• Member Since 6th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen Apr 1st, 2019

SprocketProductions


Creativity in its purest form is self-expression. I choose to try to express myself in everything I do.

More Blog Posts36

  • 94 weeks
    Talking About My Issues

    I honestly do try to not talk about my personal issues much here, because what little I have actually talked about here has been seen as pandering, or attention seeking. I've realized that if I don't talk about my issues here, people won't really get why I am the way I am, and the same hate will continue whether I want it or not. So, here we go, time to talk about my issues.

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    0 comments · 115 views
  • 119 weeks
    My experiences with plurality

    Plurality is a phenomena where multiple personalities exist separately in a single mind. This can occur in multiple ways, whether through a tulpa, or split personalities. I've had my fair share of experiences with plurality, and would like to share them now. Be aware that this blog post will touch on some very heavy subjects which not everyone will be able to take. If you are sensitive to

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    2 comments · 135 views
  • 119 weeks
    I'm so happy to see you all again!

    Okay, aside from internal crises about whether or not I should delete stories, I have a lot to talk about since I was last active on the site. there's so much to tell you guys that I'm having trouble even starting! Oh my goodness, where should I start?

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    0 comments · 111 views
  • 119 weeks
    Considering deleting Aria

    I realize how many people who enjoy my writing are here because of "Aria" in specific, but there's honestly so much drama surrounding it, and I don't know if I should keep it up or not. I'm not going to take it down at least until I'm more well into writing "In My Head," but I just feel like because of the better story, "Aria" doesn't really have a place anymore. It's not that I don't want people

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    9 comments · 154 views
  • 144 weeks
    In My Head: Chapter 3

    I don't know what the next chapter of In My Head is going to be like. What I was previously trying to do with it wasn't working. It seemed more like simple message fiction, which lately, I very much don't enjoy writing, as it doesn't make people enjoy reading it. I may take a break before retrying on it, I may not. I haven't really decided yet. But, do look forward to marginally more activity

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    1 comments · 142 views
Oct
24th
2018

Talking About My Issues · 3:24pm Oct 24th, 2018

I honestly do try to not talk about my personal issues much here, because what little I have actually talked about here has been seen as pandering, or attention seeking. I've realized that if I don't talk about my issues here, people won't really get why I am the way I am, and the same hate will continue whether I want it or not. So, here we go, time to talk about my issues.

Seeing as I don't have an actual income right now, I can't exactly officially afford my own therapist, and if I applied for social aid, I would never hear the end of it from my family(doesn't mean I'm not going to, I just want to be on my own when I do) so I don't currently pay for a therapist. That being said, the mother of an old friend of mine from sixth grade is a therapist, and she offers what she can with confidentiality. I am getting unofficial help from an officially certified therapist who wishes to remain anonymous as I refer to her, so I'll not state her name or information.

I'm unofficially diagnosed with chronic depression. I have a lot of depressive episodes in which I sometimes inadvertently make people feel bad about themselves due to an inability to help. Anyone who's witnessed one of my episodes knows that I have a crushing feeling of hopelessness and futility, and I seem to edge on being actively suicidal. Of course, I never know that I'm having an episode when it happens, it honestly feels justified, like there's a reason that I'm feeling hopeless and self-loathing. My therapist tells me that it could possibly be a symptom of my gender dysphoria, but that a transition won't completely solve it, just make it easier to bear.

My therapist believes me to have childhood PTSD, as I do get flashbacks to traumatic childhood memories upon a trigger. I'm not going to ever straight up tell people that I'm "triggered," but if there's an issue, I'll mention having flashbacks. I used to be physically abused before Child Protective Services got involved in my parents' and my life. At the drop of a hat, the moment I did anything that didn't directly correspond to what my parents thought my behavior should be, I was spanked until I was numb. It came to a head when one day, I showed up to daycare with a bruised and bloodied butt which I didn't want to sit down on. After the state decided it was okay for me to go back home, they switched from physical abuse to emotional abuse, which while also gave me more flashbacks, caused a number of other issues.

While my therapist hasn't really diagnosed me with anything relating to this, she observes that I have severe attachment issues. In a friendship or relationship, I seem to get extremely attached to people and am generally crushed emotionally when people leave me. Though what else she observes, which is a positive trait, is that I don't seem to push friends away. I have my bad moods, of course, everyone does, but it appears that I'm probably not borderline. She does seem to still be considering the possibility though, so it's not that I'm definitely not borderline, just a probably.

I feel like a pretty well known one of my problems is gender dysphoria. Everyone reading this who's read some of my stories probably knows that I experience gender dysphoria. Some do, however, believe that I'm faking it. I understand how a different person's experiences with the same issue can come across as unbelievable at times, but my therapist agrees that I do indeed have gender dysphoria and require a transition to solve it. Even after this, I'm aware that some of you aren't going to believe me, you're going to tell me that I don't really have a therapist, that I'm making all this up, but that kind of response is inconsequential to me at this point.

If you're going to berate me for talking about my issues online in this manner, so be it. I really don't care if you think it's fake at this point. It doesn't matter to me. Just know that I sought out a certified therapist for help because I'm trying to become a more mentally healthy, and better person in general. (not that being mentally ill makes you a bad person, that's not at all what I'm saying, and I'm sorry if that came across that way.) That all being said, I've talked about my issues, and I'm confident that more people might understand why I'm the way I am. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, I'll answer them to the best of my abilities as long as it maintains the confidentiality of my therapist. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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