A new year's update

I'd first like to apologize for my two previous posts. That was a really rough spot in my life and... It wasn't very fun. I tried to avoid details, but it seems I'm basically an open book regardless. As you might have gathered, I was dealing with a lot. A medical bill of $17k+. Truck falling apart. My father would follow me around town, driving slowly and blocking my truck from pulling out of parking spots. I was blaming myself a fair bit for what I wasn't taught; he used to be married to the bottle before he was so attached to the slot machines. It's stuff I've done my whole life, simply because nobody really did it. I cooked. I did the laundry. I bought food, paid the full rent (not just my part). It's just embarrassing though when your bf chastises you for not washing a dish correctly; nobody ever taught me how.

So. My truck? Went up in flames. My father, as it were. But it was a blessing in disguise; bicycles are ridiculously cheap to obtain and maintain. Saved me quite a bit of coin. I got assistance with that medical bill at long last. And me? I'm no longer living in constant paranoia. I've moved several states away, covering my trail, and I'm now happily living with my bf. Working a much better job now + I have a vehicle again. I was so down on myself because of my situation, comparing myself to a peasant whacking rats. Though really, the funny comparison there? You level up and advance quickly when you're a noob. Like yeah, rats, but if you keep whacking them, you'll move on up pretty decently in no time.

Beyond updates? I'm going to touch on my chosen topic this year: Living for yourself. You see, I mentioned previously that my bf expressed interest in polyamory. This was due to us both having a crush on a friend. That... Didn't really go well at all, however. Again tho? A blessing in disguise. The exp brought my bf and I closer together, taught us many things. They were revealed as having a character unlike how we thought of them, and unfortunately, turned our friends against us. So beyond my bf, I don't really have any friends now.

Initially, this wounded me greatly. In the absence of a biological family, I sought to embrace them as a found family. I'd make personalized birthday cards every year, go out of my way to put 110% into every relationship. And then one thing happens and that just... Meant nothing, I guess. However it did allow my mind to focus on a few questions.

The first. Why would I put so much effort into such relationships, if that's not reciprocated? Nobody but my bf ever made me cards. I'd usually start the conversation, and I only then realized once they were gone that I'd always ask "how are you" and yet I'd never be asked in return. But you already know the answer, I'm sure. Because I was pining desperately for a family.

Then second. Why do I want a family so badly? Really if you think about it, my biological relatives did not fill the role. I took up responsibilities at a very young age. They'd leech off of me. I never once opened up to them about my feelings; I'd never wanted to, for I knew what they would do. Is that family? Most of my life, this thing I've been craving is just some idea, a fantasy of sorts about a perfect family. Of having those that I can rely on and whom can rely on me. But then I've never had that. So why do I miss it? I've never had vodka and I don't really desire to experience it. So why is this different?

That's why the poly era really cut me deep. I'd believed I'd had something I'd always wanted, and I was fearful of seeing it all come crashing down around me. In a way my thought process was wholly on my bf. I value myself very little. It doesn't matter how I feel or what i want, I'd think, just so long as my bf is happy and he's with me. And the idea that he'd just find someone else, someone who was much more functional and collected... Talk about insecure, right? Let's say it really did come crashing down. I lose my "found family," someone I had feelings for smacked me in the face, and my bf said "yeah actually you're not good enough, bye". In the moment, I'd thought I'd probably just leave this world. What point would there be in living?

But that's trash. It's dumb. Realizing that my desire was decently foolish and that I wasn't living properly was the kick I needed. Even if it all comes crashing down? You just keep kicking. Because that's life. Life is going to knock you around regardless of if you're standing or laying down. So why not stand and fight? At least it's some small comfort, what small pride one can foster for themselves. It's entirely important to live for yourself. My prior words do still stand; I don't know if I'll ever be that shining, golden knight. But the only thing that matters to me is that my adventure is going somewhere. As long as I'm breathing, I'm steadfast.

Whatever path you're on, walk it with confidence. You'll be alright. Take care, if anyone actually reads my inane ramblings.