BTS - The Heart That Forgot How to Feel - it's about time I give you a possibly surprising background on what this story is about, where the idea came from and a real-life influence that sparked its existence (WARNING: Emotional)

I was looking through one of my older stories. The Heart That Forgot How to Feel. I want to tell you all about this story, about why I wrote it.

When this idea came to me, it wasn't for the reason that it seemed like a good idea and would great as a story. The true reason this story exists is because of how lonely I feel inside. It's not the depression that made me write it, although that does play a factor in most of my other stories, which I'm sure you'll know. THTFHTF was written because I had dreams when I went to sleep, where I was a family man and I was married to a girl who very much resembled Fluttershy. There was also a little girl in it, but I never saw her face, so she was based off of her mother's appearance.

A long time ago, I felt like I was robbed of this future because of a person I was 'friends' with. A betrayal lead to a point where I made it abundantly clear that I strongly disliked him for the type of person he was and what he did, which involved me ignoring him intently and not speaking to him when he's around. I won't say too much about why I hate this person's guts, but he's a massive pillock that thought it was funny to dick around on a dangerous job, which almost resulted in my best friend getting his head caved in by tonnes of stacked wooden planks.

I don't openly speak about it simply because it makes me incredibly sad to dwell upon, but I had this dream of one day being a parent. I was like any other guy, the one that wanted to be in college and meet a beautiful girl, fall in love and maybe settle down. I've always wanted a daughter, too. I wanted to know what if feels like to be a parent in a happy, healthy relationship where I'm married to my sweetheart and we have a girl together. That was my ideal plan for life. Trouble is, when you don't have a child or a significant other in life, what are you supposed to do? Party all night and get hammered? Experiment with drugs and spend all your time inside playing games and getting fat off of takeaway? I don't want that.

With Fluttershy, Liam and Shy Fly, I imagined it how my dreams played out while I was sleeping. I'd often have these visions when I'm awake, where I'd daydream about it for hours on end, unable to get it out of my head. It brings me bliss. The 'Tragedy' tag fits in all too well for the story in relation to my real life situation, in where I'm widowed after my wife passed following complication with child birth and I'm alone again, only with this painful reminder in the form of the girl that was born that day. It's like looking at a ghost. Being reminded of it, a future that won't be possible...it breaks my heart.

I sincerely hope nobody out there has to live in a reality like the one Liam lives each day, wishing for their love to come back to them. I don't want to know how that feels. I already feel bad for people that are currently widowed, whatever the cause of it. I don't even know how to begin to understand what kind of painful reality that is. If you're one of those people and you're reading this, you have my sympathies. 💛

You know, when I was conflicted about my feelings for a girl I had previously dated and my tutor in performing arts noticed my distress and pulled me aside after lesson to chat to me, I told her about my position. I said I had briefly hung out with her and that I liked her, and I thought of her as a girlfriend even though we were only friends, but she wanted to date me again. Given some of the circumstances involved, which I won't get into here due to their personal nature, I told my tutor, ''I can't risk it and lose her because once she's gone, I'll never find anybody else to love.''

That was my honest, exact response.

So, this story, in relation to that, meant that it would be impossible for Liam to fall in love with another girl like he did with Fluttershy, the only girl he had felt that way about. The closest relationship he had aside from her was Rainbow Dash, and that was a route I considered, but it would ruin everything that has been set thus far. Sometimes, guys only have one love, a flame that burns forever and that they chase and strive for the affection of. It's like an enchantment that can't be broken. It's not the kind of thing you can claim to understand fully unless you've experienced it for yourself. That's the way it is.

As a whole, this story resonates massively and very intimately with my entire history with my thoughts and feelings towards love and romance, venting my sadness and frustrations into what it feels like, how hurt I am inside by knowing it's something that I just can't have. Imagine that - you have such realistic dreams where you're able to smell the aromatic perfume of your spouse and the tenderness of her soft skin while you hold her hand, hardly distinguishable from the real thing, but when you wake up, you realise she's not there and it was all fabricated. I woke up once after a dream like that and I cried. It moved me that much.

The unending sensation of longing for something that cannot be would hurt anybody, and anybody who tells you that they don't need love are liars. It's a requirement / general need for all humans that nobody can do without. I made that point very strongly emphasised in the story.

I don't know what the future holds for myself in terms of what I've mentioned above, but when you've pretty much been left on your own for your entire life, constantly let down and flat-out lied to by those who tricked you into loving them, letting another person in that might break that trust is scary. No matter how badly you want it, it'll always be scary to process. There are so many reasons why I act, think and feel the way I do, all being a side effect of my upbringing and the life I've been forced to live. In my mind, finding one person that will love me the way I envisioned it in the dreams, the way I transferred those emotions into the story, it'll set me free and give me some closure so I can move on.

I don't see a future where I'll be happy until I can rebuild that trust again and be proven to that I can be loved like that. Until then, it'll only be a fantasy floating around in my brain and giving me euphoric dreams that tantalise me every night, the one thought rolling around in my head without a pause button. In this life or the next, I don't know if things will be different.

Almost all of the stories I've written that have a romance tag have some form of relation to what I've mentioned above, compared to the heartache I've suffered with since I was a young child. This story, though, out of all of them, is by far the biggest and most meaningful, intimate one that gives a true, definitive explanation and description of all of those feelings. To this day, I still live with that heartache. It's been so long that I've come to the conclusion that I'm too ugly (what I call 'ugged up') and unwanted to be loved. And it hurts.

So, there you have it. The Heart That Forgot How to Feel was myself. A broken-hearted guy with dreams of longing for romance and a family of his own that cannot be. Conclusion: I want to cry, but I can't.

Peace. 💛

- FireRain (Ribe)