Ascend Deleted Scene #2 · 7:19am Oct 27th, 2012
Yup, it's another deleted scene. This time from Chapter Five. As before, I'll elaborate on why it was deleted after the scene. So here it is:
After eating the heavy (and burnt) breakfast, hastily cleaning up the library, and casting her wing-be-gone spell, Twilight departed with Dash to begin training, leaving Spike in charge for the day.
“Where gonna train where?”
“I told you, Dash, the Everfree Forest.”
“But that's gotta be the worst possible place to learn how to fl—”
Twilight coughed loudly.
“Yes, Dash. Talk about this as loudly as you can as we walk down the main street of the town, for everypony to hear.”
The pegasus grinned sheepishly.
“Well, it's still just about the worst possible place to practice. What if you crash? Or you get lost? Or a cult devoted to Nightmare Moon foalnaps you?”
'Huh, you're usually the one who thinks those kind of things. Better step up my game, don't want to be replaced by a pegasus.'
“Why is that stuff going to happen to me? What about you?”
Dash scoffed.
“I'd kick those cultists butts so hard they'd wish they were praising the Smooze and I'd easily be able to find my way out of the forest.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“And what about crashing?”
“I'm workin on it. These kind of things take time.”
The two laughed as they walked out of Ponyville and towards the Forest.
Dash's expression grew serious.
“It's still a really bad idea to practice there, Twilight. A field or fog bank would be much safer.”
“Unless you want to do this tonight, which I assume is much more dangerous, then the Everfree Forest is our only option.”
“Why don't you just use that spell of yours to shapeshift into a pegasus? Then we can practice wherever.”
“It's called the wing-be-gone spell for a reason. It's been tailor made for one thing: getting rid of these wings. Modifying it takes extreme effort and time.”
“I still don't think it's a good idea.”
***********
Twilight and Dash stood in a small clearing within the Forest.
“Let's see them wings.”
Twilight canceled her spell with a bout of purple fire.
“Good. Now let's see how well you can hover.”
Dash hopped into the air and floated several feet off the ground. Twilight shakily followed suite.
“Excellent, Twilight. Hovering is one of the more difficult basic tasks due to its need for precision. Too much lift and you go skyrocketing into the air; too little and you can't sustain your altitude and fall to the earth like a rock.”
Twilight smiled brightly.
“This isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be.”
Dash raised an eyebrow.
“This is still beginner stuff. Let's see how fast you can increase your altitude.”
With that, Dash shot up into the air. Twilight quickly beat her wings hard and soon caught up to the pegasus.
“Not bad. Alright, let's see how well you can glide.”
Dash fully extended her wings and started drifting toward the ground. Twilight copied her.
“Now for the hard stuff. Let's see how fast you can fly.”
Dash flapped her wings and accelerated while she gained altitude. Twilight followed suit.
You will notice that the first part was merely heavily rewritten, while the second was completely scrapped. I felt I could salvage that first section but not the second.
The main reason it was deleted was I didn't like either Dash's or Twilight's characterization at all. Twilight's been apprehensive and nervous throughout the story and is suddenly bold and daring? I don't think so. Meanwhile, Dash is the one advising caution and apprehension about the Everfree Forest. It was like I swapped their personalities and that didn't sit well with me.
The second reason was it was getting a tad too shippy for my liking and, as this isn't a shipping fanfic, I didn't want to convey the wrong idea.
The third reason was I wanted to better handle the Everfree Forest, which seemed kind of abrupt and unbelievable. (Twilight doesn't want to send Celestia a letter out of fear but is more than happy to practice dangerous maneuvers over a location that nearly killed her?)
The main downside was toward you. Had I kept this scene, I probably would have been able to post the chapter at around 3:00 AM last night. Instead, you had to wait.
Dash seemed pretty Dash
, but yeah, your Twilight was pretty off there...
No offense, but I'm glad you decided to scrap the second half. The second half that you published was much more enjoyable to read. It was paced a lot more evenly, and it was much more engaging.
One of the most useful of skills for a writer is editing. Nice job of it here
I think you made the right call.
In the scrapped second part Twi seems to have instinctively grasped flying and is having no problem with it, despite all her nerves.
In the one you've gone with she's much more awkward and clumsy about the whole thing, which makes much more sense given she's only just gotten her wings.
Definitely a good call on the scrap. That would have been an abrupt departure for both ponies, plus, Dash "teaching" Twi by basically going from 0-60 in 3 seconds is a bit much. The published version reads muh, much better.
I like the rewrite!!!MUCH more realistic than this setup where Twilight gets flying instinctively
The pacing is a LOT better in the second one. I'm glad you caught that, it would have been kind of painful to read that. Very good job and this chapter, and I'm glad you are not making it ALL comedy.
...lol Past Sins
Man, I thought Twilight got the hang of getting off the ground too quickly in the real chapter, this deleted scene is just Twilight pranking Dash into thinking she hasn't already learned. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowderp_flip.png
Very good work on the edits. I tend to hang onto my little scraps of genius, not wishing to condemn them to the trash after spending all that time dreaming them up and nurturing them all the way to the keyboard. It's only later when my pre-readers look at them and say "What idiot wrote this crap" that I see their true abhorrent form, and drown them quietly behind Fluttershy's shed.
I agree with the rewrite of the second part, but, personally, I think I prefered this version of the first half. It seemed to flow better than the one you used, and I had no problem with Rainbow Dash being warry of the Everfree Forest.