All Good Things… A Time to Listen.

4th June 2020

Hello, Chaps and Chapettes,

Old Scaramouche here with another thirty seconds to write about whatever might be on my mind. Here it is, my mindless thoughts with what matters most to me and what I care about…

Do you get bored of hearing somebody talk about themselves all the time? You probably get it from a colleague, a friend, a family member. Maybe all three! Maybe you can’t think of anyone, which probably means you’re the one everyone thinks ‘gosh, I wish they thought about me for once!’ But don’t worry too much about it, it isn’t really a bad thing.

Let’s start with the reassurance. You’re probably not selfish. You probably give a damn about everyone you know, otherwise, you wouldn’t really have taken the time to get to know them, unless you have an ulterior motive. If that’s why you’re ‘befriending’ someone then I cannot help you, sorry, you’re screwed.

I’m kidding around but seriously if you think ‘I like that person because I get this or that from them’ and not ‘I like this person because I just do’ then re-evaluate your mission, soldier! Those paths don’t lead anywhere except a very lonely place.

For everyone else not getting that forewarning, seriously, don’t worry about having a lot to say about yourself when you meet up with people, especially those you’ve not seen for a long time. It’s natural to want to tell people about your achievements and your losses because as a species humanity thrives on sharing. It may not seem like it when you hear tales of fellow humans not being ‘who Mr. Rogers believed we could be’ but we literally get boosts of hormones that make us feel good when we have positive interactions.

(Photo: Rogers with one of the show’s regulars, François Clemmons. Photograph: Alamy)

Think about it. It always feels good when somebody listens to you, especially when they respond with questions. That shows that they’re also learning from you, and that they care, and want to know more, sometimes even help. Knowing you are making a connection that will improve a relationship for the future is an extremely gratifying experience. Yet, that is also why you must not simply tell your side of things, but hear others out and ask how their lives are going too.

If you read back a couple of days ago, I spoke about how difficult it is to be funny and a few ways you can be funnier. When someone tells a joke or a funny story or observation, one way to make that person feel good and to show them that you listened is to double down on that joke. For example, one could be telling a story about a close encounter with a bear, and add ‘I guess I didn’t have the right to BEAR arms!’ This could prompt a response, ‘at least it wasn’t a GRIZZLY end!’

It’s not just cheesy, it’s immature cheese we have here, yet the response would turn that first bad joke into a bonding experience, and both people feel good by sharing it. This is why, whenever you get a chance, you should ensure that you learn at least one or two things about someone whenever you meet up. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but by proving you aren’t just preaching the church of your life to the world, whether they want to hear it or not, and care about what is going on outside of your bubble, you’re taking an active step to make a change.

Hopefully, I’ll get two final points across in the last eight minutes I have to write - the first is this. Sometimes, questions can put people on the spot. ‘How was your day?’ is nice to hear, but generic, ‘what can you tell me?’ is great, and open, but sometimes so far open that people haven’t got a clue how to answer it. Still ask these things, but if you see someone floundering, trying shortening it to something that might help. Here’s a suggestion;

“What’s the most awesome thing that happened to you this week, and what was the most rubbish thing to happen?” Sure, that last bit seems negative, and if you do not know the person really well you might want to avoid that bit. However, what people often find is that they can pick out negatives a lot easier than positives, and just getting something bad off of their chest can be a good thing. Just be careful how and when you use it and be more specific depending on what you know about the person. Take a runner, for example, you could ask them what was the hardest bit this week and where they went or what they achieved that made them feel good in the end.

With two minutes remaining, my last point is this. There’s a big calling at the moment to listen to people. People who are in danger, who need help, who have needed it for a long time and are finally getting their words spoken. If you see this, then it is a good idea to listen. You may not agree, you may feel you have more important words to say but try this. Think back to your first weeks at school. If you’d spoken over your teacher every single day, how little would you have learned that you rely on now?

Then ask yourself, is this any different? The answer is yours and yours alone.

Thank you for reading, for supporting, and for being strong.

All good things,
Love, Scaramouche.
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