Hardware (1990) · 11:10am Jan 27th, 2022
Where have I been. I could attempt some yarn about how I was circling the drain or something overly dramatic full of the type of pseudo symbolism that the going through puberty set thinks is edgy and dark. In reality it's a lot of navel gazing and thinking you understand something more than you actually do or being overly disappointed when things don't work out because of a lack of experience, especially when it comes to nuance.
The reality is two fold. First, for those who have tried to message me, for some reason this site doesn't connect to my inbox anymore. I don't know why but I haven't gotten an email from here in months. I can assure you that I do respond when I know someone is trying to get hold of me. So, I am sorry for not saying anything back. Secondly, I just haven't had the will to write in a really long time.
It isn't writers block. That's when you want to write but can't come up with anything. I honestly just haven't wanted to write in a long time. Even if I put down something that tickles me I don't really care to keep going. So mostly I've spent my time doing a lot of obligatory stuff. Go to work, clean, say my hellos and goodbyes to people around me and handle the necessary holiday stuff. The most notable thing that has happened recently was that I've popped some tendons and such back into place which made it not painful to walk. This was a good thing. What I do for a job requires me to be on my feet for a lot of the time and so it would behoove me to stay mobile.
Truth be told I haven't even watched all that many movies or shows recently. I briefly watched Squid Game but about two thirds of the way through was tired of being right as to what was going to happen when and stopped. It wasn't that I hated it I just didn't care. The movies I did watch were things I'd seen before some worse than I remembered others exactly as I remembered them. That was when I thought to myself, "What about that one movie you saw when you were a kid that you really hated?"
I hadn't thought about it in years and truth be told I remember why I didn't like it as a kid. The question was now, as an adult did that dislike hold up? Was it truly bad or was it the fact that I'd expected more and got less? The movie I'm referring to is Hardware.
Hardware is a movie set in a post nuclear war world where resources are somewhat scarce, people are savage and civilization is teetering on the brink. The government is grappling with the idea of population control due to these issues. In the desert a lone nomad (Carl McCoy) finds the remains of a robot and heads to town. Meanwhile two men Moses and Shades (Dylan McDermott and John Lynch) are attempting to sell scrap and get home for Christmas. They meet said Nomad and buy his busted robot off of him. Moses thinks it will be a nice present for his girlfriend Jill (Stacey Travis).
Everything is okay for a bit. Well, that is until the smashed up robot decides to pull itself together and try to kill anybody it can get its metal hands on so long at it's in the apartment. It's up to the trio (mostly Jill) to try to kill the robot and maybe consider new lodging in the future.
As a kid I thought this was the worst movie I'd ever seen. Now that I'm older and have seen more movies way worse than this I can say it's a mixed bag. The setting is appropriate, the acting is decent for the most part (William Hootkins is creepy) and it has a lot of that post apocalyptic low budget kind of sort of cyberpunk style that kind of works especially with a budget of 1.5 million dollars. Even in 1990 that was a smaller budget especially for a sci-fi movie.
The problem with the movie (and child me was right) is the story and the method in which they kill the robot. Any machine that can be offed in the way this one was is not really a threat long term. If the words, "I'm melting! Melting...," conjure up a certain scene in a certain classic movie you also know how to beat the robot.
The movie's story is most effective in the first two thirds before falling off a cliff when the actions starts. Aside from the fact that literally everybody could have survived if they just left the apartment is an issue. Then there are parts that are just silly for no reason or just exist to frankly fill out a runtime don't help matters either.
In the end Hardware isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. It's got some good points and ideas. It's kind of interesting seeing just who all is in this thing and on the budget that the movie was set at. It's certainly not boring so honestly you could do a lot worse.
Dead Bodies: 5
Breasts: 4 1/2
1 scene of two people making the sign shooting the rodeo
1 blurry full frontal shot
Death by poison
Drill to the chest
Bullet to the Head
Bisection by Door
Eye Gouging
Wrist Slitting
Window Smashing
Shower Taking
Ritualistic Drug Taking
Nose Licking
Gratuitous red coffee making
Gratuitous Dancing Reindeer
Gratuitous Pet Spider
Lemmy
Sand Fu
Gun Fu
Saw Fu
Fire Fu
Shout outs
William Hootkins as Lincoln Weinber Jr. a pervert ... possibly more ... who is obsessed with Jill and has a "wibbly wobbly" song for her.
Dylan McDermott as Moses in a fairly one note boyfriend role who does shotgun the heck out of the robot.
John Lynch as Shades for the line "My heart ... feels like an aligator."
Stacey Travis as Jill for being set on fire and thrown through glass and still making it to the third reel.
Check it out.
I remember seeing that movie as well when I was a kid. A lot of people have praised it but to me I mostly forgot it five minutes after the credits rolled. It left almost no impact on me good or bad which in a way is worst.
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I agree. To have no impact yay or nay is probably a worse fate.