Bleakbane... Farms...? [Wet Stellar Bodies in a Depressed Geological Feature] 01 · 12:40pm Jul 8th, 2019
Bad news, everyone! As my local Ponythread is so terribly quiet these days that I decided, in addition to soiling my local main forums (Giant in the Playground) with this, I'd also amuse myself with cross-posting this here as well.
You may commense rueing!
A little background: i have on numerous occasions on my local forums - mostly in pony thread, done a Bleakbane Watches (or Plays or Listens in once instance), in which I go and watch or Play A Thing, usually well behind everypony else, and then blither on about it or give a depressingly long blither about it as I go. Notable (game) subjects include X-Com (the original, as far as I played it), X-Com Enemy Unknown, X-Com 2, two plays through of EUIV and a re-play of TIE Fighter, all of which were written to the bitter end, regardless of whether or not anyone was listening. (Which is why I try not to do too many of these things at once.
(There's a long running Bleakbane Catches Up With Naruto in GitP's Naruto thread, as I only watch the anime as it comes out on DVD. So, finally, this year I might actually get to the end of Shippuden...)
(If you are stupid enough to encourage me here (and with my minimal amount of followers, I doubt that...), I might even post up the X-com ones as an archival one (since they heavily involve ponies, and also continue that On the Army Of The Red Spear series i started for further background.)
So, after watching Lanipator plays Stardew Valley for a few episodes, I finally cracked. I am REALLY BAD at finding some "casual time killing" when I have an hour or two to kill and little brain power spare (largely because I can't cope with casual games), but I figured I'd give it a shot, especially since between the current sale and Steam point discount it cost slightly under four quid. (So it only has to entertain for a few hours and it's paid for itself).
Because I am me, I did go mod searching first and have installed Stardew Valley Expanded (with improved farms) for More Stuff (and the Save Anywhere, because I REALLY HATE not being able to save anywhere, even if it'll only work on vanilla areas).
So, this will be likely an infrequent thing after the first gasp and thus the Plays Farms likely irregular, but it's a laugh innit.
I have only got up to about episode 20-odd of Lani's playthrough (so far), so I have a few ideas and intend to be a little more efficient, but most of it will be new (especially since mods), and I'm mostly going in blind-ish, without doing tons of min-max research like I usually do, because it is supposed to be a marginally relaxing game, innit?
So without further ado:
Part 1:
So, first disappointment! No Bald option; apparently, Concerned Ape says, this is actually a technical limitation. (Yes, I know there's a mod, but sod that, I've got a big mod thing already.)
So, no Bleakbane (maybe a second pass. I mean, I gather there's like, a quasi-Evil playthrough if you side with Joja corp or something? Always do the Evil playthrough second, right?)
Instead, then, it will be the farm of Illyphase the Erinyes.
Illy is what you get if you take Basically Pinkie Pie, get her killed young and horrifically turned into an erinyes in the typically horrible way devils get made, spend the batter part of two hundred years in bitter conflict and rivalry with Aluria the Succubus, but form a strange relationship that eventually translates beyond that to a relationship that kind of doesn't get easily defined by the usual terms, but that directly results in both of them becoming redeemed at the climax of a really big adventure and them going off to Magical Paladins of the Love Goddess School in the United Concorde of Divine Realms. (She's, like, the Bow-slash-fire one, Luri is like, the sword-and-shield one.)
Only in this case, Illy decides to go to a farm for a bit first.
(Illy and Aluria make quite a pair, actually. Aluria is calm and controlled and serene but has some deep-seated impulse control issues and a wicked sense of humour (and a little bit of, well, let's just say, she IS a succubus), Illy is a cheerful bouncy girl-child that nevertheless can be extremely organised (like Pinkie Cave organised) and is actually way smarter than you think she is and also has a deep aversion for rule-breaking of almost Twilight-levels). To say they are... complicated might be understating it.)
Illy also really likes starships. (She has considerable taste, it must be admitted.) And kitties.
(And BattleMechs, as she and some of the other girls apparently did some moonlighting for the Arano Restoration, where she and Glitch got on like a house on fire and you'd think they sounded nearly identical or something.)
Illy, needing some time to decompress after serving a great Lawful Evil power for so long... WOW this is way kind of appropriate right? So, anyway, she gets a big farm from SantaGranpa and heads off to do Farm Things, woohoo!
Arriving at Stardew Valley, she is met by Robin, who has done huge amounts of work on the farm making it all neat and stuff - well, she fixed the stone bridge and tidied the back garden and repaired the fences and made a table and some chairs and a doghouse, which Illy thinks is cool even though she doesn't, like, have a dog yet and she's going to totally get a kitten, because kittens remind her of someone she knew or something.
Illy also meets Mayor Lewis (who I choose to believe is an older version of Linkara doing his old man voice because shut up).
Illy is provided with some tools (a watering can and a hoe and a pickaxe and an axe and a scythe and wow, Bleakbane is right, gardeners really DO get all the cool sharp things, yay! She then settles in and goes to bed, all ready to Do Farm Stuff in the morning!
Ooh, she gets presents! It's parsnip seeds. Well, parsnips are kind of okay, but it's a start, right!
Illy does a quick survey around the area...
So, first job! Clear a bit of path and find the water she can fill her watering can from (it's to the left) and clear a bit of space so she can hoe out some ground to plant her seeds!
Tiring work, but she has just enough energy left to gather enough wood to make a chest to store stuff in. Which she carefully places not too near the selling bin, to minimise any actual possible bog-ups. And to dump some of the stuff in.
Oooh! Oooh! She can paint it! Blue, then!
Wow, is it half-past five already? Well, time for a quick rush into town and see who's about!
Too late for shopping, but Illy meets Pierre and Caroline (in the shop) and in the bar Clint and Emily and Pam and Gus and Shane (he's not very nice and icky, screw that guy. (No, not literally, Shoulder!Aluria, hush!)). And Olivia outside.
Ooh, time for bed. Well, maybe after some TV! Ooooh, oracle channel!
Bedtime!
Letter! Some guy named Willy wants to meet Illy at the beach! (Shut UP, Shoulder!Aluria! That's not funny! ... Okay, it is a little funny.)
After watering the plants, Illy heads off to find the beach - clearing some grass and stuff with her doody scythe as she goes!
Illy pauses briefly to chase a butterfly and then meets Maru outside the store. Illy then elects to buy some seeds and spends nearly all the money she had left from paying Robin the 104k pennies to sort the farm; she'll have some beans and some tulips are pretty flowers and some cauliflowers which are not really flowers and best of all the only proper vegetable, tatties!
Illy chats with Pierre and Caroline and then spies Abigail, who has purple hair, like Illy! And wears blue, Like Illy! But isn't actually blue, like Illy, but you can't have everything, can you? Illy likes her immediately! (Shut up, Shoulder!Aluria that... Actually, no, continue... Oooh, yeah... Wait, what was Illy doing?)
Then Illy spies a piece of paper, and surreptitiously totally grabs in a reads it!
*gaaaaaaaasp*
That meanine Mr Morris is bringing Joja corp to Pelican Town and threatening nice Mr... Whatever Pierre's second name with going out of business and mocking him by offering him a post as Assistant Grocer for 5g an hour, which Illy now knows means a ten-hour day just to buy potato seeds!
Something must be done! And as this is Illyphase, not Pinkie pie, who would throw a "please don't run people out of business" party or something, it will probably involve violence, because Illy both likes and is good at violence, especially for a good cause and in aid of people who both do not like and are bad at violence. Illy will have his balls for a necktie or perhaps use that nice scythe on his internal organs.
Later, though, beach first!
Oh, hello, Granny Evelyn! Actually, Illy is older than you probably, but you look good for your age!
Oh, hello there, Alex.
...
Illy doesn't think he looks like an Alex. Maybe a mundane Alex-short-for-Alexander, but he doesn't look nearly awesome enough to be an Alex-not-short-for-anything and probably doesn't like starships nearly enough. (Illy believes starships are very important, because Illy is, frankly, a young lady of great taste and discrimination and probably entirely correct about this "Alex-short-for-Alexander".)
Ooh, doggy!
Not as good as a kitty, obviously.
Hi, Mayor Linkara!
Victor is staring a grave, so much so he doesn't even notice Illy. (This further proves Alex-short-for-Alexander is clearly lame, since he's not even in the graveyard! He'll clearly never be a necromancer!)
*gasp*
A museum! Museums are cool, especially if they are starship museums!
*gaaaaasp!*
Gunther tells Illy that the last curator ran off with all the mineral exhibits! Illy determines to a) supply the museum with more pretty rocks and b) find the old curator and bury them in a shallow grave. In several pieces. Looks like Illy is going need more sharp objects.
Hi Vincent! You should read that book, says Illy, books are cool and if you read them, you grow up to be super-smart like Illy and do complicated thaumatelogical calculations in your head to adjust your fire-bow attack spells on the fly for maximising their potential penetrating, thaumic efficiency, valences and what pretty colour the screaming enemies of righteous should burn!
Hi, Teacher Penny! Yes, Illy IS a good influence of children! She's going to be aq paladin!
Hi, Jas, you remind Illy of someone she's not technically met at Paladin School yet!
At the beach, Willy, who is a salty seaman, wants to give Illy his rod.
Illy and Shoulder!Aluria are overcome with giggles.
Darn. Illy has to drop that one piece of wood (there is more giggling) so she can take the salty seaman's rod. Because she forgot she hasn't got a proper backpack yet and probably should have put those seeds away!
Whelp, sounds like it's time to head back to the farm, then! Time to plant all the seeds and then back to the beach because there's stuff to pick up!
Hi Jodi, hi Marnie!
Silly Illy, should have brought the hoe she just put away to dig up those wriggling things! Oh well, clams will do!
Ah, a bridge that needs 300 wood to repair. Illy is planning on doing this soon, since she remembers when watching that nice Mr Pator on the Youtubes and someone saying that lots of coral that makes lots of money is on the other side and Illy likes coral that makes lots of money!
Illy will just try a quick bit of fishing first, though, while she's here...!
Bollocks. Illy is REALLY BAD at fishing, it's exactly the sort of quick-timey event Illy just can't cope with, especially when it's the mouse button.
Illy is now going to be late for bed. Darn.
It's raining, though in the morning, so Illy doesn't need to water the garden. Maybe a few quick attempts at fishing in her pond, and then wood-gathering today!
Illy very quickly gets tired, and finds fishing is also tiring, and for her efforts, only catches a broken Cd and some broken glasses. Well, that sucks.
Illy also manages to make herself exhausted accidently using her fishing rod when trying to put the broken parts in the selling bin. Better eat one of those berries she found yesterday.
Huh, well that IS the first thing she's eaten in, like four days or something.
Come to that, Illy's house doesn't have a loo. Nor does anyone else's.
Illy has a short period of existential terror.
Then she goes to the beach, to pick clams. And dares risk using her hoe to dig up worms. She finds some GOLD ORE and a lost book. Illy wonders why the library wants a sandy, manky book. Perhaps it's an ancient grimoire of power or something, or someone's old spellbook. Illy curses that she can't sell it for lots of old, by Azurella's... Actually, Illy suspects that she ought to swear by the Love Goddess' anatomy, since she's also a goddess of sex and relationships and thus any part of her anatomy sworn by is probably a double or even single entendre.
Then Illy suffers a bit of a mod-related time-loop and wakes back up at 6 o'clock, but all her yard-work is done - as she tries to work out why stuff isn't reading text string properly. She'll have to wait until tonight and save normally and try again...
Illy guesses she'll just explore for the rest of NuToday, then, since she's still knackered. Maybe she'll see the doctor about the time-travel thing. Doctors know all about that, right?
Ooh, Gus wants a potato! Illy is growing a potato, she can get him one! Hopefully! Except that it probably won't grow in two days!
The doctor is not in, and the shop is closed.
Illy is not having a good day...
Illy goes to see Robin and looks at all the house and building upgrades she can't afford, because Illy has, like 40g right now. Hi, Robin's husband Demetrius!
Illy wanders the town like a very damp wraith. At least she's finding lots of flowers...? She finds Linus, a strange old hermit living in a tent on his own, so she gives him a Salmon berry, because seriously, that's just sad.
Ahh, Illy has found the Joja mart! Time for some justifiable homicide! Illy is glad she brought her scythe!
Fragdammit. Morris appears to be immune to having his head scythed off. This really isn't Illy's day.
To further prove Illy's point, the blacksmith locks up literally the second Illy arrives.
Illy idly contemplates turning Evil again and going on a rampage, though with Illy's luck today, a) everyone will be immune to scythes, b) it's too wet for fire spells and c) she left her awesome magic bow-thingy with Aluria.
Double darn it.
Illy goes to see Jodi, who berates her for having muddy feet.
Illy gives her a daffodil, to try and make up for it.
Jodi hates daffodils.
Illy has had enough, and tromps off to bed, feeling utterly wet, miserable and defeated.
Well, at least Illy levelled up foraging; she has lots and lots of daffodils now...
Thursdays is off to a good start, Illy is taunted by the promise of a better backpack, which she can't afford, since she has literally made no money at all yet.
Illy waters the plants and vents her frustrations by murdering some plants and trees. Illy starts to realise that farming is just like gardening - it's not really about growing stuff, it's mostly about killing stuff and chopping stuff up. Illy feels better.
Ah, overnight, the world has magically fixed itself so that stuff is now showing proper text strings (edit: actually, it hadn't, it took a manual installation later), and all without actually causing more terrible time travel shenanigans that meant Illy spent more time sopping wet from rain yesterday that there were literally hours in the day.
Illy's eye twitches.
She goes to the doctor, maybe seeing if she can find some tranquilises. and then remembers that neither that nor booze will help, since she's immune to poisons.
Darn it.
Apparently, Maru works as the... pharmacist/dispenser at the clinic.
Illy finds the doctor, Doctor Harvey. Hi, Doctor Harvey! Illy also finds the Doctor's bucket of used needles. She considers sticking her hand in, but then remembers a) damage reduction and b) immune to disease as well.
Double darn it.
Illy is fairly sure life is just extracting the urine at this point.
Oh, good, now medical racism.
Oh, a new face! Hello, Haley! Yes, Illy is the new farm girl. Would Haley like to be friends with Illy?
WHY IS EVERYONE SCYTHE PROOF!!!!!!
Illy takes a calming breath and remembers she wants to be a paladin. Perhaps she should try and redeem Haley, like a proper paladin. Plastering her best rictus grin on her face, she offers Haley a daffodil.
Well, at least SOMEONE appreciates Illy's flowers, even if she is a total b... lich.
(Somewhere, Bleakbane is suddenly deeply offended.)
Wow, Illy is having to repress a lot of issues. Illy wonders why the literal Hells was this supposed to be relaxing again?
Illy heads to the store, to see if maybe she can find Abigail. Outside, Mayor Linkara chuckles about how sometimes, it gets so rowdy at the bar, they put a coin in the juke box. Illy wonders if this is the start of the decline that happened to Fat Grandma.
She instead finds Elliot, who looks like Pegasus from Yu Gi Oh Abridged if he fell on hard times and now lives in a shack by the beach. He now permanently sounds like that now.
Illy says hi to some villagers as she goes on her way to maybe do some fishing.
Oh, hello Sam!
Illy spends until ten o'clock fishing and catches a) a broken CD, b) green algae, c) trash, d) a soggy newspaper and e) no fish whatsoever.
Illy does not understand fishing. Mr Pator in the Intertubes made it looks so easy. But it is clearly beyond Illy, being too twitch-heavy and there are not enough hours in the day, nor any kind of training exercise to help Illy practise. Illy is very frustrated and stomps off to bed.
To the intertubes!
...
Illy is pretty sure the only way she's going to catch fish is by very slowly catching trash in her pond until she can make crab pots.
In the morning, Illy goes out to find the Joja Corp Evilly caused aa landslide on the lake, which is now cleared. Illy has an idea where she's going today, after watering the plants...
Hooray! Illy now has parsnips!
Nevermind that, though off to the lake.
Mayor Linkara intercepts Illy though, to talk about the old community centre, which is very clearly haunted by little green... animate pots...? Mayor Linkara is too senile to notice. Illy will look into this later...
On the way, Illy sees Linus, who asks her not to destroy his tent, because it's happened before.
Illy is lost for words. Something is going to get murdered today.
Illy finds an old mine, in which Marlon (hi, Marlon!) says is full of ore and monsters. Illy gets a rusty sword! Well. this is going to be fun! Illy thinks it is stabbering time or something.
Illy wanders down into the mine, sword and pickaxe in hand, except she can't dual-wield, which is a shame. She finds some ore, and some quartz (maybe Abigail would like this...) and a geode that the blacksmith can open and a little cure blue slime, which Illy kills the crap out of, while laughing. Hello, misplaced aggression, thinks Illy.
Illy gets down to level five in the mines, but she really needs a backpack before she does too much of this, as her inventory is full!
Perhaps ought to go home now and sell some of her parsnips!
Illy sells her parsnips (except for the silver star one) and the bug meat and slime she found for a fair bit of pennies. She could do with buying some more seeds now!
But good news, Illy has levelled up to level one in farming and mining now! Huzzah!
Right out the door, Clint is there to give Illy plans for a furnace! Then she can smelt ores for better tools! Illy likes this, because Illy likes fire, free stuff, fire, better tools and fire.
Marlon left a note to say of Illy kills ten slimes, she can become an adventurer! Illy reflects that she's pretty sure two hundred years of brutal conflict with demons probably qualifies her, but whatever, she's killed three or four already, so hoorah!
While Illy waits for the store to open, Alex-short-for-Alexander tells her his arms are sore, which is good for a guy like him. Illy thinks he's an idiot and probably doesn't need to know that.
Illy heads in and runs into Abigail. Illy gives her some quartz, which Abigail eats because Abigail is special and cool like Illy.
Illy buys twenty more parsnip seeds, then does a bit of toing and froing between the museum and the blacksmith's and ends up donating a quartz, a limestone and a slate. (She has an amethyst, but she's saving that...)
On her way back to the farm, Illy has a quick look around the community centre, but only finds a thing with writing on she can't read. Illy diverts to give Haley another daffodil because then she might be able to bribe her into... Not being a bittle lich. So to speak.
Back the farm. Illy makes a scarecrow to put in the middle of her little crop field, plants her seeds and starts clearing some more stuff before heading to bed.
And there we shall leave her, twitching slightly in her sleep...
It seems like there's a lot going on behind the scenes that the relatively limited game mechanics are not allowing you to express. Unless this game secretly turns evil at some point a la Doki Doki Literature Club, and I'm pretty sure I'd have heard of this memetically by now.
5085817
On the one hand, Bleakbane Plays are characterised by the brutal insertion of non-canon-compliant characters which in-part or entirely re-contextualise the events into some sort of skewed funhouse mirror horror of the canon.
(Example: X-Com, in which Bleakbane himself and his top sidekicks, Hopereaver the lich-magical-girl (his second-in-command) and Derpy[1] took over direct command of X-Com and made it into Aotrs-Com and Bleakbane ran the whole show despite going on all the missions personally...)
On the other, given there are mods in play and Stardew Valley vanilla has stuff like a mine full of monsters to slay despite being ostensibly a farming simulator, who the frack knows?
(I think there is sort of an evil path where you can side with Joja corp, for instance, so...)
[1]Who actually does carry the rank of Ensign in the Army Of The Red Spear for services rendered (she got a promotion from Master Star Sergeant for that year she spent pretending she killed and replaced Lord Death Despoil, but that's a whole other kettle of fish that would have to be explained in a subsequent On The Army Of The Red Spear...
"Because shut up" should be reserved for things where there isn't a good reason. In this case, Linkara's actual first name happens to be Lewis, and he absolutely deserves to be in charge of something more important than a Group of Interest to the SCP Foundation (let's face it, Gamers Against Weed is basically an entire faction based on Atop the Fourth Wall and its expies being a real thing).
Oh, and definitely count me in for making On the Army Of The Red Spear more accessible, because I wasn't aware there were others.
5086351
It is?
What, really?
Huh.
I neither noticed or knew that...
I will, at some point, do another On The Army Of The Red Spear, then, because I need merely non-zero encouragement and then it's difficult to get me to stop...
(There will also be another one of these in short order, it's already queueing up in the text file and the only reason it hasn't been spewed out yet is I'm giving GitP a slight bit of opporunity before I go "frack it" and double-post.
5086514
Your lore is awesome and it almost doesn't matter whether you're writing or living it (World as Myth) (Also, you know damned well that there are definitions of "living" that do not involve literal biological processes, and therefore apply to you)