Kein Mitleid · 7:38pm Dec 8th, 2012
First of all, thanks to "The Lord Siffer", whoever you are, for helping me spot various errors in the the story and for helping me fix them. Seriously, though, I don't know who you are, exactly. But his corrections give me that extra "spit 'n' polish" feeling that I felt I needed. So now chapters four and five, the new and much sexier versions, are now live.
Major Changes:
I've really already listed everything of note; however, now Jericho hasn't mentioned his last name to the girls, which I did for some vague reason.
Then there's that other thing I did, since I'm like that: Kein Mitleid (Because, by Job, pretentious titles in a foreign language are always hip with the the kids!)
This isn't really much of note, just that I once again overhauled the first chapter, cleaned up errors, and am now wondering if I should chop the the references to "Der Erlkönig", which is why the first chapter's name would be changed to "Kein Mitleid" (No Compassion/Mercy). So far, the very intro is changed to be much better and is, in the words of my editor, "The story actually sounded something like a legend (folklore perhaps?), which is kind of hard to do. It kind of just makes you more interested when you read it." The changes were inspired by, of all possible things, a story I read about Santa Claus.
But most of the chapter remains unchanged, with the most notable other changed being the "white light" poem in the middle, which has been changed to: "As I trudged, the little voice singsonged to me, speaking in my native tongue. ‘Where is your God, so great and almighty. When will His kingdom come? Cold and noble. So start praying and shut up. No mercy. No time. Kein Mitleid.’
The thing is, I wanted to hear an outside opinion or two as to whether or not I should chop the "Der Erlkönig" scene in chapter one, while keeping the rest in tact, and so changing the chapter's name to "Kein Mitleid". Personally, I'm all for it, and was planning it already, but doesn't wanted an other's thought. I'm doing everything in my abilities as a writer, however mediocre I may be, to make this as interesting and unique a story as humanly possible. And do please let me know what you thing of the new intro (2.25 Gdoc pages) to Jericho, if it's any neater or whatnot. Goodbye–
Oh! And I almost forget – here's the teaser of the new story description:
I come from a land far to the east, a place called Preußen, a nation of proud stallions. Who I am doesn't matter. What does matter, however, is the cultural dissonance between our two peoples, those of Equestria and those of my homeland. What matters more is how I, by virtue of being at the wrong place at the right time, am now entirely at the mercy of these naked Equestrian savages. I am by no means the hero of this tale, and this is hardly even my story. I'm just a nopony thrust into the Equestrian world, with their strange customs and way of thinking. To them, I guess, I'm just as alien, with my so-called barbaric language, strange God, and cultural need to wear pants. Oh, and let's not forget how the Prince of Darkness and the Biblical Kane are waging a war for the fate of the whole universe, and how I get forced along by sheer virtue of me being able to translate from my language into Equestrian. This is the story of culture, language, and six annoying yet special girls with their lunatic princess saving the world. Oh, and I guess I'm along for the ride, too, since I'm the narrator.
Thoughts? Until next we meet, take good care of yourself. (And Jericho now has 80 likes! Hells yeah!)
The irony here is insane.
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I am very the gooder at the English.
Woot! New Description! Are you changing the title as well?
On a side note: I just realized that Kane is actually Kane from Command and Conquer. *Triple facepalm*
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The Title stays the same, I'll say. While there can be some confusion when talking about Jericho, since it could refer to either the pony or the story, I still kinda like it. "Jericho" just has a sort of ring to it.
Yeah, this Kane is so darn heavily inspired by that Kane that what you're saying is actually a fair statement; though to be fair, thanks to my absurd obtuse head-canon for at lease 50k years of universal history, you could easy say that Jericho's Kane is simply that Kane but from a different universe/timeline, so to speak. The same can be said of Jericho's Satan, who (I'm not sure how far you got before I did this restart) was basically a good guy in his own way, sort of an anti-villain, but that's because this Prince of Darkness was heavily inspired likewise by John Milton's "Paradise Lost" (Which is basically a fanfiction of the Bible); in that, Satan is arguably an anti-hero of sorts, motivated by his own goals and is downright reasonable when he likens God to an iron-fisted tyrant.
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Got it. It took me a while, mainly because of my knowledge of C&C comes from a friend who is quite the fan. I, myself, am mostly a fan of its mythology (I often become a fan of things just because of its mythos). The nods to Nod (I am soooo sorry for that) were actually what caused this realization. I like your characterization of Kane here, based on what I've read/seen/heard, Kane strikes me as both and Anti-Hero and Anti-Villian. I love that guy and his his kooky Xanatos Gambits.
....That suddenly makes everything involving him a lot more ominous in hindsight.