I finally saw the Monster Hunter movie...

And it bloooooows! Yeah, real big shocker, I know. My home boys tried to warn me (by which I mean a bunch of people on the internet with a Youtube account), but I wanted to see for myself if the film was as terrible as so many said it was, rather than just parrot what has been said. And yeah, it's bad. Not even hilariously bad (okay maybe in some parts but that's not noteworthy praise). As a tl;dr, the film as a movie is subpar and hardly entertaining in a plain movie-goer sense; certainly not as entertaining as say the Resident Evil movie (possibly Paul Anderson's "best" game adaptation flick). As a representation of Monster Hunter, it's a straight-up insult, and I'm gonna go into the nitty-gritty, cuz let me tell you: I got opinions about this flick.

First of all, the editing is atrocious. Fight sequences have so many cuts that it's hard to follow or get invested, and about five times in the movie we get these "tumble montages" where we see Mila Jovavich get tossed around in an enclosed space, with the sound and picture cutting out in flashes which are gratuitous and get old by the second time. And about Mila, she is not a good actress. Possibly okay, but she's so stilted in this and with the charm of wet cardboard. Actually, hardly any of the characters are worth mentioning, except the male lead hunter whose name I don't know who goes around kicking ass and mostly talking Monster Hunter lingo. I swear, make the movie focused solely on him, and set squarely in the MH universe. You playing both sides of fans and casual movie goers, you wind up with nothing.

Now about the MH aspect. I am what may be considered a "filthy casual": I've only played Tri, 4 Ultimate, Rise, and the first MH Stories. I never go online, and it's only with Rise that I've delved into High Rank. With all that said, I gotta say that for supposed fans of the series, Paulie really borked up. I only know snippets of monster lore, and I recall hearing that black Diablos spend more time underground, and that they're super territorial. But here's a question: where are the cactuses? Diabloses are herbivores that feed on cactuses, yet in this endless desert there isn't a single trace of the spongy buggers, so wtf is it feeding on/defending? Plus it behaves more like a frickin' graboid in this. From what I've experienced in hunting them, they're about two steps below Tigrexes in terms of being bugshit berserkers who just charge and smash relentlessly regardless of danger, and none of this hiding and hunting nonsense. Quick note in regards to the opening: use sonic bombs! If a Diablos is attacking from below, pop off a sonic bomb and that'll spit them out like a flounder. You seriously telling me that loaded ship doesn't have any of those on hand? Def not accurate to the game.

Onto Nerscylla. I hunted these guys a bunch in 4 Ultimate, and these are not Nerscyllas! They're way too small, they hunt in large numbers which they don't, and those spikes on their abdomens are only purple due to the poison ingested from their primary prey Gypceros. In fact that's a big thing missing here: the fact they're skin weavers. How they kill Gypceros and rip off their flesh to fashion into a macabre cloak to provide extra defense and lightning resistance. None of that sort of creepy coolness is to be seen! And not even their tendency to "Spider Man" their way all over the place. Or those freaky ass retractable mandibles that look like something out of Demon's Souls.

Then there's Rathalos: the "most fearsome creature" as put by Ron Perlman's character. Bitch, even in the game he was introduced (the first Monster Hunter!) he wasn't the biggest threat. It was Lao-Shan Long, the fuck-all giant dragon that could fill a valley with its girth (not an exaggeration). Ratha as cool and memorable as he is is still a manageable wyvern. Hits like a truck, sure, and can be annoying, but he's basically the gatekeeper to the real challenges, not the final boss. But here he is blowing up an entire army mobile unit, impervious to bullets and explosives. That's another thing: heavy bowguns are a thing in MH, which are basically machine guns, so those .50 cals should be stunning him way more. Oh, and the most fearsome of monsters has to pump his mouth with explosive gases before breathing fire, which if set aflame will blow up its innards. That's not how dragons work, I'm pretty sure! But imagine how much easier farming Rubies would be if you could one-shot a Ratha just like that with a barrel bomb or a blast toad. And at the end of it all, we get a glimpse of a far cooler and more threatening monster in the form of Gore Magala, but by then I was checked-out and couldn't be hyped for it because there was no build-up. Not even a sample of his theme: he just shows up, expecting the audience to know what a frickin' big deal he is.

That's actually something nobody I've heard ever mentioned, and something I kept saying out loud throughout the movie: WHAT IS THIS SOUNDTRACK?? MH has a pretty iconic discography, none of which is put to use here. Instead we get this industrialized techno garbo that makes the whole thing seem like a nightmare. In fact, that's what it's like: a nightmare! There's some familiar images, but there's this out-of-place wrongness where things don't match up and makes what should be thrilling atrocious. I wasn't feeling pumped or filled with anticipation like when I go out on a hunt; I just wondered when I was going to wake up.

Seriously, for the two bucks I spent to feed my morbid curiosity, it was hardly worth it. I urge you never to watch this, unless you're with a group of friends who can help you rifftrax this mess to Hell, or get yourself so utterly shitfaced that fast movement is cause for chuckles. And even then that's no guarantee.

Anyway, today marks the 20th anniversary since moving here to the states, so yay USA. I'm gonna go shower, cool down, and ready for a day of baked sweets and pizza. Peace out, y'all.

ADDENDUM: So yeah, this is coming nearly two weeks after the fact, but I found out that the first Monster Hunter introduced Fatalis. You know, the OG Elder Dragon; rumored to wipe out entire kingdoms in a single night; often called the GOD OF ALL MONSTERS. Yet a bulky fire boi is deemed the "most fearsome creature". smh