There have been no updates for a while: Here's why I've been quiet · 3:52pm Dec 20th, 2018
Hey, FireRain?
What?
Where have you been? There's been no updates for a while!
I've been pretending to be dead.
Yep, I've been out of the loop and off the scene for quite a while. The main reason is that I feel utterly terrible to the point where I can't sleep and I constantly feel like I want to be sick. Other than that, I've been having some issues with anxiety as I wait for a response from an agent whom I queried a while ago. Hopefully, I'll have some positive feedback shortly!
The second thing that I've got to say for myself is that I've been wanting to have some time away from writing so that I can rest my nerves and try to revive myself out of this stress pit that came along a short while ago, as per a blog post which I deleted about a month ago. I've been back and forth with my ideas and trying to better tune my creativity. I even used to do poetry every so often, something which I have stopped doing because I'm severely lacking in motivation to pick up my notebook and write in it. I have no energy, so that means that my brain is always asleep.
I haven't even let anyone see them aside from my grandmother and maybe two other relatives, so it's pretty private at the moment. However, if someone out there would like to see some, I wouldn't mind sending you them in the form of a PM. All you gotta do is ask. Other than the poetry, the stories that I've written as of recently have been something that I didn't expect much from, yet they were surprisingly popular. For someone who is hardly surprised, that definitely surprised me, so, thank you, people. Means a lot.
I'm afraid that I've only ever been able to publish small TextingStory videos to my channel from my phone because I have no time or place to record new readings of stories like I used to do every day of the week, and I miss it dearly. However, as soon as I can get someplace to record in guaranteed silence, I will get back on it.
Looking back on everything, I can't believe how much I've been slacking on my stories and the style which I'm most known for. You know, the whole sad and dramatic scene. The works. I've been trying to source some unique ideas and somehow weave it into a story like my earlier works, such as Ghost of the Past. To put it simply, I've been wanting to do something new and fresh, something purely unique. Broaden my horizons a little, you know? I just want to do something.
On an unrelated note, I haven't felt like it was anybody's business but my own to write this and make it known, but I've been dealing with issues related to guilt and depression, so it's been a shagged up week or two. I used to lay in bed at night and contemplate what's coming for me next in my life. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I lost someone that I loved and thought of like a second dad, seeing as he's been a part of my life since I was a kid. This is my first year without him, so it sucks. I can't stop coming to this dream that I had, and the dream was taking place with this person and myself in a strange country house.
He was sat on a stool with an acoustic guitar, seeing as he was a musician, much like myself, and he was singing while I was listening. I could hear his voice like he was still alive, but I knew with great reluctance to accept it that he wasn't. Next thing I know, I woke up in hysterics. I literally could not stop myself from crying about it, and when it happened, I was crying for two days to a week straight. I still can't believe that he's gone, and the fact that I missed his funeral because I was forced to go to Tenerife with my family when I made it clear that I didn't want to miss the funeral still hurts. I'm never going to get that chance back to say my goodbye's, so I compensated by going to the bar with my all-inclusive bracelet and I got more drunk than I have in my entire life. Partially, I hate to say this and I feel bad for admitting it, but I wanted to die. I just wanted to curl up in the corner of the bathroom while I was puking for almost an hour and die.
I've also been thinking about some of my previous friends, and I wanted to call them to speak to them, but I stop. Why? Because I feel like I have no right to do so and ask for their forgiveness. Anyone who has dealt with depression will know that it changes you for the worst, and when I was at my absolute worst, I ended up snapping on one of my friends. It got worse when I was in college, and the more we stayed together, he became more distant from me. I've regretted it almost every single day since then, and I didn't expect his forgiveness in the slightest.
I was surprised that this friend called me one day on Skype. I was baffled to see that he was calling me, and I pressed answer. When he answered, he asked me what was wrong because he had enough information about me to know that I was having hard times with managing my emotions and depression. We had a long, long talk about things, and he did the one thing that I never expected him to say: he apologised to me. To this day, I don't know why.
Look, the point I'm making is that I haven't been able to feel like I deserve his forgiveness, seeing that it was me that lashed in the first place. There are many more instances in which I've had some bad experiences with friends, but I don't feel like talking about it. I probably will never get over it. Don't know if that's good or bad, but there's still plenty of time to make that debate official.
Anywho, I don't really have much to say that I haven't said before, so on that note, I leave you with this:
My name is FireRain, and I leave you with love, from England,
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- FireRain 💛
I'm really sorry about this.
That friend who called you at the end sounds like a good person.
He / she was no doubt apologising for not putting the pieces together sooner.
Friends like that are rare.
Keep well mate !
Oh no
I usually feel great guilt and regret for the simplest little things, and the big things make an emotional ball and chain on my back. Hope if what you feel is anything like it, you're able to let go of it like I seem to fail to time and time again.
Best of luck with the writing and the poetry
Sometimes friends just care more about you than who was right. They might not even care about it any more and just want you to feel better.
All in all, stay safe stay happy and may things go well