Life Story and Final Pleas/Words · 6:21am Jan 28th, 2018
You know what, I've been thinking of this for a long while, and here's my conclusion - Sod it.
In the most serious form I can offer this blog's purpose, I have to say that I've had constant dreams in my life where I'm featured as dead. Worst yet, I keep having strange feelings that something will happen soon, yet I'm not sure what, when or why.
Remember that dream I had that I've had at least three times? The one where I'm dead on the floor in the summerhouse in my back garden, guitar by my side and gunshot wound through my head with a pistol still in my hand from my muscles stiffening?
I used to sit myself down almost every single day every week with my pistol and put it inside my mouth, safety off. To be honest, there were no bullets loaded into the gun, so it was perfectly safe. With that aside, I can actually imagine myself doing it.
I felt disturbed earlier when I read some of my journal entries from the ninth month of 2017, and just from looking at them, I even surprised myself with what I wrote. All the self-hate, the anger, random and terrible thoughts that hint very strongly towards self-destruction. I'll admit, I've pretty much done it all.
No, I've not even considered suicide for quite a long time, but I keep having visions and dreams about it sometimes during the week. It was always me, my guitar, dark thoughts, sadness and to top it all off, death.
I was dead and gone.
Let's be honest here - My name is FireRain on this site, and I come off as a generally upbeat and happy type of guy most of the time, but in reality, my name is Dan Ribe and I constantly have to deal with pain and discrimination. All I've ever been is mooched off of, stabbed by my own cousin (literally, with a pen), laughed at, physically and mentally abused, left on my own at times, had nobody to relate to, and what I consider to be the most horrible, unwanted.
I feel like I'm not really wanted in my own family because of that thing in November, and ever since then, it's all been very different. Everyone is mostly quiet around me, they call me stupid, they about me behind my back, they don't appreciate me, they don't like me, etcetera.
Honestly, the people I live with are just mentally annoying and degrading to me as a person when all I want is to feel at least respected and wanted, but from a young age, I've never really been wanted by my family.
And you know what? I'll tell you the truth about it right now. When I was younger, my mother actually left me, my brother and father on our own. I don't expect you to know what it's like and I really hope you don't ever find out in your lifetime, but I'll tell you that it's horrible. Because of it all, my grandmother and grandfather took me and my brother in.
I lived with them for almost half of my life and they practically raised me. I spent more time at their house than my Dad's because she was the mother I never had. To this very day, me and my grandmother have the closest relationship I can imagine.
That's when that spiteful step-mother of mine came in. True, she may have done some things here and there, but when I look at her, I can just see that she's only doing it because she has to. For that reason, I dislike her.
Life just got worse and worse and I fell into deep depression.
Ever since then, I've always had the sensation of being unwanted in a family. I had no family to go back to. I had nobody. I still don't.
What I did instead was be rebellious and crazy. I developed a bad attitude which I still have to this day. I didn't listen to anyone, I broke things, I took my anger out on others and said quite a lot of things I couldn't take back. I simply didn't care or give a toss about anything. To me, the whole world can kiss my arse.
You want to know what else I went through when secondary school rolled around, which was the worst time of my entire school life?
I've been assaulted, bullied constantly, ignored by people I thought were friends, nobody talked to me, I've been sexually assaulted on quite a number of occasions, I've been harrassed, name-called, insulted, the list goes on! People have even gone as far to torment me in and out of school. Some of said people even tried to murder me more than twice!
Some arsecake thought it'd be a great laugh to try and run me over with his motorbike when me and my older brother were walking home when school ended. Even when I was walking across a road and somebody in a car clearly saw me, they didn't stop. If I didn't cross to the other side within the span of about a second, the bastard would have actually hit me as he was going well over the limit!
To top that incident off, the passenger in the car actually put himself out of the window and shout at me, ''You fat fuck!''
I actually just laughed at that and said ''Fuck off, you chavvy cunt.''
So, you know what, I don't think it should come as a surprise that I've got some issues and I've contemplated death and suicide at some points of my life. I still think about it. Actually, not even a couple days ago, I was thinking about jumping in front of the train outside of my college as it went by when I was crossing the bridge.
I've thought about slashing my own throat open, shooting myself, drinking until I get alcohol poisoning and then I die from it. I've even considered using drugs like cannabis or heroin. There was even a point during last year when I looked up how many pills or paracetamol it would take to kill a person because I was curious on how many I'd have to take if I wanted to end it.
Any family you might talk to will have paracetamol in their home because of how common of a drug it is, so if I ever wanted to, it would be more than easy to end it all.
Right, most of that stuff was something I never wanted to say, and if you actually do care about me, whether you may know me or not, or if you can emphasise with me, I still hate to ask for help, despite knowing that I need it.
All I've ever wanted was my family to talk to, but they would never listen to me in the slightest. I know you are all general people out there in the world, wherever you may be, but in this situation, I'm afraid that you're the closest thing to family that I have. We've got one of the biggest fandoms in the world and like quite a lot of you have done over the years, we watch out for each other.
I'm fearing quite badly over dying one of these days, and the hardest thing for me to even say (or write) is that I doubt anybody out there really does care if I do or not.
Hey try to calm yourself man. Suicide and death is something not to partake in. A lot of us here including myself have thought about suicide on multiple occasions but were able to hold back. Your biological family sound like garbage (except your grandparents cause they sound amazing) but that doesn't mean your brothers and sisters in this fandom don't like you. Sure there are the ones out here that give off more "colorful" approaches to stories and videos but families bicker. It's a commodity.
Look. I'm not gonna sugercoat it. Don't kill yourself man. You got people who care. Hell I may be halfway around the fucking world right now (and probably sleepimg to be honest) but I still care. And not only me but others here as well.
Why don't you try seeing a doctor or a therapist to help ypu with your nightmares. Maybe that will help.
Dan, I won't pretend to know what you're feeling. I won't pretend that I can ever completely comprehend your pain. But I can recognize it, and I can understand.
Just like you, I've reached dark places in my life. I have sunk into the darkest depths that might have led to death had I chosen to follow such a path. But instead I chose to listen to those who truly showed me that they loved me, and I stick around for their sake.
Your gestures of friendship have made a deep impact on my life, and helped me be proud of myself. No matter what lies of uselessness are transferred through the pain, you have an impact. You are needed.
I know we don't talk much, but you'd better believe I'm completely and wholly sincere when I say that I love you like you were my own brother.
Stick around, Dan. I'll always be here as I can if you want to talk.
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You know something, Amethyst, it's people like both you and me that inspired me to keep on living and doing what I love to do the most. Not only a couple of days ago, I wrote a poem on my typewriter that explains quite a lot of my emotions.
Two of the lines are,
Like you, I too am a person of few words, but to see that you obviously care that much, even thinking of me as a non-biological brother, is actually quite lovely, for lack of a better word. Wub ya too, Cap'n!
Also, I don't really want anyone to worry about me or to fret over how bad I might be feeling at any given time. I've not been so bad these past couple or so weeks, plus I've been feelings miles better. Less thoughts of killing myself, no more attempts at drinking myself until I'm drunk as a skunk and twice as smelly, and I'm even making jokes out of practically everything I can!
F it, I'm stayin' right where I belong - here and on this planet as a writer, poet and musician! As long as I'm around, I got your back!
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Ha, yeah, my grandparents are quite amazing. They pretty much raised me as their own when I was still in my pre-teens and even past then. Ever since I moved in and got used to the family life at her house and learning about both of my grandparents and the great grandparents I never met from both sides of the family, we became what I like to refer to as 'a living circus'!
As for my nightmares, they are nowhere near as bad as before, but they do happen every so often. It's mostly when I don't want them or when I try not to think about them before I sleep, but can't help it.
I have considered either seeing a doctor, therapist or counsellor, but I doubt I could afford that kind of help. Even if I could, I probably wouldn't seek them out and ask for their advice.
In a strange sense, although I've nearly had heart attacks from some of the dreams I've experienced, no matter how much they might terrify me, they always give me some much-needed inspiration for horror stories when I most want something to write. It isn't without its flaws, however. Believe me, there are a lot of them.
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Glad to have you around.
The only thing I can say is try and stay strong and do not give up on life.