Venting Blog number 5003 · 8:17pm Oct 25th, 2017
Lately I've been having a lot of nightmares on a near daily basis. It feels as though my overall anxiety throughout the day is lowered, but around when I go to sleep and my mind does it's own thing my stress and depression catch up with me and attack me in the place that used to be where I was able to escape all those awful feelings. Last night I had a dream that my step dad stole a bong of all things from me (I've never used a bong) and hid it by eating it and mocking me openly. I remember this overwhelming sensation of powerlessness and humiliation because I couldn't stop crying. I also remember him saying he didn't actually eat it but hid it up his nose for some reason.
A couple nights before that I had a dream about murdering several families. I don't remember if it was an accident or on purpose I just remember this overwhelming dread about going to jail and having to cover it up and feeling as though my life was ruined. I'm not sure what the dream conveys, really. I've never been one to put much stock in dreams meaning anything. I just remember how they make me feel and the relief I have when I wake up and none of it is true.
In my waking life I feel really unmotivated lately. My room is starting to empty itself as I pack up more and more things to move in with my boyfriend in a few weeks and it feels like I'm stripping away everything I did to make this place my own. All my posters are down and my video games and dvd collection are packed up. The only real thing I need to put in boxes right now are clothes which I'm saving for as late as possible since I don't want to run out. I have fears about the move and finding a job and my depression. Pretty much the only thing keeping me from backing out sometimes is remembering how much I love my boyfriend and anything'll be worth it to live with him. I feel like if I was moving for myself I wouldn't do it, but because I'm moving to be with somebody I love I am.
Other than that my writing is really... nothing. I don't really have urges to write anymore. I tried writing something today and while the words came I only made about 700 words before i just stopped. I feel like it might be my medication demotivating me because I used to be fueled entirely on self hate, but I don't know.
I want to update a lot of stories and work on my book. The thing I tried to write earlier was more of my The Sole Reason story. It feels weird that when I want to write lately my mind goes to porn. Serious writing feels difficult; like I can't do it. Porn feels difficult as well but mostly because my medication is affecting me sexually lately.
Mostly I just feel like I'm waiting around for life to pick up. It's my boyfriend's birthday and I didn't really have cash to get him anything special, so I'm just hoping when he comes up we can have a good time together before we pack my stuff up and go to his home.
I don't really have much else to say. I just don't like the idea of people forgetting I exist so I post blogs when I haven't posted writing in a while.
Ask your doctor about some Prazosin, helped me out with nightmares
Dreamcatchers(made by real Native americans/Indians.) could help you out...trust me they've work wonders!