I am once again leaving.

I had some fun times on the site, those previous years when I was on here. I even had some fun rereading and finishing what had been in my favourites. Also good to see some of you are still active. I even considered just sticking around to read blogs, but I decided against it.
Rewatching the show, i've come to realize that this is all kind of behind me. It's like picking up a game you hadn't played for a long while; you enjoyed it then, but upon a second look, you don't quite feel as into it as you did then. Friendship may be magic, but the magic is fairly gone, unfortunately.

This is a bit personal and I don't quite know how to express it, so please try to bear with me. The period of my life being a shut-in, I didn't really realize why I had been that way. But thinking over it now, i've come to realize I have really rather unhealthy feelings towards myself and the world. The reason I wished to push myself and better myself was because I didn't like myself, and I still kind of don't. Trying to get out and about again, and make my life better has been... Troublesome. One shouldn't ever expect immediate results, of course, but the mistakes and faults kind of push me back into that zone. I lose my focus, my thoughts become chaotic, and it feels as if the air wishes to drown me. It feels like I lose my head. So often i'd like to think that my mind is clear and serene. That my focus won't falter and my shoulders feel so light. That I can get better. The little missteps along the way make me fall harder than I wish they did, and I often feel what hope I have dwindling. Say what you will, trying and not succeeding gets a bit tiresome after a while. VERY tiresome.
So, another part of me leaving is why I left before; to focus on becoming better. One can't fix a problem without addressing it, and the main problem back then is that I didn't realize what it was that was bothering me so much. Despite what I say about losing hope, I still do have it and i'm still going to persue it. I just wanted you all to understand why I might not be here as much, or perhaps I just wanted to vent a little. I'm going to focus on letting my negative feelings go, and coming to embrace the peace and tranquility I seek, to truly experience a calm and serene mind. All I can hope is that it won't be a waste like last time, and that any mistakes I make along the way don't weigh me down too much.

I'm still going to check this site for a few days now. Say any farewells and all that, and then i'll probably be gone for good.
Best of luck to you guys. I feel bad, but still, I think it's for the best. Not much good dwelling on the past or being involved with a show i'm not really into anymore would do anyhow.

Farewell,
- Brutal Heart