A Review of the First Chapter of "Love and Tolerance", by Final_Draft · 11:36am May 5th, 2017
Since I offered to do a review of Love and Tolerance, by Final_Draft, I originally planned to do a review encompassing several chapters. However, since the first chapter alone is 6k words, I'll just be going over the first chapter. Sorry if you would have preferred more. 
You better fuckin' follow me for this, Final_Draft. I slaved over making this.
Anyways, I know I didn't completely believe in that sort of stuff. At least... until I awoke one morning, not feeling quite myself.
So the story begins with the author defining what dreams and sleep are, and while it is just foreshadowing the events to come, it is a rather unique way to hide the fact that it is simply exposition.
+1 Creativity, -1 Exposition. So far, not half bad.
Yet, at the same time it felt different somehow, like it stuck to me; I was reminded of a brief stay in Florida, their extremely hot and sticky humidity.
As a native Floridian, you've captured the environment quite well.
+1 Detail / Accuracy
Everything felt... wrong. My arms felt weird, as though I had slept with a long thin sweater on. My legs felt twisted, but there was no pain that was associated with the word.
I'm just assuming he transformed into a pony by this point, but wouldn't he have realized his change of appearance as soon as he opened his eyes? Luckily, this is somewhat made up for the fact that he's basically not very cognizant by this point, as stressed by the author.
- 1 Dramatic reveal at the cost of realism.
I was confronted by what appeared to be a small orange creature with large eyes and perky, pointed ears. Flowing brown hair that had two tones of the same color in it – eerily familiar.
I actually like this approach that the author took in this case. It appears as if the protagonist has still maintained a sense of former identity, so much so that his reflection is actually alien to him. This will play out quite nicely if the author emphasizes the shock that the protagonist experiences.
+1 Solid Build-up.
For a while, as I stared at the creature, I entertained the thought that this was some kind of dream. Surely that's what it must have been... right?
Despite the fact that this very well may be an acceptable reaction, and unlike the previous quote, this feels extremely cliché to me.
-1 Overused trope, especially with everything else looking so fresh.
The breath of surprised air that escaped my mouth startled me. I jerked my arms up to my mouth and the mirror mimicked. Instead of fingers I felt hard stubs, and winced as I slammed my lips harder than I meant to. At that moment the strange illusion vanished from view as a new falling vertigo overtook me, and the world disappeared in a thud of blackness.
This is what I had predicted, and it was exactly what I asked for. Not a calm protagonist that would just be accepting of what had happened, but rather, a man who is scared shitless and faints on the floor.
+1 Excellent Execution.
This dilemma took a bit longer to figure out. But after several minutes and colorful curses later, I finally dislodged the damnable shirt. It was immediately forgotten as the itch utterly disappeared. That wasn't all that happened however as I felt a massive twitch, and movement on my back for just a moment before it settled down peacefully.
This feels very realistic for someone who has never been a horse before. That being said, I hope he doesn't adapt in under half an hour in his new form, that would invalidate nearly all of this build-up.
+1 Realism.
The time would be better spent getting used to this new body, the way it feels, the way it reacts, and most importantly, how to 'convert' everyday things back into routine.
No critism here, I'd just like to point out that it's awfully convenient that it is the weekend. This introduction chapter is also eerily similar to Franz Kafka, if you've ever read his stories.
That was one of many encounters I was dreading. I only had minor doubts about the ability to do my job; which entailed moving boxes of shipped product all day, sometimes involved in driving a forklift, and in general breaking down the daily loads. That would simply require a change of tact. But the biggest, and some say most important, aspect of the job would be customer service. Interacting with the public.
It's very clever that the author chose a career that is not only believable, but that it also is about as detrimental to the protagonist as possible.
+1 Character Development that furthers the plot.
Was it just me or was it everyone? I listened to the front door and took a quick peek outside the window.
This, on the other hand, is something I felt that he would have questioned almost as soon as he woke up, before the latest time skip for that matter.
-1 Continuity Error.
“Thousands of car accidents occurred within just an hour,” the anchor confirmed my suspicion. “as many of these new creatures attempted to drive cars and trucks. Believing the vehicles to be stolen, the police departments of various cities have begun making arrests of those not critically injured.”
I like to see that the narrator is actively describing the world outside of the protagonist's field of view.
+1 World-building.
She finished her announcements and turned to look at her cohort, whom was still staring at her. After a few tense seconds, she coughed loudly and snapped him out of his reverie. I couldn't help but chuckle.
If the author manages to invoke a sense of xenophobia between normal humans and the newly-transformed ones, then that would be one of the most realistic depictions of this situation.
If so, then her telling me she was, my mind flared at the word, lesbian was one such event when I tried one time to express my crush in the hopes it would become more than just friendship.
This was quite interesting to read, but at the same time, I felt like such a good opportunity was wasted here. Not only did the protagonist open describe his feelings for a girl, but this big reveal became muted due to the plain exposition it was in.
-1 Missed world-building opportunity.
Ashley: Um, I can't go see a movie. Sick, real sick. Cannot go.
I like the way Ashley is written here, but you can tell she's a pony immediately. Which is fine, only because the protagonist is one as well, but why doesn't he become suspicious instantly then?
-1 Conveniently unsuspecting protagonist.
I took a deep breath, and concentrated. I knew what I needed to do, the only question now was what approach to take. With that thought in mind, I began straightening up the apartment like I always did before expecting company.
At least he is very aware of his own situation, despite being clueless about Ashley. Hopefully, he figure it out before seeing her in the flesh.
+1 Grounded character with a calm, planned approach.
This story is promising, not only because it has proper punctuation and grammar (which all stories should), but it also has a sense of realism that feels original and creative, though some of it is revoked at the expense of story drama.
The downside is, I still feel that the characters are not developed enough for me to relate to them yet, though this is only the first chapter. None of the characters are mercurial or random, and the continuity of the story is mostly solid.
I'd rate this first chapter a 8/10, I'll be tracking this story to see if some of my negative opinions are assuaged.
A wonderful review! Thank you so much!
I'm really happy with the 7.5-8/10 given thus far, and thank you for the mention of good spelling and grammar (as that's important to me for the same reason) but not making it a focus of the review.
The missed opportunities in a few areas made me facepalm... a little... at myself.
Like, I wish i had made it subtler about the text message. I don't have any excuse for it. It just didn't occur to me. The same for the reveal of why the protagonist isn't with Ashley.
I hope to hear more from you as time goes by. Once again, thank you~ this has lifted my spirits so very much.
(And yes, you'll get that follow~
)
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Yay!