Death Wish (2018) · 8:09pm Mar 27th, 2018
So one day I was minding my own business when one of my co-workers tells me I've changed. The co-worker tells me I'm obviously depressed. That I'm just dragging through the day. Other people start telling me this stuff too. They say things like, "You're not interested in ... fill in whatever it was I was apparently interested here,"or, "You don't care about things anymore."
The thing is these particular individuals don't offer any real helpful commentary they just like to point it out.I get the feeling that if they saw two cars collide they'd pull up and say, "That was a car accident," then move on.However, when I'm faced with this commentary I ask other people, you know the one or two I talk with regularly not under florescent lighting, "Am I depressed?"They tell me they don't know.
So that's when you have to dig deep. You know, like really analyze yourself and read those books. Maybe you see someone or a few of them and just really get to the bottom of it. So, I talked with Johnny Walker and his brothers Black and Red. We consulted one another and came up with this analysis:
Slap my duodenum and call me Dr. Feelgood because I'm not depressed. Tired, absolutely. They'd be tired too if they were doing everybody's jobs on approximately four hours of sleep before and after being sick for an extended period of time. They'd have a lack of interest in things if the main thing they have to do is get through the day because depending on the day and who's working more than half of the department is going to screw up their jobs and have it fall to me to fix.
When I get off work I go home and feed the cats. Then I feed myself. I play some games or watch some TV and take care of household stuff. Occasionally I start a story save it and go on my merry way flailing in the breeze like Don Quixote's magnificent sash before going to bed and doing it all over again on the same amount of sleep.
Fortunately for me someone competent has shown up in my department now.It helps a little. I've gotten multiple days off in a row so I sleep in a little. It helps. I can't imagine what it's like to be a paramedic and be on call for 72 straight hours let alone a surgeon.
That's my segue and I'm sticking to it.
In a world of remakes, reimaginings and the constant scream of reeeeeeeeeeee that echoes across the internet one man decided he'd star in a remake that wasn't boring or poorly executed. One man would rise above the rest and deliver justice that the world hasn't seen in years. That man is Michael Keaton and the movie was Batman. This movie however is Death Wish and the man is Bruce Willis.
In this movie he plays Paul Kersey,is a surgeon who turns to vigilantism when his wife and daughter are attacked during a break-in. The former dies while the daughter remains in the hospital in a coma. Through his actions against various bad guys he dishes out justice and eventually gets his revenge.
If that explanation sounds trite and ho-hum that's because the movie is both of those things. It's not Willis' fault or really any of the actors in this movie. Willis delivers his lines for the most part better than Bronson did. You could go down the list and say that the people in this movie for the most part read their lines fine.
The main problem with this movie is that it has no grit or personality. A large part of this has to do with the initial attack scene.When the wife and daughter are attacked by Jeff Goldblum and his hoods it's fairly intense. They use spray paint on the daughter and beat them with saps. They force themselves on the daughter and split. It's random, the attackers look scuzzy and they fit in with the world of the movie.
In the new movie the women are dumb enough to leave their windows unlocked (I don't care if you live on the north side of Chicago you don't leave your windows unlocked... it's friggin' Chicago). Then after the crooks, while one of themis admittedly creepy, rob the place they are pretty much about to split when all of a sudden the daughter decides to fight back. We cut to outside the house after a very brief struggle and get the sound of gun shots.Let me tell you ... when a Sally Field movie has more intensity in its attack scene you messed up.
After that indeterminate amounts of time pass as Kersey secures his weapon and goes out on the street, practices, trends on youtube and becomes the talk of DJs most of which take away from the movie overall. Periodically some random jackass also has an opinion, the cops make lame banter and by the time the movie ends the most typical of Hollywood garbage rolls out and the whole thing is much ado about nothing.
Death Wish is the type of revenge plot that needed real viscera. It needed grit and a reason to be.It needed to focus on the grief and rage of a husband and father who decides to go out and waste thugs who mean nothing but misery to the city and to him.Instead the movie is a bland, neutered, antiseptic vehicle with a little gun play and way too many outward distractions. By the time its plodding ended I was reminded of why I haven't gone to the theater since October and haven't enjoyed one in the theater since Dunkirk.
The Stats:
13 dead bodies, 0 breasts, multiple shootings, one car head crushing, neck breaking, gratuitous internet how-to videos, gratuitous pastry talk, gratuitous DJ rambling.
Shout outs:
Vincent D'Onofrio as Frank Kersey as being the most convincing human in the movie.
Bruce Willis as Paul Kersey for squeezing out some tears in a scene and occasionally seeming to give a flip.
Kirby Bliss Blanton as Bethany who is so damn perky as the girl at the gun store I'd get all my gun stuff from her.
Wow, no Fu whatsoever in this one? Talk about a snoozer!
Wow indeed this does sound like a big disappointment.
EDIT:MLP The movie sounds better.
4826932
But.., Death wish is all about the almost suicide-fu!
Does Willis’ character at least get horribly injured each time he goes out like Bronson’s did? (Of course I mean the first one)
4827086
Not really. Spoilers for those who care: Before he goes total vigilante he gets beat up by two street toughs. Then on his first night he cuts his hand on his gun. Second time nothing happens to him and he's a white guy in the hood. Third time he gets into a gun fight but no big deal. Fourth time is at the garage ... nothing happens to him. Fifth time he goes to a club sort of gets winged but you wouldn't know it if you didn't see him close it up himself. Sixth time was at his home and he gets winged again but... They put some gauze on it and give him a sling and he just stays at home.
4826996
Well believe it or not the MLP movie IS better. Heck in some respects it's a better Death Wish movie. They didn't mute the event that sets everything in motion, a character gets burned to death by Spike, Another is blown away with stale desserts so that the pink frosting is like his blood. That doesn't mean it was a GOOD movie. I stand by saying it was a very forgettable and mediocre kids movie but it's better than this.
4826932
I technically could have said Bowling Ball Fu... but it was a cartoon prat fall where it rolls off of a shelf and hits a bad guy on the head. It happens once and I just kind of mouthed what at the screen. I guess it was a joke but ... man.