Me and Mom · 10:31pm Nov 9th, 2012
"Just go back to Dad's. Things were better when you weren't here."
Her exact fucking words. I never thought I'd hear that from my own mother. But now that I have, I can now say that I've felt pain. Before, the worst was breaking a leg or getting a concussion or chewing on the knuckles of a simple bully, but this... it's just too much. It's the kind of pain that burrows deep and hurts when you try and forget it, and kills when you try to agknowledge it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
On top of everything else, my dog dying, the girl I was too shy to ask out getting with my friend, me failing English, one of the classes I actually throw myself to, after this great downhill spiral, I didn't need to hear this. It's just too much... the single feather that broke the camel's back. I know it's pretentious to think that complete strangers would care about my own problems, and this is one of the reasons I hate my own being, but I'd like to think there was at least one person who cared.
God, how I can type these words knowing that there are people out there who starve to death, people who are raped, things much worse; how I can even think that what I'm going through is rough, when compared to everything else, it sickens me. I tried to suppress it, I knew it was just hormones and stuff like that, but I can't really hold anything back now, it's all just too much...
The worst part is, when I talked with my dad, about what she said, he started bringing up horrible stories. Stories of how my mom would go and say that my dad raped her, even though they haven't even been in the same room for five years, how she would sleep around and cheat WHILE SHE HAD FUCKING CHILDREN! How she would use him and give nothing, taking even more and blaming him for all the troubles that she caused.
If there's any person I can call a hero, it's him. How he can endure all of this shit that is named "life" and can still smile at what he has. He's beautiful, really. He's a beacon of hope, to me at least. I can say that me and him are in this together, but then I'd be lying. I know he won't be around for long, even now the clock's ticking away, I know that one day I'll be walking alone... again.
So there. You know, it's true, writing really does help. But this is a band-aid on a stab wound. I don't know what to do now. I'm lost, I'm confused, I've tried to be more mature and take on responsibilities and see life through a new lens, but now all of this shit has happened. I just want things to go back to being normal, really. It that ever too much to ask? Is it ever too much to say that I'm scared and that I want to give up?
Oh boy, it sounds like it's been really hard for you. And hey, I can say I've been in a similar situation. A few years ago I came downstairs to see my dad beating my mother (who has MS), after that me, my two sisters and brother moved into an awful house along with our mother in one of the worst places in the city for around a year before my mum and dad made up and got back together and now we all live together again.
I have to say that living in that house the for a year was one of the worst times in my life. My mother was angry all the time and usually screamed at us when we did something wrong or didn't do what she told us to do and the kids in the area were fucking horrible. Can't tell you how many fight I got into. But while going through it all I never really let myself get depressed or overly angry about it.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just trying to say that other people have been through times where life seemed like it was hardly worth even living but if we endure the worst, it feels all the better when we finally get out of that situation and that if you feel like it can't get any worse that just means that there's nowhere to go but up.
I'm not for one second going to say that I understand what you're going through or that I can guarantee you will be happy very soon. What I can say, however, is that you are not alone and people DO care about you. You can look at any bad scenario and see the good in it if you know what to look for.
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Thanks, it helps. It's just... hard, not being wanted, even in your own home. I tried going for a walk with my dad, to feel better, and if I learned one thing during that time with him, I learned that people can be so cold. People are just naturally evil, it's in everyone's blood. The sad part is that the good people are freaks, outcasts who go against the norm. I try to be a good person. I'm always the first to give something up if that means that others can have a good time, because that means that I will have a good time, but after that walk with my dad, it just doesn't seem to matter anymore.
People are cold, and even if you give up everything, you livelihood, everything, you'll always get the shit end of the deal. I try to say that suicide is wrong, but every now and then I find myself justifying it... like I'm trying to convince myself it's okay. I mean, if a man's suffering, they have every right to try and stop that suffering, right? It's just natural to find a remedy for what ails you, right? We have medicine for diseases, stitches and surgery for physical harm, and we do have a cure for the worst ailment, life.
My only question is why is every other cure acceptable, but this single one not? It's my choice, is it not? It's my body, is it not? It will only affect me, will it not? So why must I not have it? Why do I stall?
I know you're trying to do good, and I thank you very much for everything, but I need to think now, I need to ask myself some serious questions...
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Thanks, just the fact that people replied, it's reassuring. I guess it is better to go through life trying to look for the best in things, but just hearing those words... it hurt. I can't really deny that. I guess I could try and forget about it, but it just won't go away. I know it seems rather minuscule, but just the build up to it all, and when she said it co cold-heartily. This entire experience has made me look at my own mother in a completely different way, now. All of these events are just... overwhelming. That's the word to describe it all, overwhelming.
I need to take my mind off of it all; thank god for ponies, right?