Review: Seeing the Pattern · 11:26pm Oct 7th, 2012
Tags: Dark, AU
One thing that will forever baffle me is how some stories garner fame while others fall by the way-side. Is it the author themselves, bringing a large following with them when they begin to write ponyfic? Is it a testament to the author’s skill in story-crafting? Have they written a story that is, for all intents and purposes, a unique diamond in the rough that everyone must read if only because no one else has done such a thing? Or is it just pure blind luck which flies in the face of reason?
Aegis Shield’s Seeing the Pattern is a combination of those last two. It is not well-written and poorly thought-out. I cannot, however, say if Aegis brought viewers with him from elsewhere. I simply don’t know.
Well, let’s jump into this.
The Good
Like I said above, the story is fairly unique. It is refreshing to have a story where Pinkamena, as opposed to Pinkie, is portrayed as an asocial brooder rather than a cold-blooded murderer. And hey, she even spends the story saving lives instead of taking them. It was a little dubious having both Pinkie and Pinkamena be a split personality, but it does make the story work, to a degree.
The Bad
The writing is subpar. Here, I’ll just quote a few passages and point out what I think is wrong with them.
Tucking herself in with a wide smile, she pulled the little chain on her lamp. Click. Darkness. It was 8:45pm.
Running a comb only briefly through her straightened mane, she set it down with a harsh click. Reaching over, behind the vanity mirror’s drawers, she pressed a hidden button. Bzzt.
Don’t see it? Click. Bzzt. Were these really necessary? I think everyone reading the story (since we all need a computer/kindle/smartphone to do so) already knows what a light switch sounds like, or a button being depressed. I have nothing wrong with onomatopoeia, but it has to be used at a proper time. And here, it just jars the reader out of the story and reminding them that they are, in fact, reading a story. It breaks the illusion.
Pinkie Pie would wake the next morning, wondering why the party cannon was pointing in the opposite way she’d left it, and why she had traces of soot in her coat. Oh well. Time to make cupcakes!
She lost her head entirely and flung herself upon her limp marefriend, weeping. (Bon-Bon would wake hours later with a tear-streaked pelt and tons of kisses upon her face. Much lovemaking would be had that night.)
The glass squeeeeeeaked as he was pressed to one side until he grunted onto his back on the sidewalk with her atop him. Her mane hung down like a curtain over his face, and his burly moans pleased her. The hot, sloppy sounds of their kissing was loud and erotic. He was all hers to do with as she pleased, the poor sucker.
I cannot read any of these lines without laughing. Not because they’re intentionally funny, though. They’re just so bad! So awkwardly phrased and worded. It’s like Aegis was writing down whatever came to him and never bothered to edit it or touch it up.
She got several orders of fries, salted them down, and then put a big blob of ketchup on her plate. It was ironic because fries were made with salt, she’d put salt on them, and there was salt in the ketchup.
Irony: the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning;
a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated;
(especially in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., especially as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
I thought about this for a long time. I cannot figure out in what sense Aegis used ‘ironic’ here. Not even Socratic Irony or Dramatic Irony fits.
The rest of that night was salt, sweat, and quiet shrieking. But even while her magnificent stallion was moving furiously within her, Pinkamina could not help but have the itchy-twitchy feeling that the next death in Ponyville might be her own.
Hahahahahahaha! OK, in all seriousness, the foreshadowing would have been better without Aegis all-but-explicitly telling us that Pinkie’s the next one to die.
Also, regarding how quickly the two’s romance picked up, all I have to say is: That Escalated Quickly.
Something warm and hard was pressed up against her back… The barrel-chest of a stallion, you pervert, not THAT.
Getting tackled through a window hadn’t agreed with him, despite the ‘healing’ last night Pinkamina had helped him with (the tweezers, pervert, not that).
She ran through an explanation about the split personalities. I shall not bore my dear reader with repeated information.
Oh. Talking directly to the reader. Yeah, that’s not disillusioning at all. [/sarcasm] Outside of comedies, this should only be done as a giant twist to the reader. Or as a Lemony Narrator. But since that usually falls under comedy as well…
Secondly, nothing like a little rape worriment in the middle of this story about preventing death. Also, wouldn’t Pinkamena have realized that this exact scenariowould occur? She’s shown to be a cold calculating creature, not one who bows to her every whim.
“Mhmhm, it’s me. Promise.” Lickity Split said, leaning and rather romantically chewing on one of her ears. He may as well have pulled the string on a party popper. Pinkie Pie hit the ceiling with a screech of terror, bounced across the room like a super ball, then VANISHED into her own mirror like it was made of water! Lickity sat bolt up, staring in confusion. He shuddered at the lack of mare in the room, looking back and forth.
Pinkie Pie suddenly POPPED up in the mirror again, this time with her party cannon on her shoulder like a bazooka. “What’choo-doing-in-my-room?!” she demanded so quickly he could barely understand her. “Speak-or-be-cannon’d!” it was like a high pitched typewriter and it sent his ears into a confused panic.
More of a personal issue here, but what’s with the oddly capitalized words? I get that Aegis is trying to place emphasis on them, but it’s just odd. What is so important about these words that they demand our attention? ‘Vanished’ I can sorta understand, considering how unusual it is to have even Pinkie disappear into her mirror, but why ‘popped’? I just can’t fathom how this aids the story.
An arc of black magic exploded from Princess Luna’s horn, possessing Pinkamina’s body. She was lifted into the air in a twisting, writhing mess of flailing hooves. A thousand needles of ethereal pain formed in the air around her, each taking its turn to pierce her body one way or the other. They passed through her like fire, none of them leaving a mark. Her screams would give the citizen’s of Ponyville nightmares for weeks. When the thousand needles were through they formed a sphere of dark energy around her, concussed her like a cannon shot to the head. The spell sent bolts of punishment across her body, seizing her muscles as she screamed and writhed. Then, it slammed her into the ground. A ring of dust rushed away from her when she impacted and her stringy mane slowly settled over her face. She was limp. Dead.
Pinkie Pie just died. Why am I not emotionally moved? Oh, right. I saw it coming from two chapters ago. It’s not surprising. Completely expected. And written in such a dry, emotionless way. It’s death! Death is huge! And yet here it’s almost glossed over. Furthermore, do trials not exist in Equestria? I know we’ve been told that Luna and Celestia have the final say, but surely Twilight would speak up in defense of her friend! Or Rarity! Or Applejack!
“Keep your hooves. Off. My. Stallion.” said Pinkamina slowly, glowering at her. Everypony went pale.
…um, wow. OK, that’s the first actual cliffhanger I like.
Wait, that actually… actually, now the emotionless death scene from earlier makes sense. Aegis put no emotion into it because he was just going to bring Pinkamena back anyways! He wanted to fool the audience, even for a few paragraphs, but completely failed to deliver!
Pinkamina awoke with a light flinch. There was something heavy and warm on top of her, and it wasn’t a blanket. Turning her head, she found her lover splayed over her with his chin rested on the small of her back. She smirked a little, staring at him for a long time. After everything that had happened, it was that precise moment that the pink mare decided she should keep him. Coltfriend, companion, whatever it was called. Now that she was in charge of her own life again, making a grab for a dependable stallion was high on the list. Bam, done. First thing crossed off the list. If only he didn’t smell so feminine. Ah well, nopony was perfect. Meh.
Oh, for fuck’s sake! Alright, we get it! He smells like a mare! You’ve only been telling us since chapter 2! Stop. Move on.
It was Applejack who spoke next, a panicked voice making her shrill. “Oh mah Celestia there’s TWO OF THEM!” she pointed at Surprise and Pinkamina. “You made a SECOND Pinkie Pie are you insane?!” she rushed over to Princess Luna, tugging at her metallic cuff. “We could barely handle one and now there’s TWO of them! This could end civilization as we know it! Don’t know you know what she can DO!?” she was off on a rave, growing louder and more incredulous. “Seas and oceans boilin’! Tartarus’ mouth opening! Twen’ny years’ah darkness! CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER! TWO PINKIE PIES! MASS HYSTERIA---Yip!?” it was Fluttershy who had stepped forward and given Applejack a good slap to the face. Everyone winced. “H’oh… h’oh… thanks Fluttershy, I needed that.” Fluttershy smiled meekly, nodding a few times while she guided the farm pony back to the round table to rest a moment.
1. Applejack is the least-likely pony to freak out over this.
2. Dogs and cats do live together on Equestria
3. Even assuming Applejack does freak out, she’d still never physically assault Princess Luna like that
4. They’ve had time to accept that Pinkie and Pinkamena are two separate ponies by this point and that Pinkie is no more. Why would Applejack immediately think that Pinkie is back?
5. Fluttershy slapping anypony? Flutterbitch, yes. Assertive Fluttershy, yes. But normal Fluttershy? No. Not possible.
“SILENCE, LESBIAN!” Luna had had quite enough of being interrupted, and the Royal Canterlot Voice concussed like a blast of lightning. She slammed her massive hooves down, shaking the library on its foundations. Rainbow Dash’s face was scarlet. Her friends glanced at her. That was new information... There was a short silence before Fluttershy started giggling uncontrollably.
Why is she a lesbian? Her mane? Come on, give me a better reason than that. And why would Fluttershy, of all ponies, be the one to laugh first?
“Thy words are true, we suppose.” Luna said after some pause, her hoof lifting to stroke her chin. “Then, with all such facts exposed, there was no assault to begin with. THOU slept with Lickity Split, not Pinkie Pie. She merely awoke to find him in her bed!” Pinkamina nodded a few times.
Uh, no. There was an assault. Pinkie/Pinkamena shows a striking similarity to Dissociative Identity Disorder (which may well have been the point, admittedly), but you know what’s funny? DID technically means that the sufferer is legally insane. Ergo, neither personality can legally give consent. Lickity did rape Pinkamena.
The Ugly
A couple glaring plot holes near the beginning pretty well made me stop reading right there. I seriously only forced myself to read on to do a proper review.
1. Twitchy-twitch in front of Rose’s flowershop, while she was pondering the mysterious herbs.
2. Itchy nose in front of the pharmacy, while she was staring at new food colorings.
3. Tingly Hooves at a local bonfire party, as soon as they’d lit the flames.
4. Melty inner thighs at Rarity’s Boutique, after a rack of cloaks had fallen on her by accident.
5. Explosive belching while poised over soup, before eating any, at lunch.
Ok, nothing wrong here so far. Even made me laugh with the whole ‘melty thighs’ bit, I admit. Let’s continue.
Pinkamina knew each of the corresponding mini-events with each one of those, but all of them were meaningless. The herbs twitchy-twitch meant somepony was pregnant. The pharmacy itch meant that Spike was peeking at something in the romance section of the library. The bonfire party tingly hooves predicted passionate love was about to blossom for somepony. The melty thighs cloak rack had predicted rain. The belching that somepony’s cooking was about to go horribly wrong. None of those events had any correlation or connection. At least, not that Pinkamina could surmise. Growling softly, she traced a shape between each of the locations, trying to divine meaning. The lines, even when drawn in all different patterns, did not do much other than criss-cross over the Everfree Forest.
Alright, explaining what each Pinkie Sense meant. I can get behi… wait. Criss-cross over the Everfree? Rose’s flowershop, pharmacy, Rarity’s Boutique, eating at lunch, bonfire. OK, three of those are explicitly within Ponyville’s boundaries. The bonfire likely wouldn’t be, and lunch is never gone into great detail. But let’s think about this for a moment.
The bonfire would be outdoors, yes. But everypony is town is terrified of the Everfree. The Mane 6 only ever go in there because something bad is going to happen. Secondly, let’s assume that Pinkie had lunch during her lunch break. (a valid assumption, since later in the story Aegis confirms that Pinkie actually works at Sugarcube Corner) So, that’s four locations within Ponyville, and one probable that is not. However, for the lines connecting them to cross over the Everfree would mean that the bonfire took place either inside the cursed forest or on the opposite edge, furthest from Ponyville.
Why?
What point would there be to holding the bonfire on the opposite edge of the Everfree? How would anypony even get there? Pegasi could fly, yes, but unicorns and earth ponies would need to walk. And to get there efficiently, they’d have to go through the Everfree, or spend hours going around. Ergo, any logical mind would put the bonfire in a more accessible location. And therein lies the problem.
If every Pinkie Sense takes place either within Ponyville or away from the Everfree but not beyond it, then how do the lines cross OVER the Everfree?
The Pinkie Sense was never activated by a pony before. Not so explicitly. Smell or otherwise.
Yes. Yes it was. That was the climax to Feeling Pinkie Keen.
Final Judgement
WHY IS THIS SO POPULAR GAOFAOAARE VAOFDGNOLW#$R KIOLRFX @qw#
*Ahem*
Sorry.
So, yeah. I did not like this story. I’m an accepting guy, willing to allow the odd slip-up here and there, whether it involves grammar or plot; but, just read above. I found so many things wrong. I didn’t mention every little thing that bugged me, either; there’s plenty unsaid, but I didn’t want to bore anyone.
What bothers me most about the story is that the idea is so unique, so interesting, but it’s just handled so poorly. First of all, why are there so many deaths in Ponyville over a short period of time? Secondly, even though those deaths are spread out over a few months, somehow preventing timely deaths is a pony’s special talent? Third, the idea that you can’t mess with fate is always a fun story idea; yet, this just feels underplayed. It’s not fate that Pinkamena ultimately ends up fighting, it’s Luna. Furthermore, the Princess just doesn’t seem all that in-character. Somepony is running around preventing death. Logically, the only recourse is to kill the savior! I get that she doesn’t enjoy somepony messing about with fate, but Pinkie Pie’s ‘death’, for however long it lasts, is not brought about by Pinkamena cheating death; it’s brought about by a vengeful Luna. It just seems so… lazy. Fighting against so ethereal a concept as fate is exciting; losing a fight against a physical god just because her proverbial panties are in a twist is boring.
There’s also a sequel, and a… triquel? Sequel 2? Fuck, part 2 and part 3 are out. One can only hope he improves his writing ability in those.
So, what do you think? Am I right in my judgment? Or is Aegis Shield an incredible author so far above me that I should feel honoured to even get the chance to read his amazing works of art?
-Tricondon
In conclusion, there's overrated shit in the feature box at any given moment.
408698
Psh, I knew that already. I just figured since he had so many followers and upvotes that the story had to be, I dunno, good. Or failing that, at least decent.
-Tricondon
Took the words right out of my mouth, Tricondon. I started reading the first one a couple of days ago, and five minutes into it I closed the tab and wondered how it got to the status it has today. Just my opinion, but I just don't like the way he writes. i.imgur.com/mb4oW.png
408717
Interestingly enough, a quick browse of the comments on said story reveals no negative comments. Everything is praise or conjecture about upcoming chapters. Either I'm the minority hater, or Aegis deletes comments that bruise his ego.
-Tricondon
408732
I wouldn't be surprised if it was the later. He's had a few meltdowns over small amounts (One blog post, a single comment, ect.) of criticism, I recall. He seems to have a huge fanbase though, so it could be that only the sheep comment and the ones who disliked it stay away.
408709
. I keep a detailed plot journal for every story I have, where I write down the events that have transpired and will transpire in order to avoid continuity errors, record ideas and dialogue I'd like to integrate, character bios detailing current and planned character development, etc. That's serious effort, something I don't see in a lot of front page stories.
I like to think that I write decent stories. I have good reviews, I read and re-read my own work before publishing, and I have two pre-readers for my Halo fic. I got a helluva positive response for my Republic Commando crossover; I never saw a 99-3 coming
Not that people who don't keep detailed plot journals are bad authors...
408755
Yeah, I know about his meltdown, where he deleted all his stories from FiMFic and demanded his followers go with him. Going to err on the side of 'he's an egotist'.
408760
Damn, you're an organized fellow. I personally don't use the detailed plot journal; all my story ideas are tucked away safely in my skull, along with future plot points, character interactions, character bios, and all that good stuff. I also enjoy playing dialogue through in my mind, mentally rearranging sentences until they sound 'just right'.
-Tricondon
408851
Just maybe. But what do I know?
408732 I doubt that he is deleting negative comments, but his response to constructive criticism is usually of the "Don't like it? Don't read it!" variety. Most of the real critics gave up on him.
As for his fan base... even if he is an ass, he's still an above par writer that puts out a lot of liturature.
408878
There's a difference between pumping out a lot of stories and being any good at it. And considering what I've seen in this fic, no. He's not an above par writer. I also didn't like Twilight and the Spartan Stallion, so don't think I haven't read some of his other works.
-Tricondon
408883 well, I certainly can't argue with that statement. The only difference in opinion that I can see is that you have higher standards than I do. Or that I'm just bored and desperate for reading materiel.
408907
Both are possible simultaneously.
-Tricondon
408851
Actually, a lot of my fics were based on universes I kept in my imagination to escape to during school. Some things I kept for the transition to writing, others I didn't. They were sort of like expanded universes for video game characters, like say, my Fallout 3 and New Vegas character (haven't written a Fallout crossover yet), or the SPARTAN-III you create in Halo: Reach.
408938
Fun fact: Darkness' Embrace is based off a recurring dream I had.
-Tricondon
408717 DAT EMOTICON //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png
408971
Breath in and out, buddy. Calm yourself.
408977
Wow I was really considering giving Seeing the Pattern a read since it was on the featured box for a while and that sequels were coming out so quickly. After reading this, some of the lines you picked out and ready part of chapter one to see if it was really that bad I became physically ill for about a minute.
That's the age old question isn't it? If a story deserves to be in the featured box or not. Most of the stories I've bothered reading from the filter box are seven times out of ten half-way decent like your Morphing is Magic story though I honestly believe that it may be pure blind luck.
Anyway your remarks just remind me I really ought to get the edits for my own story finished and posted because it's starting to hurt looking at what's there now.
Thanks for the read and the warning!
Dusty Bristle
409099
-Tricondon
Whoops I didn't mean it like that at all dood!
Anyone that puts Rachel face-punching and Ax's brain imploding at the impossibility that is Pinkie Pie is good in my book.
But since I've gotten your attention do you do proofreading at all? I could use some advice on something I'm working on
Cheers and take care
Dusty Bristle
410196
I do proofread, yes.
And I know how you meant it. I just like teasing people.
-Tricondon
Huzzah for proofreading!
Now I just need to work on not taking everything so seriously.
Dusty
408907 Well if you don't like it, don't read it.
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