All I Ask · 1:11pm Jun 6th, 2019
I know that some of you might not even expect this from me, but it's something that I need to say and be serious about.
Rather than the person you see behind the face of that adorable, orange-yellow-haired pegasus by the name of FireRain, the usually friendly, talkative and ambitious author without much of a care for anything, I'm nothing like that. Sure, I can joke around and have a conversation, but, the truth of the matter is, that I'm actually very quiet and anti-social, only ever having to involve myself in a conversation if I'm unable to avoid it or if I get dragged in.
I don't expect anybody to understand entirely the type of person that I am, but, as with every single human being out there, I have reasons for being the way that I am, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you that none of it was due to people caring enough about me to be considerate or even responsible for their actions.
The one thing that I want to make crystal clear is that I truly do not have a piece of mind that makes me want to be integrated into society or the world beyond my keyboard. I want to have no part of it. I had a relatively nice childhood up until roughly two years of being alive, which was when everything just crumbled for me and my brother. Long story short, I basically lost my entire family and my sense of happiness. Right now, I've been miserable for so long that I've forgotten what being happy feels like, and I wish I didn't have to say that.
I separate myself from just about everyone, including those that I've been friends with for almost my entire life. My best friend, whom I've known since primary school, when I was maybe about eight years old, is one of those people that I don't speak to because I don't feel as if I deserve to be a part of his life for some of the things I've done. I've had friends that I've been relatively close to and had a strong relationship with, but I choose not to hang out with them or get too involved because, from my past experiences, it normally ends up with me getting hurt, and it's not something I deal with so well, the heartache. I don't even feel as if I've earned a place amongst any of the people I've met.
I've never integrated or fit into any of the common groups or friendship circles during my time at school, and it sucked. I never fit in anywhere, no matter how desperately I wanted it, and it's stuck with me since. I've always thought it's because I just had something wrong with me that I couldn't pin-point, and I still hold onto that thought because I don't really know what to think about it. It just seems like I get pushed aside and forgotten about the second someone new moves in, and I've always been left feeling like an outcast.
I'm going to be blunt - especially as of recently, I told everyone in my family exactly what I think of the one responsible for how badly things are for what was left of my family going downhill, but, rather than listening, they ignored me. Nobody in my family gives enough of a shit about me to understand why I'm so upset and why I have so much anger and a mindset that makes me want to have no involvement with them.
They all refuse to accept responsibility for what they've done, and do you want to know what the worst part is? Not one single person has ever thought about apologising for what they've done, and they think that it's me that should apologise, and, I ask you, just what is it that I'm supposed to be apologising for? Telling the truth? I don't think so.
Point is, I am so sick and bloody tired of having to deal with this neglect, abuse and heartache and suffering in silence for the actions of others. All it's done has fuck with my mind and make me into something that I don't want to be, and it's literally made me hate the concept of family in general. Like, Dad didn't even think once to see how I was feeling, and it's like he's completely oblivious to the fact of how miserable I am, mostly due to some of the things that he allowed to happen. So, I'm meant to bend over and accept it, am I? Is this really all I have to look forward to?
I'm not going to be the liar here, everyone, so I'll just say it - I truly, honestly and whole-heartedly do not want to live anymore.
For a while now, I have always had this thought in the back of my mind, one about killing myself just so I don't have to deal with this pain and morbid horseshit anymore. Every single day, I wake up feeling like I've just been rammed by a freight train, migraines constantly plague me to no end, and there's this empty pit in my heart and body that makes everything seem so meaningless and minute, like everything just has no significance or importance, that it's all nothing more than a sick, cruel joke. I can't even find it in me to cry, like I haven't earned the right to do it, and I somewhat believe that to be true. I've always been forced by people to be ashamed to be what I am as a person and the way I choose to live my life, or, at least, what I have left of it.
I've always felt so ashamed about many things, and some of those things are related to rumours that were spread during my time in secondary school, rumours based upon lies. And people think so lowly of me that they believed it to be true. And so everybody thinks that it's true, and, although I have nothing to feel guilty about, my mind thinks that I do because the people that believed the lie no longer looked at me or treated me as they previously had. Can you imagine what that feels like? It's very literally torn my world apart.
See, around the corner from what is supposed to be my family house, there's this bridge that goes over the railroad tracks. Because of some events that had taken place not long since, I began to refer to the bridge as 'The Suicide Bridge'. I have considered a number of times about waiting on that bridge for the next train, and, given that the train station is just beside my home, I wouldn't have too long of a wait ahead of me. I've always wandered how it would feel like to go out that way. Some days, when I come home on the rare chance that I find the will to suffer through being in the presence of those that ruined my life, I think about finding out for myself. But I don't.
But, like I've mentioned above, and you have read some of the events that have led me to be dragged down to this point, there's only one thing that I ask of you, and that thing is this - that you remain loyal. I hold what friends I have left close to my heart, and I treat them with respect, like a human being. If you can't do that for others or return the favour, then I'm afraid that it's better for all of us if you just leave. Click the unfollow button and forget that you know me. I do not take any shape or form of betrayal due to neglect lightly.
This is going to be something that I will say once and only once as a friendly warning. As much as I'd like to believe that some of you people following me and supporting my work are my friends, that doesn't mean a thing to me if you're one of those people like the ones I've mentioned. I have avoided those people for as much as I could for almost my entire life, and I wish to keep it that way. I'm sorry for being so incredibly blunt, but this is something that I have to say.
And listen, there's nothing more that I want than for things to go back to the way they were for me and my family at the beginning, but I know that it's not going to happen. I don't want to accept it, and with how it's been rammed down my throat through a filter of lies, deceit, neglect and abuse, I'm not so happy about it, as you might be able to tell. Bluntly put, I fucking hate it to the absolute death.
I'm not going to go into detail about any of the above events that have been mentioned, but, one day, I may consider opening up about them either on my blog or on my YT channel, depending on how things work out in the future.
Anyway, I suppose you're bored to death with my rambling, so I'm going to leave it here.
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With love, from England,
- FireRain💛
Lol you really think you're gonna get rid of me that easily. All jokes aside I don't follow people that I don't think I can be loyal to. I am not going anywhere and my PM is always open for you if you want to talk. I am afraid that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
You should just cry, if have to cry. Just cry
I never left before, I ain't leaving now.
I know we haven't spoken in a while, but you know I'm still here. For you, and for anyone.
I never left before, I ain't leaving now.
I know we haven't spoken in a while, but you know I'm still here. For you, and for anyone.
I've hung around too.
Even had some decent chats with you.
You don't want to go into detail ?
That's fine. If you feel that is best.
Keyboards can connect people.
Just remember that, friend.
I'll always be loyal and always be your friend
I made a promise to you, and although it feels like forever since I made it. It's not one I ever plan on breaking. I and many other people will alway's be here to support you mate. No matter the issue or what time you might ask us to be there for you. You know that I'll at least alway's responded and try to help the best I can, as soon as I can. And I meant that, and still, do. No matter what.
So, despite whatever you may feel when you wake up friend, I still hope you have a great day. Cause at the end of it, we all care about you.
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Peace, love, empathy, Brethren. 💛☮ Means a lot to know that you all feel that way. It's one of the reasons I've stuck around for as long as I have, and you better believe me when I say that I would have ended it all long ago if I never met any of you, even if our only interactions are through a screen and a keyboard. Who I am is written in my stories, word per word, and the characters in said stories are all portrayals of yours truly. It's gotten better in the past years with thanks to all of you, so you have my gratitude.
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Aww
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If you ever need someone to talk to we're always here :)