Not Much of Anything/Time (Rambling) · 10:54pm Apr 4th, 2013
This is gonna be quite a ramble. So yeah, just letting you know. Turn back if you don't want to hear my unfiltered bullshit.
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It really has been a while since I did anything worth while, hasn't it? I don't write. It's been awhile since I did anything with the RP. Hell, I don't even do that many blogs, even though I claim to love writing and having my words heard so much. In all truth, I really don't know what I've been doing with my time. It's all just been quietly slipping away and I've only just watched as it did. Really, that was one of my first fears, if you'll try to believe that. Being afraid of all the time I've lost. That thought's been the one real thing that haunted me for the longest time.
I don't remember my age when it first hit me, but I do know that it was the first time I heard the song "Dust in the Wind". When I listened and heard the lyrics, it was really the first time I was ever filled with dread. Now granted, I saw my share of scary movies (the one that still traumatizes me to this day being "Eight Legged Freaks"), but when I heard that song, when I found out what it was really saying, I feared nothing more than "every single second of my life was ticking away and being wasted", to put it simply.
My mind was sure to remind me that, even though I was so young when I heard it, I really only had so little time here. And ever since then I counted every second and dreaded that what I did was a waste of that 'oh-so-precious' thing we call Time. In truth, I can confidently say that this fear stopped me from doing a lot of things; things that would've been nice to at least try.
I don't know why I let this fear still haunt me. I've tried to simply think to myself "It's not what you do, it's how you feel", but that doesn't bring me any hope or happiness. I've tried to accept that I'll never do anything with my life, and it's only made things worse. By trying to take on both sides of the spectrum, I've yet to improve at all. I must ask "Why?".
Am I just meant to live a life of hopelessness, watching the clock as I confirm to myself that "Yes, you're 16 years old and the only two things you've ever received an award for were for being really good at Math during the 4th Grade, and winning a Soul Calibur tournament in 2007 in some anime-con(and even then, it turned out that it was partially rigged by my dad)." I know it's a bad way to look at life when you're measuring its quality on how many awards you've received, but really, that's the only things I've ever accomplished at all. Awards or no awards.
Now, don't get me wrong, I've tried to better my standings. I've tried to go out and make things better for myself but, to put it in a way that makes the most sense to myself, it's all over hyped. Life is, really.
"Going out with a girl that I really liked for a while?" It was boring and I lost the infatuation after really getting to know her, even after spending sixty very-hard earned/hard saved dollars on various things and activities throughout the day.
"Theme parks? Everyone loves those!" Been on one Super-Man, been on them all. That's how I feel every time I go on new rides, really. And that's how how feel more so when I get off. Plus, even though I'm afraid of heights, the safety restraints, all those bars, and the enormous amount of people riding them every day just remind me that there was never any danger or excitement to being with. It would've shown by now.
"Video Games? Try some new genres. How about buying some new releases instead the old dribble you play every day." Well, everything nowadays is just disappointing, really. I'm not saying that old games were the superior product, I'm saying that the game never amounts to any of the hype its received. Not for me, at least. Every new game I get always has me hoping for some "Wow-Factor", or to get me really immersed, or even get me nodding my head and saying "Yeah, I like that", but I've yet to find a game that "wows" me; new games constantly break my concentration and kick me out of the immersion that I so desperately need right now; and as for that quote? I don't recall saying that once this year.
"How about going online and doing something you've never done before, like... how about a DnD/RP thing? About uh... Ponies! And... Fallout! Yeah, you'll love it!" Yeah, well, it turns out that even though it's pretty cool to start one up and have a fountain for all my neat ideas, but in the later stages, it wears me down. It tears at my time. And it gets me doubting myself more than ever. Also, I have this sort of paranoia I have, that I just really suck and everyone's playing along just to laugh at all the shit I write up. That's what I think, truthfully. Really, running an RP is a very energy-consuming task when you're doing nearly EVERYTHING on your own. This is also kind of the same argument for writing, too...
Really, I could do this all day. "Hanging out with family/friends" "Getting a job" "Working out and bettering myself" "Traveling" "Sports", it's all the same. All of it has stopped giving me joy. I've slowly but surely stopped having that wonderful, filling sensation of happiness in my gut like I used to.
Really, when I said that "Nothing Is Fun Anymore", this is what I meant. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I'm no longer happy with anything. Everything new I try that promises me happiness, fulfillment, or fun ends up being or making me sad, wasteful, or bored/boring. I just miss that awesome feeling of "goodness" that overtakes your gut when you win something or do something worthwhile and it pays off. I just haven't felt that in forever, no matter what I do. And really, it sucks.
So yeah, there's my thoughts. Analyse them as you will. I'll take any insight if anyone has some to offer, really. I'm basically a lost soul right now. Drifting from activity to activity without much of any emotion. I just need... something. I don't know what, though. In all truth, I just want somebody to tell me.
Fuck off grasshopper.
Now that that's out of the way,
To be honest my standards are so low living in a small flat with a decent job within walking distance and owning a good computer with internet would be perfect for me until I die. Hell, I'm failing all four of my option GCSEs plus core science and I just cannot bring myself to care one bit.
I play tf2 pretty much all day every day on the same servers just collecting hats and fucking around with a buddy of mine. And that's fine because it's fun.
Life is just finding ways to entertain yourself until the sweet release of death and the endless nonexistence you have to look forward to. Not that you'd be aware of it since you wouldn't exist. It's like if you think of the 1800s. Does the fact that you didn't exist back then terrify you? If it does I pity you.
Anyway, you just need to find that one thing that you can do over and over again without getting soul crushingly bored and you're set. Don't expect someone else to give you it though because they're not you. sure, people can recommend things but it's up to you to decide what you like and what you don't
I've forgotten where I was going with this. Something about lowering your standards makes life somewhat bearable and shit.
Also, Eight Legged Freaks was a bloody comedy. The spiders even make funny sounds and whatnot.
Also, Torchlight 2 is a good game. Might wanna check it out.
Obligatory calling you a cunt. Cunt.
981602
I once gave this a thought. I don't know why I abandoned it, though. That idea kind of gave me comfort. Just living life without being forced to doing anything. I don't know why I abandoned the notion. I guess it's because everyone around me tells me to, and expects me to, do something good with myself.
I was somewhat convinced that living for myself was selfish and that I need to do something good with my life, so that I don't disappoint everybody. But I don't know so much about that, anymore. I guess I could give your notion a shot, never giving the slightest shit what others think about what I do. That is what you meant, right?
Also, on the topic of Eight Legged Freaks, I was 7 or 8 when I saw that shit. Comedy or not, it crushed any hope of me ever becoming an Entomologist, or doing anything that involved nature, really. I don't really remember what I saw, but there was something in that movie that left a huge scar right on my cerebral cortex. And I used to fucking love bugs.
981632
Yeah, that's pretty much it. There are more than seven billion people in the world and no matter what you do and how good you get someone is better and deserves it more.
You never lose if you don't care and don't try. It's a great way to live.
981735
Damn, I don't think I've written so much in one time. It's amazing what the illusion of a non-judging audience can do for your ability to write. Maybe I do have a bit of talent for writing after all. Thanks. Really. I'm definitely going to be using this quite a bit.
982798
Yeah, I gave them all a look. It's a nice thing, kind of exactly the thing I was looking for, really. Just being able to write down all of the dumb shit that flows around in my brain, it feels freeing. Again, thanks. I'm definitely going to be using this quite a lot, as well as that dream room thing. Definitely that one, too.