Turnabout Storm - Parts 19 and 20 Updated · 4:36pm Mar 11th, 2018
Aside from the usual edits and dialogue/detail additions, I made two major changes: first, I dropped Pinkie’s fourth wall break when she told Phoenix to go to Fluttershy’s cottage based on what was in the script, since I don’t want to imply this story isn’t really happening, replacing it with a different Pinkie-sense based explanation. Second, I changed Pinkie’s reason for missing the trial to something a bit more acceptable and much more in keeping with her character.
Excerpt follows:
“You know, Pinkie, you still haven’t told me… how did you manage to miss the trial this morning?” he asked her, rubbing his scalp beneath his hair, feeling the lump from where the book had hit him starting to recede as well. He gave the medicine bottle a final glance before placing them in one of his pants pockets. Wonder if it’d be okay to take these back home with me…?
“I was making donuts!” Pinkie replied brightly, without a hint of shame or regret.
Phoenix fell silent. “That’s it?”
“Yep-yep! Is something wrong with that?” Pinkie asked, hopping up on the bench beside him and giving him a curious look while tilting her head to the side.
“No, I guess I was just expecting a better reason than that…” he said truthfully, resting on the bench for a moment before deciding on his next move.
To his surprise, she gave him an explanation that made perfect sense. “I know Dashie needed me, but so did the Cakes! Mrs. Cake is pregnant, so she has to take it easy, but with so many racers, fans and construction crews in town for the Equestrian 500, there’s a lot of catering orders to be filled and huge breakfast crowds at Sugar Cube Corner! With all that additional business, the Cakes are hoping to make enough money to finish their new nursery, so of course I’m going to pitch in and help them in any way I can!” Pinkie proclaimed, with a huge smile to match her outgoing personality. “I mean, they not only give me room and board, but let me bake all the sweets I like for them! So how could I not help out when they need me the most?”
Phoenix studied her for a moment, starting to think that perhaps the hyperactive pink pony wasn’t so bad after all. “That says a lot about you, Pinkie Pie. I thought you were a bit annoying at first, but I can see now that you’re not only a good friend but, uh…” the human lawyer paused, trying to find the right words. “A free spirit! Your heart’s definitely in the right place. You remind me a lot of a girl I know,” he told her with an almost wistful grin.
“A girl? Who?” Pinkie asked in perfect earnestness.
“My assistant,” he answered easily, thinking Pinkie and Maya would get along swimmingly. “She’s full of energy and completely unpredictable, yet she’s also unfailingly upbeat and always there with an encouraging word or pick-me-up when you need one most… just like you!” He favored her with a smile.
Her cheeks turned a deeper pink. “Awwwww… that is so sweet! Thanks, Feenie!” she said with a fresh smile, surprising him with an affectionate and unmistakably equine nuzzle of his cheek.
More minor changes include once again toning down or removing certain adult overtones. Usual thanks go to my prereading crew of AJ_Aficionado, Silentwoodfire and Denim_Blue. As I’m shortly going to be laid up following foot surgery, I’ll have more time to write. Until then, give the updated chapters a look.
Even though the change this would be more in keeping with Pinkie's character, isn't this still supposed to be a novelization of the video first and foremost?
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If you’d asked me a couple years ago, I’d’ve said yes. I took very great pains to keep all the original lines even as I added to them. But now? I look at especially the earlier video parts, and find the dialogue incredibly stilted and not-in-character in too many places. So yes, I’m changing them in places. The objective now is to make this the best story possible and fix any and all issues I find, whether they’re ones the original videos had or ones I introduced myself later. For the former, that means stilted dialog corrected and characters acting more in-character, as well as plugging certain plot holes. For the latter, that means the early shipping gets toned down and gets introduced far more gradually and naturally, I address the severe case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome I had back then (or violet unicorn syndrome in my case), and add more foreshadowing and forward references to the later parts of the story and its sequel, The Lawyer and The Unicorn.