spell-check, and that's not always thorough. I tend to do three rounds of editing before posting something, and considering how wordy I get that can be tiring. I would like to look into having someone edit for me, but that requires asking for someone else's time and effort with (more than likely) no compensation. There's a couple other reasons I haven't sought the help of an editor, but that's the primary one. Editing is work, and I don't like asking for work from people I can't pay. That said, I would like to give a special shoutout to EileenSaysHi for offering to do so. Whether or not they do, I am grateful for their offer.
While I've been a hobbyist writer since I was a teenager, most of what I've written are one-offs and/or things that never get off the ground. On top of that, it's been a long time since I was in a classroom. Even when I was in school, English and writing were subjects I didn't give nearly as much attention to as subjects like math and science. As such, there's a lot I still have to learn about long-form stories, and writing in general. Before "Can You See What I see", I had only ever written and finished one other multi-chapter story and that was earlier this year. I still like that story, but it's not very good (which is why it isn't posted here despite being another MLP fic) for quite a number of reasons. I believe CYSWIS is an improvement in many ways, but by the end I was already making note of its myriad issues.
CYSWIS was very cathartic for me. I've stated it in the comments and author's notes throughout, but much it was written from a very personal place. I used a lot of my own experiences, inserted many of my own fantasies, and by the end it was painfully obvious just how much of a self-insert it was. While that made it very fun to write, I think I leaned a little too hard into it toward the end, and the end product suffered as a result.
Before I get into this part, I just want reiterate: I still really like the story. I don't think I'll ever truly dislike it. Not to toot my own horn, but there are parts of it that I feel are well written, really fun, and quite a few parts that are super adorable. Though, in hindsight, there are a lot of things I would have done differently had I known I was going to carry it this far.
At first, I expected this to be a one-off. However, when I woke up the next morning, I wanted nothing more than to figure out where it would go. Then I started coming up with all these ideas and things I wanted to express, but I only made mental notes of them and never tried to connect them not only to each other but with the bigger picture. What I should have done is write down all my ideas, make a plan for how and where I wanted things to go, then start writing the next chapter based on that plan. Instead, I did what I usually do with my creative works and dove in using only a stream of consciousness. That works better for one-offs. Something this long should have a plan from the start. It helps with the flow, it helps things stay cohesive, and it gives things the time and space they need to make a proper impact.
This is why I believe the story has a strong start, a decent middle, and an absolute mess of an ending. Around the time I got through the 6th chapter, I started to realize the plot was beginning to run away from me, and that I still had a lot I wanted to do with not a lot of time or space left to do it with. If I tried to cram absolutely everything into the story that I wanted to from the outset, this would have either ballooned into a bloated 200k word directionless mess, or (more likely) it would have exploded and remained incomplete/been canceled. With that, I made a compromise on quite a few things. Completion became my goal by the end. I'd rather have a mess wrapped up and tied up in a bow than something I left incomplete because I agonized over getting it perfect.
Contrary to how that sounds, that doesn't mean I don't like the chapters of the end. Ironically, they were my favorite part of writing this whole thing. But I believe they deserved better. They deserved a better setup so they could be a better payoff. This is why I want to eventually revisit this concept, but why I won't be touching it for some time. I'm going to take some time off from writing, but when I come back I'll more than likely be making one-offs for a little while.
One thing I'm a embarrassed to admit but am putting out there so that hopefully it will stop me from doing this in the future is that I have got to change how I write. I need to take my time and not try to get it done all at once. Most of these chapters were written and then edited/proofread multiple times within the same day. On top of the reasons mentioned above, this is also a part of why there are grammatical issues and typos strewn about the final product. This is not how I, or anyone else, should do things. I knew that from the start, but I did it anyway. I have my reasons, and I know they're not good, but I'm going to explain them anyway.
This is a personal hang-up of mine, and one that I've fought against my whole life. Since I've always had such a hard time finishing projects, I become afraid when I commit to something big. I feel like I have to race to the finish because at any moment my inspiration or my motivation will fizzle out, and I'll be left with yet another incomplete project. This leads to me working on something for so many long hours (I'm too embarrassed to admit how long, but let's just say longer than an average full-time job shift) that I hit a point where I'm worried less about making something good, and more about finally getting it finished.
So I make careless mistakes, and parts of the product suffer as a result. And the deeper I get into the project, the harder it becomes to fix and work around those careless mistakes. It's hard to be patient when there's a part of your brain that has its own random level of patience. At any time between the beginning and end of a project, my mind can just say "ok im bored now" and I just have to live with that decision. So I've developed bad habits to circumvent myself. I'm a work in progress just as everyone else is!
All that said, even though I was very emotionally attached by the end and didn't want to see it end, I'm glad the project is (mostly) done. Again, I am immensely grateful for the warm reception my story and I have received. Thank you to everyone who followed me, thank you to everyone who left comments, rated, or even read it at all. If you've read this blog entry this far: first of all I'm sorry you had to read all that, second I hope it helped you in some way, and third thank you as well.
-Avery 
Thanks for your story, good luck, and feel free to reach out if you need someone to look over your work :)
You did an incredible amount of writing in just a few days and the result is quite good. You should be proud.
Well, I had a good time and didn't think it was a self insert, so your all good buddy :)
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I agree! This story has been terrific, and even though you feel it was rushed toward the end, I'm glad you're still proud of it. You've done a great job and I wish you luck and self-satisfaction with all of your future work too!