I regret everything. · 9:22pm Dec 15th, 2020
When FoME asked for fiction to turn into MTG cards for his regular card creation blog series, this is what I suggested:
What about the original G1 series? You could design cards using the color pie, power level, and mechanics from the early days of MTG as an exercise. Alpha, Legends, etc. Like, of course ponies would have Banding.
When he opted to do fanfics instead, I, in my tiredness and boredom last night, decided to follow through with that instead. What a fool I was. My Little Pony 'n Friends is bad, folks. And the so-bad-it's-good novelty wore off after the first 10 minutes. Nevertheless, I managed to power through and watch all of The End of Flutter Valley. This will be the only installment. And I'm not gonna waste any more time on a summary of the episodes. If you want to torture yourself, be my guest. Still, the cards are fun, so check those out after the break. Not gonna bother sorting them by color or name, because again, I want to purge this from my mind as quickly as possible.
Colorful Abominations 1B
Creature - Horror
Colorful Abominations is all colors.
Not everything with pastel fur is cute.
1/2
Terrifying Cackle B
Sorcery
Target player discards a card at random.
Much as language evolves over time, so too do voices themselves.
Gloom Hags 3B
Creature - Human Warlock
Gloom Hags doesn’t untap during your untap step.
3B: Untap Gloom Hags.
As intelligent as they are attractive.
3/3
Giant Spoon 2
Artifact - Equipment
Equipped creature has: “T: untap target artifact.”
0: Regenerate equipped creature, then unattach Giant Spoon.
Equip 2
Handy for stirring a cauldron or avoiding an untimely fall.
Ponyland Denizen 2WW
Creature - Horse
Plainswalk
Banding
2/2
Gem-Eyed Mare G
Creature - Unicorn
T: Add U or tap target creature. Activate this ability only during your turn.
When ponies’ eyes change color or shape, it usually wears off once the gag ends. In some terrible circumstances, however...
1/1
Sharp Contrast 3UU
Sorcery
Target creature gets +3/+0 until end of turn.
Target creature gets -3/-0 until end of turn.
Nothing produces dissonance quite like dire, dramatic music over a scene of frolicking in a sunny dandelion field.
Sol Crystal 2
Artifact
T: Add WR
More effective at trapping light than gold, less effective at trapping heat.
Queen Rosedust WWUUGG
Legendary Creature - Faerie Horse
Flying
Flutterponies are not to be underestimated. Feel free to recoil from them, though.
3/4
Uncomfortable Face Lick R
Instant
You deal 1 damage to target creature.
Some creatures just can’t fathom personal boundaries.
Time Skip UU
Instant
End the turn.
Let the credits roll.
Eldritch Origin BBB
Sorcery
Search your library for a creature card and put it into play, then shuffle your library. Discard a card.
The shadows of the past are best left buried.
Portrait Spirits 4U
Creature - Spirit Warlock
T: Draw a card.
0/4
Flutter Valley
Land
T: Add one mana of any color if you control an artifact. Otherwise, add B.
Fish Club 1
Artifact - Equipment
When equipped creature dies, sacrifice Fish Club and create a 0/1 blue fish creature token.
Equip 1
Queen Bumble 2BBRR
Legendary Creature - Insect Noble
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Queen Bumble unless you sacrifice a nonsnow land.
5/5
Furbob 2R
Creature - Beast
Banding
If you control more than one Furbob, Furbob cannot attack.
3/1
Slavering Stonebacks 5GG
Creature - Beast
Rampage 2
Actually pretty friendly once you get to know them.
4/4
Featherfall U
Instant
Prevent all damage that would be dealt to creatures you control by green sources this turn.
Pony versions of spells can differ drastically.
Distracting Rainbow RR
Sorcery
Nonblack creatures can’t block this turn.
“Woah, look how pretty that is! And we didn’t even need to wait through a rainstorm first!”
Healing Chant 4W
Sorcery
Cast Healing chant only if you control four or more creatures.
You gain 4 life.
Harmonic rituals would be vastly improved in the coming millennia.
Uuuuuuug 7B
Creature - Spider Cyclops
Flying, First Strike
Yes, that’s literally what it’s called.
4/6
Hero from Afar W
Creature - Human
Banding
1/1
Ambush Bull 3RR
Creature - Ox
If Ambush Bull would be revealed, put it onto the battlefield instead.
Red creatures must block Ambush Bull if able.
4/2
Planar Incongruity 2R
Instant
If two or more creatures that share a creature type but not a name are on the battlefield, flip a coin. If heads, destroy those creatures.
Turn to Purple 1U
Sorcery
Any number of target creatures become red and blue until end of turn.
Dump in a Hole 3B
Instant
Destroy target creature without flying.
Hot, Sweet, Sticky Coating 1GG
Enchantment - Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature loses flying.
It’s only weird if you’re old enough.
Asinine Tactics 4R
Enchantment
All players choose attackers, blockers, and bands at random.
Anti-Ticklishness Elixir 4
Artifact
T: Target creature gains protection from faeries. (forever)
Well, at least you acknowledge it.
But... wow, there's emulating early 90s card design, and then there's emulating RoboRosewater. This feels like the result of designing after taking sanity damage. So, you know, exactly what happened. I'm just going to note that you brought this upon yourself... though I will treat it as a warning should I look into Escape from Midnight Castle.
5416093
Oh, these are all top-down designs accurate to what happens. The show is just that stupid, it makes the cards seem AI generated.
Those are all horrible. Be it horribly weak or horribly broken, but horrible all the same
Congratulations, these are exactly what I would expect from Alpha Ponies