In which I criticize myself · 3:34pm Apr 26th, 2017
I breifly flirted with the idea of rewriting Promises. It was my first completed non one shot story it also achieved a level of popularity high enough to show me that my writing had a place here. Looking back at it, I don't hate it, but there are some things I would change.
So in the interest of turning my critical gaze inward and publically admitting my faults, here's what's wrong with Promises
1. There was no buildup
I have Scoots admitting to abuse in the first scene. A few chapters of background would've been much better, showing Scoots as sullen, Rainbow practically forces her to come over etc would have made the reveal more impactful.
2. I had a bad case of LUS
The only defense i have for this is I was a new writer. And while I did an okay, but not great, job of limiting the Cyan Pegasuses and Lavender Alicorns I call Scoots “little filly” waay to much. Sorry.
3.Lighting Strike was a poorly developed character
He was never meant to be sympathetic, but man was he just one dimension of awful. First off his name was bad. Then the only thing we know about him is that he's an unrepentant sadistic sociopath. A newer version would still have him as the bad guy, but we'd learn a little more of his motivation (he demands discipline and then yes he enjoys hurting his subordinates).
4. I made Rainbow into a steely eyed badass.
Y’all know that scene in Heat? The one where DeNiro and Pacino have coffee?
“I’ve gotta tell ya, if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're going to turn into a widow , well then brother you are going down”
“What if you do got me boxed in and I gotta put you down? Because you will not get in my way. Yeah we’ve been face to face, but I will not hesitate, not for a second.”
I love that exchange. That scene makes my dick hard! (See also “Cheese if you disrespect her like that again I will pull your fucking card…” from Gone Baby Gone.)
So I wrote a few of those in. Without the other problems they aren't as glaring, but even so that first one reads as a bit much. A newer version would've dialed it back.
Those are the big ones. If I ever sat down to do a rewrite there are probably smaller details that would change too.
I don't really see how that's an issue, but that might just be my RD bias talking.
If you think you can do so! It was one of the first I stumbled on after stumbling here some time ago and although I liked it.
Try too keep the original though, my advice do Promises; Redux.
If you say so.... I have no idea how these things (story lines, plot conflict build-up and resolution, character development, etc) are supposed to work, but I know I liked Promises a whole lot. You claim it could have been better and that may well be so, but it was definitely wonderful when I discovered and devoured it way back when,
'Fix' it if you feel you must (and I'll definitely re-read it, 'cause, like, it's been a while anyway) but IMHUO (humble un-informed opinion) it stands up fine just the way it is.
You think Lightning Strike is bad? I named Spoiled Rich's abusive mother Obsidian Heart. I should've just called her Evil MacVillainname.