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When Rainbow Dash learns that her number one fan is being abused, how far will she go to keep Scootaloo safe?
Rather than update this box every time I post a new chapter, it's safe to assume that all my chapters are pre-read and edited by:
The Patriot, eggynack, and juter4397
and they're all great, so if you liked this go give them a thumbs up or something.
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Loved it.
It says incomplete, will there be more?
I don't know for someone reason. This feels like a dick move to me
Good story btw.
awesome story when is the next story because it says incomplete and I want to see lighting strike get what he deservers for abusing scootaloo
I loved it
4101161 I meant it solely as joke the :) at the end was meant to convey that
4101200
Oh I didn't see that there. My apologies.
When Rainbow Dash learns that her number one fan is being abused, how far will she go to keep Scootaloo safe?
4101522 can't believe I missed that, thanks.
4101630 Don't forget the comma!
Well, considering that RD is an arrogant, full-of-herself bitch, I suspect Scootaloo is going to die.
4101663 There's a number of troll fics that go in that direction if that's your cup of tea.
4101658 done, thanks again.
4101174 give me a day or two to write it, I'll see if I can get chapter 2 posted tommorow
Lightning "Das"h is Lightning "Dust" (wrong name there).
This is a pretty decent read, I'll stay tuned for more.
4101779 fixed thanks
This looks like a great story! Can't wait for more!
KILL HIM WiTH FIRE
I recommend breaking up some of those walls of text. A lot of them were pretty hard to stomach, and I found myself getting lost often.
Lightning Strike needs to get a Sonic Rain Boom punch to the nads. I hate him already and I hope to see him burn soon. Heaven help him if he gets away from Rainbow and runs into her friends. They'll tear him apart, even Fluttershy.
This was a rather well written story, all things considered, but it could use a lot of syntactical love. Lotsa missing apostrophes, and occasionally commas. Also some misspelled words. I'd advise giving it a read-through or seven, such that those issues are corrected.
I do like stories where Twilight isn't a pussy push over when it comes to being a princess, I look forward to seeing where this goes
Cant wait for the next chapter
Could stand to be a bit slower in regards to the pace that was very fast
There is a problem with this: a huge lack of punctuation. Maybe go back and, with some help if you need it, add punctuation where it is needed.
Ls is such a. Bastard! Normally I don't like seeing the word bitch in a Fic, but here I could ignore any do not want it. There thoughts because he just pissed me off
I look forward to fps taking him down and scoots mom realising what a Jerk his is and feel terrible for not believing her own daughter. She's your flesh and blood, he's a guy you let move into your house only a few months a go.
Did not feel off when rainbow was stating what she'd do. To Ls if he came near scoots again. It felt right
I look forward to more
While I'm all for someone getting a nice kick, seeing Twilight abuse authority with such nepotism is just...ugh..
Problem is for me it's kinda hard to really connect, considering how very quickly everything moved into place. Scoots sad, rainbow angry. The pace kinda moved on so I didn't really feel all that engrossed along with lots of telling to start with and continues on in such a fashion, another issue I had with the disconnection.
It's not a bad story to say the least, just a few issues that keeps me from really getting into it.
A bit OOC for Twi and Rainbow. Twi wouldn't be that quick to use her connections with Shinging, Cadence, Luna, or Celestia in any situation, nor would she be the venomous. We also have the issue of RD being so calm with Scootaloo. She would be freaking out at least.
Ah, that was genius what Twilight did, and by extension what you wrote, so well done author, I'm liking this story very much
I like the story so far, but I do agree that the pacing is a bit fast.
Take a bit of time to add some detail and dialogue to help bring your readers in more.
Part of the draw of stories like these is the 'feels' we get from reading them, and with as fast as the pacing is we are not getting the time to 'feel' those 'feels'.
I also noticed that some have commented on the characters feeling a little OOC, and I partially agree.
I say partially because a situation like this would never happen in the show, so we cannot say for certain how they would react in a situation like this.
The reason it feels slightly OOC is because there is no lead in to their actions.
There needs to be more detail and dialogue (internal if necessary) that leads us into seeing Twilight abuse her authority and Rainbow making death threats.
We need to see them wrestle with their own morality as they decide to put their personal feelings aside to put Scootaloo's safety first.
In this way their actions become less OOC and more understandable, as we see it from their point of view.
This has the potential to be a great story!
Just slow the pacing down a bit, so we can take this journey with you.
Liked and Fav'ed
The fact that lightning was doing that to scoots in a way even magic has a hard time seeing it.... GAH! I WANNA STRANGLE THAT JERK!
I look forward to when lightning gets found out and scoots gets to stay with rainbow permanently. Though I guess that's at least three chapters away, am I right?
The FPS seems pretty toothless. A child outright saying that she will be beaten is evidence enough for at least temporary removal, I would think.
Just for the hell of it, I looked up what child protection laws look like in my province (Ontario). Link.
“I’m going to kill him,”
Oh silly Dash. This is post Discord's redemption. What you do is ask Fluttershy to ask Discord to 'use his powers for good' and educate Lightning Strike about foal abuse.
He'll suffer ever so much more.
4111219 There are two possible answers to your comment. The first is that if a filly who was being abused had a history of making up stories (gabby gums) and FPS knocked on her house to find a well rescpected government official/police officer/soldier and his girlfriend/the fillies mother who assured them that everything was fine, they might leave especially if there were no hospital records to coraborate the abuse.
the second answer is if FPS does their job my story is pretty boring. It'd be like Breaking Bad set in Canada. "You have cancer, but don't worry your treatment starts on Monday" . So yeah FPS isn't great at their job, in fairness to them there's not a lot of foal abuse in equestria.
4111571 Fair enough. I pretty much looked up the law just to make myself feel a bit better. I understand this is a "Dark" story, so it's partly designed to make one angry and upset... It's working.
I sure hope Lightning Strike eventually gets what's coming to him. Child abusers make me sick.
I should probably say, aside from a few errors here and there (didn't note them down, sorry) this story is very well-written, though the characters are a little off in places. Twi especially wouldn't be the type to throw her connections around and would want to plan things out before just out-and-out accusing LS of abuse. Basically I agree with these guys:
4108174
4108564
4110871
A good story is rich in relevant context. That means: Flesh out your scenes and characters, so that every action makes sense, but also make sure everything you write has some meaning to it. A breakfast scene, for example, can set the mood and show a character's struggles and relationships, but don't bother describing the food and how good characters are at making food if it has no relevance to anything.
Deciding whether something is relevant is, of course, not always easy, and a bit of an art in itself. Ask: "Would my story's plot or mood suffer at all if I removed this?"
Anyway, I'll be watching this story.
I really feel bad for Scootaloo. But... this is a great story!!!
You know Rainbow could always sic Pinkimina on him
4112024 I have an idea for a one-shot in my head about Pinkie being a retired assassin. I thought of including it in this story but it really wouldn't have fit.
4111571 Did you know that you used a reference from "Fallout Equestria" when you put "New Appleloosa".
4112360 I did not
You had a little grammatical errors, but there were few so it didn't really affect the story much. This is a great story so far, and I can't wait for more ^~^
I love fluttershy's portrayal in this.
And everything else. ^^
4111516
That fit your name suspiciously well.
Great idea.
fantastic story will be waiting for the next one but first one question what do's FPS stand for ?
4112360 ....not everything is a Fallout reference, For example,
three examples from real life that he could've gotten inspiration from.
York -> New York
Mexico -> New Mexico
England -> New England
4114292 wait hold on, there's a NEW mexico now?
4114339 yeah its near Alberguercy? Alberquerky? Albercuky?
....how the hell do you spell it?
Edit: albuquerque
4114181 Foal Protective services, it's like child protective services (CPS) but they are pretty bad at their job apparently.
I'm with Rainbow
I'm GOINT TO KILL THAT BUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empress Rainbow Dash... oh dear. But I love the idea of Twilight making all her friends' residences their own sovereign nations for emergencies like this. Lightning Strike is so boned when Twilight starts laying down the facts.
4111516 You mean make him a filly and feel all the abuse he dealt to Scoots???? I can't see Discord getting in on that. It's chaotic, probably will piss Celestia off, and doing the community a service, so everyone wins.
4115340 No no no no, you make him suffer and beg for death... then spare his life and let him keep on suffering.
I love the reference. Trolls describe The Krogan greatly in my opinion but in a good way.
No matter what scars you bear,
whatever uniform you wear,
you can fight like a krogan,
run like a leopard,
but you'll never be better
than commander shepard
I scrolled up to give you a thumbs up for that chapter, just to find that I already gave you one for last chapter. OH well. have a
instead.
Love your characterization of Luna in this, BTW. I look forward to reading more.