Desh Reviews 2

The Darkening of Equestria
By: Shadow Stormblade
“A mysterious Alicorn arrives in Ponyville from the depths of the Everfree Forest. Who is this strange pony that no one has seen before? Where did he come from? This story tells the true story about what really should have happened.”
Spoilers: Major-ish

A Quote from the Author: “I'm so excited to get reviewed for my first story! This is super cool and I can't wait to write more!”

Characters: This has a sex god OC named after the Author, perhaps it is a self-insert in which case… The other characters to appear are a lot… Mayor Mare, the “Element Bearers”, Princesses, Villains, and Princes.

To start I’ll go through the other characters first. Mayor Mare she doesn’t have a single spoken line, and her only real appearance is surrendering her position as Mayor to the Sex God main character. As to whether or not she was out of character… I would like to believe she wasn’t, but it was incredibly hard to tell.

Villains. The list is; a Hydra, “Fucking Fire”, Tirek, Gilda(?), Queen Chrysalis(?), Starlight Glimmer(?), Discord(?), Nightmare Moon(Inside of Luna), and Sombra. I can say the Hydra was out of character, since its heads were cut off and they weren’t ‘Doubled the fun’. The fire was fire… I guess(Why did I put this here?). Tirek only had a name mention, as well as Gilda, Queen Chrysalis, Starlight Glimmer, Nightmare Moon, and Sombra. Discord had a chapter to himself, which I will cover in the story portion.

“Element Bearers” were basically name only, so not easily discernible. But I do believe that Rainbow was out of character, since she’s “gay”?

The Princesses, Luna and Celestia, made two appearances the first we get to learn a shocker, though I was left rather confused by it, since both times I read the story I came to a different conclusion. That might just be me though… they didn’t appear in, or out, of character. Luna seemed grabby, and Celestia had a single line, the only other thing about them was them abdicating the throne to the Sex God main character. Almost forgot about Cadence… she is in it as well.

Princes. Well there are two, the main character, and Shining Armor. Shining Armor was updated in my Headcanon, and the main character gets his own paragraph, so back to Shining Armor. He is divorced, and becomes homeless or something… I don’t really know at the moment. But the ending was… unpredictable.

The OC main character, Shadow Stormblade(Possible Self-insert), is an Alicorn Prince. He is either the son of Celestia, or Luna… I wasn’t able to figure it out(Note: this was the shocker I talked about above.), again that might just be me. S.S.(Super SaiyanShadow Stormblade) demonstrated immeasurable amounts of Magic, which rivaled that of the Elements of Harmony. Became the new wielder of the Elements, and is a certified Sex God(Not stricken). The character has had instant friendships(Harems), effortless victories, and well… harems. By what I’ve read this is the making of a “Mary Sue”, or “Gary Sue(?)”... I don’t know the male equivalent name. To put it simply for people who might not know exactly what the term means; it is when a character is perfect in nearly every aspect. That is a general wide-range usage of it, and the one I prefer.

Story: The story starts with the best line, I was hooked. “--raining fucking fire.” the excerpt, since I didn’t write the full thing down. It moves then to a mysterious cloaked figure flying about and clearing the clouds. A “Pegasus” before clearing the fire with a magic spell, a “Unicorn” next they reveal themselves as an Alicorn. With a blue mane, white tips, and a black coat.
Impressed Mayor Mare gives him her position, a group orgy happens.

The next day, or chapter, a Hydra attacks, and with a single spell the Alicorn kills the Hydra, severing its heads. Celestia and Luna appear, Luna hugs him, Celestia is shocked. He says something along the lines of “hello Mother.”

Next Discord appears, and with a little transaction of dialogue he truly appears, and Shadow Stormblade, the mysterious Alicorn, uses a spell rivaling that of the Elements to turn Discord back into stone. Deciding to rid Equestria of the “fiend” another spell is used to send him to a different dimension, unless I read that wrong, but Discord is stone and out of mind.

Wanting to rid Equestria of all the Villains Shadow Stormblade hunts down all the Villains and defeats them. We get to find out that Sombra is the father… he defeats Sombra as well. He goes to “his Castle”(Ex-Twilight’s Castle), and becomes the new wielder of the Elements. From there he goes to Canterlot(I assume) to take position as the King of Equestria. The princesses abdicate the next day.

Finding himself lonely, he makes a harem of all the mares. But ultimately only one was able to get his heart and they get married sometime later(I want to leave the surprise).

Wow… that was “quick.” This story didn’t have all too much detail to it, and I found that it was centered around the “OP” main character. Which leads to a narrow path of unoriginality, though this one did pull it off rather well. I don’t expect to find another like it. So points for originality.

I couldn’t decipher what the main goal of the story was, which makes it rather hard to talk about. My improvement tips; don’t make Mary Sue perfect characters, add more detail, and work on adding in better pace and flow.

Naturally I can help explain, to the best of my abilities, the way to improve on them. First: perfect characters. This could, honestly, have several blogs in on itself. But to wrap it up as neatly as I can… “real characters” struggle, and have limitations. There is far, far more than that, but these are the ones to work more on. Struggles would help draw the reader in, seeing how the character manages to deal with the situation, or even how they failed to handle the situation. A good character is one who doesn’t always have the answer, can’t clear every hurdle, ‘falls in the mud’, and having just these general limitations. What is the point of conflict, and struggle if with a swish of the wand/horn a spell makes everything better. Magic, like characters, should have limitations and rules… I’ve rambled on about this for a little too long.

Conclusion: This was a quick read, one thousand words spread over five chapters. In the comment section of the story there were people saying it was a Troll-fic, but I’m inclined to not believe them.

If I learned anything from this story it would be this: even in the plain, and ordinary, if one looks further, deeper; dedicate themselves, just a little, then they will find that, more often than not, they will be pleasantly surprised. Whether it be a character, a person, or a story. Simply sticking around, pushing forward, you can find that everything has more than what is at surface value.

Thanks for reading, check out the work [Here].
Vote for the next Fic in the comments, or by dropping me a PM.
Edit: Here is the Master List, which doubles as the rules.
~DeshLune