Failed Fics #8: 'Twilight Sparkle's Confusing Crack-Ship Contraption' · 7:08pm Mar 12th, 2017
Hello and welcome to the next installment of 'Failed Fics,' a look into the numerous fanfics I've started but ultimately had to kill. Their stories vary, but the themes are the same; they just didn't belong in this world.
This time around, our story is a bit weird. Not just the titular fic itself, mind you, but the circumstances surrounding said story's genesis.
I'll be blunt; I have no earthly recollection of the planning of this story. None. The nearest I can figure is that when I ran my little Valentine's Day contest a couple years back, I thought it might be fun to pair up a few characters and do something random and funny. Evidently I started an outline, saved it, and then promptly forgot all about it when that computer up and fried.
In the midst of browsing my old hard-drives, I found the original file and found it so wonderfully odd that I had to share it with you all.
Please enjoy my original outline for 'Twilight Sparkle's Confusing Crack-Ship Contraption.' Goodness knows I did.
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The story is framed by a sequence where Twilight and Cadance get drunk and argue about the nature of Cadance's job. Cadance argues that Twilight has no idea how hard it is to perfectly match two ponies together. Twilight argues that, in the right set of circumstances, any two ponies can fall in love. To prove it, she draws up plans for a machine that will allow her and Cadance to see into pocket realities to test her theory. The machine is hastily constructed and activated. Just as the machine turns on, Twilight carelessly sets the couple selector to RANDOM.
All chapters are 500-1000 words long. Content ranges from saucy content to outright comedy.
Shining Armor/Minuette
"My Best Friend’s Brother"
-At a sleepover, Minuette tries to seduce Twilight's older brother.
Doctor Hooves/Smarty Pants
"Toy Story"
-Whooves is confused as to why Derpy was fighting so desperately for an old stuffed doll. In the name of science, he implants the dolls with an artificial intelligence. The results are... stimulating.
Flam/Tom
"Hard Love"
-A drunken Flam is seduced by a boulder.
Flam/Featherweight
"I Need An Adult"
-Featherweight interrupts Flam while he is humping a random boulder. Flam thinks Featherweight is a thin young mare. Featherweight needs to run now.
Lightning Dust/Minuette
"Second Fiddles"
-Lightning Dust and Minuette meet up and hit it off at a group therapy session for secondary characters.
Derpy/Pipsqueak
"Confused in Love"
-Derpy finds Pipsqueak's Hearts and Hooves Day for Dinky and mistakenly thinks it's actually for her.
Shining Armor/Berry Punch
"Party Foul"
-At a college party, a heavily inebriated Shining Armor and Berry Punch stumble into an empty room. A philosophical discussion ensues.
Nightmare Moon/Apple Rose
"I Will Always Love You"
-Apple Rose is visited in a dream by the one mare she ever truly loved; the Mare in the Moon.
Applejack/Snails
"Garden Pests"
-Snails is crushing hard on Applejack. Will the older mare be swayed by his charms?
Celestia/Smarty Pants
"The Reason is You"
-Celestia cuddles with Twilight's favorite doll and thinks back on the mare who inspired the toy.
Mulia Mild/Cranky
"Can’t Have Just One"
-A very married Cranky is seduced by a very persistent Mulia Mild.
Donut Joe/Filthy Rich
"Making a Deal"
-Donut Joe wants to start selling his pastries in Ponyville. Filthy Rich is confident they can come to a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Zecora/Note Worthy
"You Fixed Me"
-After a run in with Poison Joke, Note Worthy seeks to repay the zebra mare who aided him.
Apple Rose/Mayor Mare
"Nothing Like the Real Thing"
-Ponies have always wondered why Mayor Mare pretends to be older than she really is. Could it be so that her marefriend feels less self-conscious.
Nightmare Moon/Celestia
"That Mysterious Mare in Black"
-Celestia meets a mysterious mare at a masquerade ball.
Featherweight/Mulia Mild
"I Need An Adult 2: Electric Boogaloo"
-Finally free from a pursuing Flam, Featherweight finds himself accosted by a recent rejected Mulia Mild.
Discord/Madame Le Flour
"Love Rises"
-Discord waxes poetic about his one true love.
Hayseed Turniptruck/Celestia
"That Rustic Charm"
-Celestia finds herself quite taken with the castle's new handy-pony.
Applejack/Mr. Greenhooves
"Ain’t Nothin’ But a Number"
-After a chance encounter at the Grand Galloping Gala, Applejack decides to get to know the groundskeeper a bit better.
Pipsqueak/Twilight Sparkle
"My New Favorite Princess"
-Pipsqueak's got a crush on Princess Twilight. Princess Twilight has never had a male interested in her before. This could get weird.
Nightmare Moon/Carrot Cake
"Forbidden"
-Carrot Cake lusts for the shadowy mare who haunts his dreams.
Little Strongheart/Zecora
"We Found Each Other"
-While wandering the deserts, Zecora encounters the princess of the buffalo.
Fancy Pants/Hayseed Turniptruck
"That Rustic Charm Still Works"
-Coasting on his status as Canterlot's newest lothario, Hayseed finds his greatest challenge yet.
Doctor Whooves/Silver Spoon
"Give It Time"
-Silver Spoon is crushing hard on the mailmare's stallion. She says she's too young for him. And then Dinky tells her that the good Doctor has a time machine.
Filthy Rich/Nightmare Moon
"Power Play"
-Filthy Rich is confident he can secure a comfortable place in the new kingdom of Nightmare Moon.
Braeburn/Crackle
"Any Port in a Storm"
-Braeburn is stranded in the Dragon Lands and desperate for some... tender loving care. Will he find what he seeks in a rather bizarre dragon?
Steven Magnet/Matilda
"My Best Friend’s Wife"
-Steven Magnet tries to figure out how to reveal to Cranky that he's been seeing his wife for years.
Sheriff Silverstar/Rainbow Dash
"The Good, the Bad, and the Lovely"
-In the midst of a party in Appleoosa, the Sheriff puts the moves on a certain Element of Loyalty.
Soarin/Queen Chrysalis
"Let’s Try This Again"
-Chrysalis decides she was aiming too high and sets out to seduce and control a Wonderbolt.
Soarin/Derpy
"That Wall Eyed Mare of Mine"
-Soarin reflects on the day her met Derpy as he prepares to propose.
Berry Punch/Smarty Pants
"Only You Understand Me"
-Berry pour her heart out to the only one who listens.
Sweetie Belle/Sir Lintsalot
"The Perfect Male Must be Made, Not Found"
-Jealous that her friends have found special someponies, Sweetie Belle sets out to make her own.
King Sombra/Spike
"To the Victor"
-Spike is visited by the spirit of Sombra who wishes to meet the warrior who defeated him.
Iron Will/Nightmare Moon
"Beauty and the Beast"
-In her conquest of Equestria, Nightmare Moon finds her greatest challenge in... a self-help guru.
Berry Punch/Mr. Turnip
"Delicious and Desperate"
-After her date stands her up, Berry Punch starts eyeing her kitchen for other ways to spend her evening.
Daring Do/Dr. Whooves
"A Moment of Pause in the Peril"
-Held captive by hostile natives, Daring and the Doctor make some confessions before their inevitable demise.
Twilight Sparkle/Garble
"A Thing for Dragons"
-No one is more surprised than Garble when Twilight Sparkle shows up with a bouquet of roses.
Berry Punch/Lightning Dust
"BYOB"
-Lightning Dust heads for a bar to drown her sorrows and hits it off with a mare she meets there.
The machine overloads and explodes. Twilight assures Cadance that there were no adverse side effects to the other mare's immense relief. The two bid the other goodbye and hurry to find their significant others. Twilight finds Snips waiting with their dinner already prepared. And Cadance? Returns to rule the Crystal Empire with her beloved Crackle by her side.
Meanwhile, Fluttershy wakes up from a terrible nightmare that everpony's love lives were all messed up. Her beloved Macintosh calms her down... with some help from Mac's two other wives; Pinkie Pie and Cheerilee.
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That's certainly something, isn't it?
The funny thing is, I could actually see some of those as one shots...
Ah well, what might have been.
OKAY BUT I NEED THIS
ALSO BOTH OF THOSE APPLE ROSE FICS
Like, holy shit, I thought the first one was good and then you go and add in character development for the Mayor? I'm dead.
Also Doctor Whooves/Silver SpoonYES PLEASE DERPY DESERVES GOOD THINGS ;_;
Daring and Doctor, plzkthx
Berry/Lightning sounds like an actual good pairing, too.
Oh god, the proposed ending, though XD You wouldn't need the framing device to make most of these work as stand-alones, though, if you're willing to put the work in. (i.e., not just have them be 1k shorty-shorts)
I'll be honest, the greatest disappointment here is that the vast majority of these stories aren't currently one-shots.