Things are going better . . . and worse. But mostly better. · 11:04pm Sep 4th, 2019
Given that the entire time I've been here I've been in a massive depressive slump that's been killing my creativity, anyone can be forgiven for not picking up on this, but here's the thing: I tend to write novel length things. Well, I tend to try to write novel length things, and then something sets off my depression, the bottom drops out from under me, and all is weeping and gnashing of teeth.
I'm not entirely sure whether the four one-shots here represent a new and different direction for me, or me changing my conception of what constitutes a story. Inescapable Consequences and Indifference seem to support the "changing conception" theory, since I recognize now that they can both function on their own perfectly well, but there was a time when I probably would have considered them each to be incomplete fragments of (otherwise non-existent) larger works, and thus not shareable on a site like this.
Anyway, novel length things. They tend to be how I think and how I operate.
Part of what that means is that anyone who's planning on reading any of my eight* non-oneshot fics is in for a long ride, assuming I can actually write them. In other circumstances, that would be fairly neutral, but things kind of suck right now. The more installments it takes to finish something, the more opportunities there are for things to go wrong.
Part of what that means is that even when I do make progress, it doesn't necessarily help with getting the next installment posted, because maybe I'm making progress on a part of the story that won't come up for another twenty thousand words.
Part of what that means is that (since contest deadlines can get me writing when nothing else can) I'm currently trying to take a novel length concept, strip it down to the core idea, and hope that that can be made into a coherent story less than 15,000 words long. (See: Sunset Shimmer Shipping Shenanigan 3: The Final Shippening.)
So, with all that in mind, things actually seem to be getting somewhat better, though that could reverse itself at a moment's notice.
At some point my pharmacy went out of business, which happened just as I was having a medication dosage changed, and everything basically went to shit. All of that seems to be cleared up now, so I'm not off my meds, nor am I being forced to ration them in hopes that by taking a lower dosage each day (intentionally chronically under-medicating myself) I can make them last until [whatever problem is preventing me from getting more this time] is solved.
Somewhere in all of that I realized that I'd been eating way too little, which kinds of saps energy, and motivation, and emotion, and . . . life in general. I'm still struggling to stay on top of eating and hydration, but I'm pretty sure that it's not nearly as bad as it once was.
And, with this stuff happening, there have been some promising signs. I made some progress on Chapter 2 of From the Ashes for the first time in ages. I wrote Indifference. I've been writing a fair amount for Fractured Friendship.** (Fair warning: that footnote is massive.) There are other things that I probably can't properly put into words.
On the flip side, for a very long time I was using my emergency backup computer. It died. I need what was on it. The hard drive should be fine, but getting the data off of it is proving frustratingly . . . not difficult, per se, but . . . involved, let's say.
When I got a new primary computer that was great and amazing and helped lift my mood and-- it died today. It's under warranty, but if it comes to that I'll be stuck on this one for however long it takes to ship it out, have it fixed, and ship it back. (This one is the new emergency back up computer.)
The first side, though, is probably more important. Things do seem to be getting better.
[The lack of tangents about my living situation, my sister's farm, and goat anatomy in this post was brought to you by the wondrous magic of editing.]
* I didn't set out to write five Anon-a-Miss fics, by the way; I just find bad fiction very inspiring.
** Unfortunately, it's all been on the Silver Spoon subplot which is a problem for two reasons.
The first, and by far the simpler, reason is simply that Silver Spoon hasn't even appeared yet. And she won't for a bit. Which means that none of that writing is actually getting me closer to finishing and publishing Chapter 2.
The second is that I have a feeling that a lot of people aren't going to like it. And that they aren't going to like it in a very specific way.
I know that there are plenty of times when I'm reading a story I really like and suddenly some new element (which I never saw coming) is introduced that distracts from all of the things I liked, and the ideas I was interested in seeing explored, and I'm left wishing that the author would drop the damned thing already, because (voice of Fred Savage from The Princess Bride) you're messing up the story!
I think the stuff related to Silver Spoon, all of it, is going to be that for many of the people who would otherwise have really liked Fractured Friendship. It's half the reason I'm writing Fractured Friendship, but it's not the reason anyone's reading it. It literally can't be until it actually shows up in the story. Once it does, I feel like people will stop reading, or at least enjoy it significantly less, because what they wanted was a straightforward story of what happens when Sunset convinces Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, but not the others, of her innocence, and the Rainbooms end up split. All of the other stuff I have planned would just be seen as junk weighing the story down and reducing its quality.
Goodness gracious, that's a big mood. A MOOD, if you will.
I'm glad things with your medication were resolved before it got too bad. That's a really scary situation to be in. Also, real talk, it's awesome that you were able to recognize you weren't eating/drinking enough and started being more mindful of it, all on your own. That's more difficult than people may realize.
Of course, here's the classic part of the Supportive Comment™ where I tell you to please be well and be safe and thank you for censoring goat anatomy. Goats have creepy eyes. They're a big spooky trouble.