Life updates and where I'm at · 8:41pm Aug 27th, 2018
So, last Thrusday was my birthday. I finally turned twenty-one, and with that I realize it's almost been a full year since I moved across several states to be with my boyfriend, VClaw. This past year has had a lot of ups and downs, and if you follow V he's kept you up to date on most of it. I don't want to focus on much of that today. Right now I'd rather just focus on where I've been and what I've been up to.
Strangely enough I haven't given up writing, as many of you might think if you only care about my MLP content. For the past few months I've actually been taking a deep dive into my roots and writing fanfiction for a show I... honestly I haven't thought about for nearly a decade. One Piece. I don't think many people know this, but when I was about 11-13 I started writing One Piece fanfiction. In doing so, I actually discovered that I was gay given how I was writing characters. If you know anything about One Piece then you know a lot of the cast deals with oppression in various forms, and has to make a family out of those they're close to in order to be happy. That message, along with many of the characters struggling with self identity and wanting to chase dreams in a world that told them they were stupid really did resonate with me as a queer kid. Over the years I lost interest, but a few months ago I got inspired to dive back into that world. Not only have I taken the stupid commitment of re-watching the damn show, but I've also started writing a romance fanfiction on a different website. Shocking for me, I know. If any of you are curious I'll leave a link for it here!
There's actually been a lot on my mind in concerns to writing. Lately I haven't felt much motivation to work on personal, non fanfiction works. I've been working myself with commissions and minor side projects like the one mentioned above, but it's difficult to feel like I'm working towards something. Part of me has wanted to open up a Patreon, but I have this fear that nobody will donate. My boyfriend, VClaw, has been consistently more active on this site compared to me for a long time. My interests from MLP have long since faded, as I don't doubt many of you realize. I think I simply outgrew the show, even if I can still enjoy an episode here or there. I worry that because of this my fanbase is divided into many small subsections. I feel like finding out nobody would want to give me money on something like Patreon scares me enough because it means I'm really working towards nothing. I thought about posting some chapters of the manuscript I'd been working on there, but then I worry that nobody is interested in my own original ideas.
All and all, anxiety is kind of a bitch. It's difficult to keep focus a lot of the time on what I want to do. I've learned I'm a person who thrives far too much on the self assurance of others that my work is good because believing it for myself is impossible. Again, not something I've kept a secret. I do want to try harder, and to eventually stop feeling like I'm going nowhere. My biggest fear is rejection of something I've put my heart into. It's difficult to be objective about your own work. I've heard a saying once that when you're unhappy with your work, it just means that you aren't yet at the skill level you want to be to achieve your goals. I don't know if that saying applies to me, but I like to think it does. I don't think I ever stopped getting better, but it feels like it sometimes.
To try and end this on a happier and less sad note, I'd like to share with you a few rather upbeat song I've been listening to recently. It doesn't really connect to any of my work, but I'm a sucker for upbeat love songs.
And also, I really hate to be that bitch, but if I have one I might as well use it. I have a Ko-Fi now and if anybody wants to donate the link is below.
I guess the last thing I want to say is just thank you if you're still sticking with me. Feel free to actually comment something, as I'd like to make a bit of a change and converse with my 'fans' rather than just being a silent party like usual.
Also randomly I still use twitter in case like... anybody cares? I usually post vague political posts that I'm too stupid to understand the complexities of but I'm a bit more active there. Also I reblog a lot of cute furry stuff.
We all want to be loved, and as we get older, that desire to be loved just grows stronger. For some, it becomes bitterness as they realize the love they crave continues to be denied them. You're only 21 (I'm not saying this at all condescendingly, I promise), and have such a long, wonderful road ahead of you, ripe with potential and the opportunity to seize your joy. So far, you've started off well by finding your dear Vclaw.
I think it's wonderful that you started down the path to realization about who you really were and are at such a young age. I salute you because there are those of us who *are* older, quite a bit older, who have yet to find someone to love, and to be loved by that someone special. Those of us who didn't understand who we were, deep down, until much later in life because we were scared of what it meant. I grew up in a conservative religious household, and if I would have ever revealed any of the feelings I had in my heart, it would have been... unfortunate for me.
Still, it goes back to that we seek so much from those outside of ourselves. Whether it be love, acceptance, praise, critique, we want affirmation and approval. There are dark parts of ourselves that deny us the joy of knowing that we are worthy of love and kindness, and so we look elsewhere. It is said that to love someone you must first love yourself, but I understand how ridiculous that can seem when we are our harshest critics.
There is nothing at all wrong with seeking outside acceptance and affirmation. You have every right to seek out love, approval, and everything that makes your heart want to create, to grow, to build. These parts of ourselves are important, and don't ever let anyone tell you that you are selfish for wanting them, because we all want these things, to be loved, to be affirmed as good, as worthy.
I'm sorry, I've ranted. To get to my point, congratulations, I believe wonderful things lie ahead for you, and I believe you have the attitude, personality, and wisdom to follow your heart where it needs to take you. All of my best. :)
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It’s fine to rant a bit. Honestly these are mostly things I tell myself, but it’s like I have to trick my mind into thinking desiring these things are okay and not selfish in a way. I’m sure as hell better off than when I just self hated instead of reflected whenever those thoughts popped up.
4926803 - If you have to trick your mind, so be it. In an ideal world, our brains wouldn't turn on us and make us feel awful just for having natural human wants and needs, but it often does. Just remember that you are loved, you are worth being loved, and that no matter what happens, you deserve to be here. *hugs*