Still Gone-ish, Reflections · 4:34am Mar 18th, 2022

Hah. It's rather strange, isnt it? Nostalgia. Such is what inspired me to log in again, to this old relic. Of all things, as well, to reread old blog posts. I've kept a journal for a few months now, but these are ramblings I put down... Five years ago now. Just, wow. The oldest "journal" of sorts I own, this account. So I once again appear for a short while, and ramble on into the void of a long dead account in passing yet again, as is my way.

Rereading my past, and reflecting on it... I still haven't changed much. With age came wisdom, and all the self-hate I had back then didn't even begin to scratch the surface of what had given me this disquiet I've felt for years. Not past tense. As, whilst I have grown and learned, I'm still me. On a fundamental level, as well, I have and always will be me - But therein lies my disquiet. I think I have a lot of trauma in my life, and that's just the stuff that I remember, I havent breached what I dont. To put it simply, the root cause of all my feelings? That for pretty much all my life, I have not been ok with being myself.

I'm an escapist. Throwing away all my technological access, locking myself away in my room? Moreso than that, I'd lock myself away in my mind. I'd go onto my strange highways, which is also my favorite Dio song, mind you. Reality is garbage. I am garbage. So I'd retreat away from everything real, so that I could exist in my own little world where I could be anyone but me. Even when I was pushing myself for change, it went nowhere, because I wasnt trying to improve myself but rather replace myself with whomever I wanted to be. In essence, trying to push the square block through the triangular hole, a meaningless and wasteful endeavor. I'll never be a square, only the triangle.

I need to be able to see me for me, and do right by me. You know what? I suck. Legitimately, as a person, I'm kind of not very good. These have always been my thoughts, but the problem there is that I have painted myself as evil and irredeemable. However, evil doesnt concern itself about whether or not it is good. And redemption? Forgiveness doesnt matter. I dont deserve it, and that's just a whole befuddling mess that doesnt need to be touched; The past should remain behind you where it belongs, and tomorrow is all that I should be focusing on. I must accept that I am me, so that I can improve the actual me... That's just, easier said than done. To realize that I'm not evil per say, merely flawed, as everyone is.

Funnily enough as well, old 2017 me even had inklings of what my problem was. I had wisened up, though only slightly. "You cant just shut yourself off to the world, you dont learn anything that way". I had no friends. A shut in, truly. Change does come, though. I've been fortunate enough to find a group of friends... Maybe not as deep as one usually thinks off, but even just quiet company beats being alone, you know? I dare say even the family that I've kind of lacked. Even love. A complicated one because I'm an idiot who refuses to get too close as a defense mechanism, but love all the same. For all of my thinking and pining in the past? I wasn't thinking, and I was fooling around in fantasy. I was still alone. As a sword sharpens another sword, so too do we learn and grow from those around us. The vast majority of my growth, my self-reflection onto myself? Has only occurred due to being around others.

I'm now 27 years old. I look at that 2013 account creation date and, that's basically when I graduated high school. I've worked a number of jobs, and failed them too. All these years of my life, I've spent just... In a wild back and forth between trying to leave the soil I'm in, and tearing apart whenever soil I settle into; a symptom of this unease I've always felt. Psychology puts it that, people often learn these negative behaviors or defense mechanisms when they're young, as you might imagine, as a means of protecting oneself. For me, it tends to be "hurt them before they hurt me". I am ever so glad then, that while I have not changed completely, I've still taken the first steps towards actual change. Inside all of us is that child self, that innocence that truly did not and does not deserve the hurt, that old goodness within that can be mended, even if never wholly so.

If anyone is actually managing to read this... First, I'd be curious why, lol. Dead account, rather dusty. However, secondly, I'd like to throw out some advice to anyone who may find this a relatable read. Learn to be you, and be ok with you. The mind is prone to exaggeration, and so whenever one attempts change, they often take on far more than they can handle at once... Take it slow. If you're a shut in like I was? Go for a walk. You dont need to get a job, find friends, get laid, fifteen other things right now because that's just too much and it can wait. You've had a dry wormling all these years, a few more wont hurt. Don't just jump into the pool, dip your toes in first. Just go for a walk, and try to experience the outside in the moment... Nature walks are a favorite, personally. Then maybe browse a store, just get used to being around folks. You get the idea. People around you, or even you yourself might want to snap those fingers and tell you/yourself to hurry up and get moving cause life isnt forever. However, change is never immediate, and it's often not in the way that you expect. Just take it slow. Dont sleep on change, but don't rush it either.

Because life? It can suck. But it can also be pretty nice, too. Yes, life is a temporary thing - So isn't it better to be at peace with it? You'll not be here forever, so it wont hurt forever either. You can be yourself, and you can have an adventure all of your own. Maybe not as grandiose as you'd like, but still. We have to have faith that the waters of fate that carry us are taking us to better places.

I've typed all of this as a journal to myself of sorts, to reflect back on in any odd amount of time into the future, as I have done with prior ones... But, on the offchance that someone reads this who may find my ramblings helpful, well... That's kinda sad in it's own way, but I wish them the best. Even if it isnt helpful, all the same, I'm sending out well wishes to all you folks who still haunt this site. May life be well with you, aye?

Much love
- Brutal Heart

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