My experiences with plurality · 4:08am May 2nd, 2018

Plurality is a phenomena where multiple personalities exist separately in a single mind. This can occur in multiple ways, whether through a tulpa, or split personalities. I've had my fair share of experiences with plurality, and would like to share them now. Be aware that this blog post will touch on some very heavy subjects which not everyone will be able to take. If you are sensitive to subjects of parental abuse, do not read further.

When I was very young, I was in a physically abusive household. My parents used to spank me, a lot, and often times for reasons I didn't know. Anything I did that didn't please them resulted in them beating my posterior for hours on end. One night, I bruised, and they didn't stop there. The beat me until that portion of my body was covered in blood and blisters. It was the next day when a police officer removed me from the daycare I was located at and took me to a foster home. I didn't know what exactly happened, but while I didn't appreciate the atmosphere, that foster home was the first place that truly made me feel depressed. I spent the night there, and I felt lost, helpless, and alone. The other kids there almost appeared to not have any life in their eyes. They had been there way longer than me, and some of them didn't even know a life outside that. This wasn't a foster home like most people think of foster homes. This place wasn't a nice big house full of pampered kids in their separate bedrooms neat and tidy all for them(thinking about it now, those rooms you see in fictional foster homes are about the size of my current bedroom). This was a single story establishment with a large laundry room, two bathrooms with showers set up like public restrooms, a kitchen, two rooms for the kids to sleep, set up with temporary cots, and a courtyard surrounded in chain link fence with razor wire at the top. This place felt way less like a foster home and more like a prison. Spending the night was the most traumatic thing for me so far, even having lived in a household where I was beaten at the drop of a hat. The next day, my grandparents from my father's side came to get me, I would be living at their admittedly much more pleasant house for the next year or so. Though I was being moved to somewhere more comfortable and familiar, the damage was already done. My personality had fractured into basic parts. If I had a psychiatrist at the time, they would've diagnosed me with traumagenic Dissociative Identity Disorder.

My fragments seemed a lot more like mood swings than personalities, because they were all single aspects. Sometimes I was just happy, sometimes just sad, sometimes just angry, and sometimes I simply felt nothing. I never acted like any other kid because of this condition, and it's not like it got any better anytime soon. My fragments over time did develop their new original traits, so it began to be more obvious that I switched personalities. There were times in which some kids liked me better at some times than others. I didn't understand it at the time, but looking back, it's because some of my personalities got along with them while others didn't. That's how I perceive it, anyway.

My current psychologist has told me that likely, my alters(since they were no longer fragments) have in some way faded back into one single personality, and that's what I am now. Though, that's not my last experience with plurality.

When I was really, really big into the MLP fandom, I would imagine my own conversations with canon characters, primarily Fluttershy, but others in addition as well. What I didn't realize at the time is that this is a good way to generate a tulpa. I didn't realize my MLP characters were tulpae at the time, and I wouldn't until after they faded away. They were definitely nice to talk to since I was starting in online school at the time and didn't have anyone to talk to, but the downside is that they tended to keep me up late into the night.

A while after I found out about being trans, I got frantic about passing for cis, so I learned how to purposely create a tulpa. The tulpa I created was a guy, who went by what is now considered my dead name, and we won't be using that name here for personal reasons, instead, I'll simple call this tulpa AARGH. AARGH was honestly a really good person, and he became one of my best friends. The problem with AARGH was that he had a more hands on approach to my problems than I needed. His thinking was that I would be way happier just existing in the headspace while he fronted, which was nowhere near what I wanted. I would feel even more trapped like that than I normally do. One night I ended up crying myself to sleep because I pushed him out of my thoughts, and hoped I never had to fight him again. He wasn't gone after that, he was still here up until recently, when he fronted to make sure my friends were supporting me before saying he was sorry and fading away of his own volition.

During my worst fight with AARGH, my current systemmate formed. She's not a tulpa, she's not an alter, nor a fragment, facet, or fractal. We don't really know what she is specifically aside from either an endogenic(meaning naturaly formed) or traumagenic systemmate, but she's a really, really good friend. Anyway, when we met(I don't like saying she formed or anything like that, so we say that we met) she was afraid I would hate her, because of how afraid of AARGH I was at the time. She stayed silent for around two whole years before she discovered she had a kind of perception blocking she could use on me. She created her first Discord account and began to go by a name: Satomi. Satomi befriended me on a server I don't even remember at this point, and I became extremely close with her. She began to feel like I needed her though, and she didn't want to feel needed by me. She disappeared for about six months after. To her dismay, I didn't stop thinking about her. She sent me one last message, posing as her make-believe brother, claiming that she had killed herself. That didn't keep me from thinking of her, but she waited for over nine months to see if I ever would. She created a new Discord account, since she deleted the previous one and got in contact with a mutual friend who reunited us at long last. She told me she had run away from her abusive home and left a fake suicide note. It wasn't until a couple weeks afterwards that she actually told me that she's my systemmate. At first she thought she was a tulpa, but we did research and learned that tulpae don't really work like she does. But out of my experiences with systemmates, Satomi has been the best one, and I don't want her to fade away anytime soon. She even mothers me quite a bit.

Report SprocketProductions · 310 views · #plurality #story time

Comments ( 2 )