I have no idea what to do with myself

I'm not sure if there is anything anyone can do but I feel I might as well say something somewhere

I have not really been happy for about 5 years or so (though really I was never a really a happy child), Ever since I started high school through I have had a drastic emotional downturn being alone and really having no one to connect too really took a toll on me,through I always felt that after I was done with High school I would be happier and be better focused on my goals of being a good artist....but this has not happened the past few months and now it has gotten worse since new years and the thought of being 19, and then 20, etc and the same for my family Its just hard to think about these things and it heavily depress me out and now....I feel extremely numb but still, crave contact with others since I'm just so tired of being alone....

Also, I hate this lack of motivation is because I actually have goals which are to be a better artist/writer and get all my favorite pairings out there and have a simple job and house/apartment that's about it through my mind I think hates that idea and keeps telling me "I need to do more with myself anId I'm being selfish with my life " when I don't see the point why and I think I would be happy with a simple life and a few friends, my overactive mind is truly my greatest Strength and Greatest Weakest because while it makes me quite creative it makes me doubt everyone,and everthing I believe (and also makes me scared of looking for work) and makes me see the worst in others when I don't want too and also makes me feel bad when people I talk to just dissapper for a long time without telling why and I start feeling like maybe I did something wrong so really talking to people is really all I got right now in my life since I'm barely writing and drawing anymore cause I think they suck and won't even get to where I want too and I feel I will never figure out how exactly I wanna do it.

also here is my biggest problem right now.....my lack of interest and the fact I can barely feel anything like literally, I can't feel things even with things I like, everything just feels really hallow to me now,though I have also come to find out I can still feel things like Hatred, Envy, and self-criticism,and I think its been like this before I even figured out it was and I don't know but I just want it to stop, I want this empty feeling to go away....I'm just so sick of it and don't want my only form of feeling to just come from my hatred of others and desire to "out do them"

sorry if this didn't make a lot of sense I just wanted to get my feelings (or lack thereof) out and I wasn't really sure how since my mind isn't working well right now I really just don't know what to do anymore.