Review: "The Mist" has really MISSED the mark (lololol)

So yeah, not dead. Instead, annoyed. Annoyed that one of my favorite novels/movies ever is now getting dragged through the mud by the shlock-central known as Spike TV. So annoyed, in fact, that I'm gonna do a review of it. So here it is, my review/first impressions of the first three episodes of Spike TV's "The Mist".

For those of you who don't know, "The Mist" is a novella by Stephen King about a mysterious mist filled with deadly creatures enveloping a small town in Maine. The story is all about hope, the human condition, and how society can crumble at the fall of a hat.

In 2007, Frank Darabont released a film adaptation of "The Mist" starring Thomas Jane. And it. Was. AWESOME. Impressive effects! Scary monsters! Even scarier religious nuts! Not one, not two, but FIVE Walking Dead actors! And a completely new ending that is so gut-wrenching, so heartbreakingly dark, that Stephen King went on record saying that he wishes he thought of it first (he also threatened anyone who spoils the ending with death, so I'm not saying shit).

As you can probably tell, I'm utterly in love with "The Mist". The lore and the creatures are some of my favorites in the Stephen King mythos, and the movie adaptation had great performances and impressive visuals to boot. Not to mention that ending...holy FUCK it's still intense to this day.

Flash forward ten years later and I hear that Spike TV is doing a "Mist" series. Immediately red flags went up, as King's stories tend not to do so well when adapted to television, and...well, it's Spike TV. Still, I had hope, like in the original novella. Maybe this would be okay, right?

No, instead of being hopeful like in the original novella, my hopes were dashed and replaced with a swift kick to the balls, like the ending of the movie. Spike TV's adaptation of "The Mist" is so far shaping up to be an annoying, poorly-acted, uninteresting bore-fest filled with cliche characters, atrocious writing, and (as of this post) relatively cheap scares and gore that even Asylum would call tacky.

Here, I'll give you a rundown of the main characters:

1) The Amazing Cardboard White Male Lead.
2) The Amazing Cardboard White Female Lead
3) The Amazing Cardboard Black Male Lead
4) The "check your privilege cisgender scum" Male Lead
5) The Steubenville Rapist (no, not kidding)
6) Some bitch with a drug problem
7) A girl who's about as interesting as sandpaper

Oh, and Frances Conroy. She's about the only good thing in this series so far. Why? Because she's Frances fucking Conroy.

Honestly, it's not good...but it's only been three episodes. If there's anything that the original "Mist" novella taught me (and what the movie hammered into my skull) it's to never give up hope. So I'm hopeful that this show can turn itself around. There have been one or two moments that I thought were kinda cool, and the acting and writing has improved somewhat by Episode 3. But to everyone else, ESPECIALLY hardcore King and Darabont fans, I'd give this one a wide berth. I'll take "Andrea & Dale Kill Monsters while the Punisher and Zola shoot Marcia Gay Harden" over "Dawson's Mist" any day.