Talking About My Issues

I honestly do try to not talk about my personal issues much here, because what little I have actually talked about here has been seen as pandering, or attention seeking. I've realized that if I don't talk about my issues here, people won't really get why I am the way I am, and the same hate will continue whether I want it or not. So, here we go, time to talk about my issues.

Seeing as I don't have an actual income right now, I can't exactly officially afford my own therapist, and if I applied for social aid, I would never hear the end of it from my family(doesn't mean I'm not going to, I just want to be on my own when I do) so I don't currently pay for a therapist. That being said, the mother of an old friend of mine from sixth grade is a therapist, and she offers what she can with confidentiality. I am getting unofficial help from an officially certified therapist who wishes to remain anonymous as I refer to her, so I'll not state her name or information.

I'm unofficially diagnosed with chronic depression. I have a lot of depressive episodes in which I sometimes inadvertently make people feel bad about themselves due to an inability to help. Anyone who's witnessed one of my episodes knows that I have a crushing feeling of hopelessness and futility, and I seem to edge on being actively suicidal. Of course, I never know that I'm having an episode when it happens, it honestly feels justified, like there's a reason that I'm feeling hopeless and self-loathing. My therapist tells me that it could possibly be a symptom of my gender dysphoria, but that a transition won't completely solve it, just make it easier to bear.

My therapist believes me to have childhood PTSD, as I do get flashbacks to traumatic childhood memories upon a trigger. I'm not going to ever straight up tell people that I'm "triggered," but if there's an issue, I'll mention having flashbacks. I used to be physically abused before Child Protective Services got involved in my parents' and my life. At the drop of a hat, the moment I did anything that didn't directly correspond to what my parents thought my behavior should be, I was spanked until I was numb. It came to a head when one day, I showed up to daycare with a bruised and bloodied butt which I didn't want to sit down on. After the state decided it was okay for me to go back home, they switched from physical abuse to emotional abuse, which while also gave me more flashbacks, caused a number of other issues.

While my therapist hasn't really diagnosed me with anything relating to this, she observes that I have severe attachment issues. In a friendship or relationship, I seem to get extremely attached to people and am generally crushed emotionally when people leave me. Though what else she observes, which is a positive trait, is that I don't seem to push friends away. I have my bad moods, of course, everyone does, but it appears that I'm probably not borderline. She does seem to still be considering the possibility though, so it's not that I'm definitely not borderline, just a probably.

I feel like a pretty well known one of my problems is gender dysphoria. Everyone reading this who's read some of my stories probably knows that I experience gender dysphoria. Some do, however, believe that I'm faking it. I understand how a different person's experiences with the same issue can come across as unbelievable at times, but my therapist agrees that I do indeed have gender dysphoria and require a transition to solve it. Even after this, I'm aware that some of you aren't going to believe me, you're going to tell me that I don't really have a therapist, that I'm making all this up, but that kind of response is inconsequential to me at this point.

If you're going to berate me for talking about my issues online in this manner, so be it. I really don't care if you think it's fake at this point. It doesn't matter to me. Just know that I sought out a certified therapist for help because I'm trying to become a more mentally healthy, and better person in general. (not that being mentally ill makes you a bad person, that's not at all what I'm saying, and I'm sorry if that came across that way.) That all being said, I've talked about my issues, and I'm confident that more people might understand why I'm the way I am. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, I'll answer them to the best of my abilities as long as it maintains the confidentiality of my therapist. Thank you for taking the time to read this.