A too familiar problem (part 2) · 6:08am May 17th, 2020
Once again, this style of blog story was inspired by Fallout dude 50, check him out for more slice of life stories that are generally more upbeat and fun. Follow him too while you're at it.
This is quite heavy with my writing style however.
At Starlight's warning, Luna had braced herself for what was ahead of her. She had to come to James' castle, but that was the easy part. She was not looking forward to what she was going to be doing next. She'd seen the carnage and destruction that haunted James whenever he had these nightmare memories. Or even when it was too quiet in the wrong way (whatever that meant.)
Once she found a comfortable place to stand she closed her eyes and her horn began to glow.
The dream realm was so strange here, almost as though it were nothing more than a mirror of the waking world.
She opened a nearby door and beyond was the scene she feared. With a calming breath she stepped beyond and was completely surrounded by the death and destruction of James' memory. She slowly walked through the scene as she searched for the dreamer.
Behind her the rubble turned to rocks, grasses and flowers sprang up around her hooves as she walked, and the silence was filled with birdsong. A meadow slowly replacing the battlefield behind her.
Changing this was more difficult than a normal dream. While Dreams often had memories backing them, this was the memory haunting him and not a dream based on the memory.
She felt a pang of sympathy as the memory of the Tantabus came back to her. The creature had been nothing more than her own self hatred for what she had done and had nearly escaped the dream realm to wreak havoc across Equestria. She had only manage to defeat it by finally accepting it as part of herself.
She wondered if James was inadvertently creating his own. A new Tantabus fueled by horrors greater than she had ever dreamed of as Nightmare Moon. Would anyone be able to accept such a being as a part of themselves?
In the distance a figure moved from a destroyed building to one that still stood. She recognized the creature immediately as James.
Her horn glowed and the figure faded out. It wasn't the real James, but a projection of himself that he watched over and over again. She had to wonder if the memories triggered his depression, or if it was the other way around. Either way, the risk of another Tantabus was real.
The real James dropped from the sky and slowly walked towards Luna. The destruction around him held firm against Luna's desire to banish it. He likely held onto it to punish himself.
Why are you here?
I meant to ask you the same thing.
It's where I belong.
Really? You belong here, in a struggle long ended? Reliving that which you cannot change?
You know … I tried once. To change it I mean. I found out that was actually one of the factors that led to it happening in the first place.
We all have things in our past we desperately want to change. But the only thing accomplished by continually punishing ourselves is creating more problems.
I don't come here because I want to.
Then why do you stay?
Because it's what I deserve.
Many would disagree, including myself. And most worry about where this could lead. Sara fears that one day her father will no longer be there. Forever lost because of a pain which he would not let go.
If she knew …
It would not change how she feels about you.
Soon the meadow Luna had created behind her began to spread. She was beginning to make progress, but this conversation was far from over.
She just wished it would last. James never had any lasting memory of their talks within his dreams. More than once Luna had asked if these trips were even worth it, but she would not stop. She was going to do her part to help him.
Daylight streamed in through the windows as Rainbow Dash walked through the hallways of James' castle. She had made it a point to keep to their regular get together. Sometimes it was dinner, sometimes breakfast, she had been particularly busy that day so it was dinner for her.
She'd hesitate to call these dates, but Starlight had been encouraging her to start and to really explore her feelings concerning the unusual man. As she did she'd been learning more about herself (uncomfortable as it may have been at first,) and realized that she'd been having more fun since she started to embrace these new aspects. She was learning to accept the strangeness of it and enjoy what they had, because she realized that she was not willing to give up what was being uncovered.
She peaked around the door to his study, if he wasn't paying attention she was going to get him good. However, the room was empty. She snorted briefly before walking towards his and Lucca's bedroom, he was as likely as she was to sleep in. Unfortunately this meant that she couldn't startle him if Lucca was there, but that may not be the case.
It was also empty.
There were only so many places he would be at this time of day, so she made her way to his den where he would most likely be reading. However what she saw as she peaked in told her much of what was going on.
His hair was disheveled and beard untrimmed, the blanket normally spread across the back of the couch was wadded up and pushed against the armrest. James sat motionless and silent, staring blankly at the floor.
All thoughts of surprising him fled her mind as she flew over and sat on the couch next to him. She'd seen him depressed before, but not this bad. At least not since they were both locked inside of Washu's chamber.
She had a general idea of what was wrong, though whenever she asked nobody would elaborate. What she understood was that his mind was in the distant past, at a time where he really hated himself. She glanced around quickly, making sure they were alone, before draping her wing across his back and resting her head against him.
It's alright, you'll get through this. And I'll do anything I can to help you. I promise.
Damn this guy has some big demons to deal with I hope he can defeat them
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It's good to hear, but he never will.
Even if he were to finally get help (which he refuses to do) these scars are with him even when he has no memory of their cause.
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This is sad there’s always a solution though
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For some, management is the solution.
And he's better than he used to be. To quote Lucca from chapter 62
Especially in his case, as he's decided it's impossible.