Midnight Review: Hollow Shades

A Midnight Review

Hello from your neighborhood MidnightChaos, reviewing another Displaced story for shits and giggles, as well the benefit of the author if I can manage it. There will be jokes, possibly memes, and some spelling and grammar corrections. Opinions and wording may be seen as offensive but I will try to tone down the level of bitter asshole I usually put into things.

Hollow Shades by Dilos1

Personally, I rather like this title and it’s accompanying coverart.

Angela was just a petty thief at a convention. All she wanted was to grab a few things, leave, and make a few bucks off of them. She had no idea just how complicated her situation would become because of it. And now, the ponies inhabiting the town of Hollow Shades will find themselves at odds with what many would call a living nightmare.

On a sidenote, I’m fairly certain this fic was denied for lacking some key element of a Displaced story, like crossovers or any method at all. Suffice to say, if I find anything that I consider making it Displaced, I’ll move it.

As for the actual description, it’s pretty original in its set-up. Not sure if I’ve seen the thief bit, and if I have it wasn’t as old as this story. This is also pretty attention grabbing and leaves a mild amount of explanation, but not so much that you can guess absolutely everything that happens. Excellent, love it.

4,478 views. Fuck. Seems more legit than one of mine, which I’d like to add is like shit on a windshield; everywhere and fucking disgusting. Even the likes are higher in number. 692, I’m pretty sure the fic I’m talking about is at like 5k views and only like… 218 likes. It’s also got less dislikes, 42 to 56. And the number of comments? Wow. I already have high hopes for this story.

First attempt at a displaced fic, featuring a blend of the game Evolve and My Little Pony.

If you don't like that sort of thing, then don't read.

Tags may be added later on. Gore tag for mild gore, nothing too overt.

...I’m conflicted about this. First off, you could have just added something like,

Extra Tags: Evolve Video Game

And I think it’d be less invasive to the description. As for the mention of MLP, that’s kind of pointless on FiMFiction.Net. EVERYTHING contains MLP. But, the warning bit… I think its actually completely unnecessary, alongside the mention about adding tags and there being mild gore. The mention of Evolve? Probably necessary. The rest, not so much.

Featured 4/25/16

Lucky duck, but this is likely unneeded and could have been put in a chapter uploaded after that day as an author’s note. Personally, I actually have no clue if I’ve ever been featured, and my profile has 8 fics past 1,000 views.

Something new lurks within the wilds of Equestria. Something monstrous.

I actually had to go back and add this, but it’s definitely a foreboding description, I like it.

Prologue

I swear to gods, if this lets me down too much or uses prologue in the wrong manner, I will go to one of the three bridges within walking distance of my current residence and hang myself off them. Or jump. The last two fics I reviewed sucked worse than vacuum cleaner being shoved down a throat.

Angela beheld the large building in front of her with a greedy gleam in her eye.

Dressed in a black hooded jacked with a white paintball mask covering her face, her appearance, which would have been suspicious in any other situation, went unnoticed by the hundreds of other cosplayers that swarmed towards the convention like insects. Many of them were dressed in apparel that disguised them in much the same way, hiding their faces from the world behind the capes and masks of their favorite hero, villain, or creature. Angela had to admit that, as she looked around at them, some of them were actually pretty decent in terms of appearance. Some were even downright impressive to look at, Like that one guy's giant hydralisk costume that, were it not for the legs, Angela might have mistook for the real thing.

This prologue is 4,000 words and I’m both eager and hesitant about reading it. Seriously, holy crap dude. Anyways, Angela seems very eager as well, and she probably is greedy for this review to get done so I’ll stop yapping and get a move on it.

…*squints* Her attire as you’ve described it reminds me of that weird kabuki mask spirit, whatever its from. Still, not the most outrageous a Displaced has worn, not even close. (I think there was one character that wore a loincloth or something actually.) But, yeah, I can definitely see how this would play to her advantage, what with cosplayers.

Swarming like insects? What kind? Ants? I think ants are the best comparison, as both groups move towards things they want. Good simile, mate. And, definitely excellent scene setting. I may actually struggle to make a few jokes about this one, but you can be damned sure I will try.

...Is she finding dweebs hot? And impressive? *eyebrow waggle*. Anyways, this has to be one of the best set-ups I’ve seen for the convention Displacement method yet. Seriously it’s better than, “I walked up to some weird shady guy and he sold me this piece of foam that kind of looks like a sword. Now I’m Steve from minecraft.” I was going to use another example, but then I realized how it was actually a fucking hilarious and unique Displacement.

(For those wondering, it’s a DW fan getting sold, or finding, a pointy stick and becoming the mistress or Clara. Or both.)

And she was not sure, but Angela could not help but shake the feeling that the terran marine that was with him was a girl, and was thoroughly enjoying her role.

Other costumes, while not quite as eye catching, were still pretty neat in their own right. But unfortunately, Angela did not come here just to check out the best costume. Readjusting the backpack slung over her shoulders Angela proceeded to go inside, hidden by the mass of people already in the rented out building. From there she asked for directions to the largest room, where most of the souvenirs were at, and by extension most of the money. Along the way she passed by a Spider Man, a Darth Vader, Princesses Celestia and Luna, and multiple varieties of pokemon. The last group gave her a feeling of nostalgia.

She had not been your typical girl stereotype when she was younger.

...Kinky, hydraliskxmarine. She really likes to comment on this cosplay and the costumes, doesn’t she. Might have reached a point where she may just orgasm from the best costume there. Sidenote; don’t let her watch the contest for best cosplay.

She had a backpack? Okay, I mean, I’m not if the fact its mentioned now is bad, since it’s still pretty early in the fic, but I do wonder why it wasn’t mentioned at some point beforehand. Either, way it’s fine that it only appears now, since we’re probs only a few hundred words in. And, boy almighty, the set-up that she’s going to steal something is fucking excellently done. I assume she’s feeling nostalgia at the pokemon, and not the princesses since that’s foreshadowing.

“Not your typical girl”? She was a geek or a dweeb, wasn’t she. Kind of obvious, since she;s at a convention and going to steal something from it.

Along the way she even got a few compliments for her own "costume" , which she accepted graciously. She may not have cared what they thought about her appearance, but there was no need to attract more attention to herself by being rude.

It was while Angela was walking down a long hallway filled to capacity with other people in costumes that she noticed something sticking out of the side pocket of a suitcase some distance away. She narrowed her eyes and grinned behind her mask when she saw that it was a wallet. And it looked like it had a lot of green stuff in it. And what luck that the teenage boy dressed in plastic golden armor currently tapping away on his phone had been nice enough to set it next to a bench by the woman's restroom.

He's probably waiting for his girlfriend or something. Angela thought.

Yeah, they likely thought it was the same thing I did or something. Maybe she looks like Lara Croft or something, fuck if I know. And, I think people in general love compliments, especially nerds and dweebs, so she’s most definitely right about drawing attention.

Wait, like a full-on suitcase? Why bring that and not like, a duffel bag or something? Meh, people do what people will I suppose. Damn this chick must have hawk eyes, because to see something that tiny through a fucking mass of people… Plastic golden armor? Shit, I kind of wanna see him get Displaced too… Both because of the shenanigans that could ensue for her stealing his wallet later, and the sheer level of foreshadowing.

Real smart, kid. Set your shit down and not pay attention to it. No wonder she decides to rob you.

And, this last bit would be the sweet cherry on the sundae if it were foreshadowing.

Suddenly deciding that she needed to use the facilities herself, although for an entirely different reason than what they were probably intended for, Angela changed her direction slightly and made her way towards the restroom. Just as she was about to pass the boy with the suitcase Angela quickly checked to make sure that he was still distracted by his phone and no one else was looking before she stealthily stooped down just enough to pinch the wallet between her thumb and index finger. The boy did not even look up for a second as Angela casually strolled into the restroom with her prize. Stepping into one of the stalls Angela proceeded to empty all of its contents into her backpack.

A wonderful start to a day at the convention! she thought gleefully.

Her spoils safely tucked away, Angela emerged from the restroom, surreptitiously replacing the wallet back into its place in the suitcase as she passed the boy, who's attention was still on his phone.

Very, very sneaky. The kid definitely deserves it for just leaving his stuff sitting down. I mean, come on. Who keeps their wallet out in the open like that, shove it down the front of your costume or pin it somewhere with that fucking armor. Hell, you could just hold it behind your phone while typing.

Definitely a good start, especially since you’re probably a good hundred or more bucks richer, with how much money people bring to conventions in cash alone. Sidenote, I was robbed of $100 bucks awhile back and if Angela could just slip me some of that cash I would be very grateful.

Is she a fucking ninja too, because holy fuck, nice. I’ve pulled shit like this, not stealing mind you but doing shit extremely stealthily, and never actually accomplished it to that level. You have my respect Angela Croft.

I can't help it if some people make it too easy. She mused as she resumed her journey towards the center of the convention, where even more riches were to be had, just ripe for the taking.

One paragraph because this next bit is a timeskip/scene change. Anyways, yes you really can’t especially if they aren’t being that cautious around a huge mass of people. Move, young ninja, for your sensei demands the spoils of war! Bring me the goods, Angela-san, bring me the goodsssss~

Unfortunately for Angela there was actually not a lot of great opportune moments for her to get much of anything, much to her chagrin. It was not that there was a shortage of wallets or open purses to swipe or dip her hand into, or even rare collectibles that would easily fit in her pocket, far from it. She could still recall the almost ecstatic joy she felt upon seeing a plethora of rare Kenner Star Wars action figures, some of them still in their original packaging. Had there not been a bunch of people around at the time that would have seen her she might have been able to make off with a few of them. And of course the guy showing them off had been adamant about not taking his eyes off of them for more than a second, which only made it that much more of a bust.

At least that one chubby nerd had been gullible enough to think that a girl would not be interested in casually sliding a few of his supposedly super rare pokemon cards into her open backpack while he checked beneath his desk for something. Those might get her a few dollars at least. Or maybe she would just keep them; she was a bit of a nerd herself after all.

The fic screams quality content to me, I love it.

Anyways, I must admit it sucks you couldn’t get those rare Star Wars pieces. You could’ve been rich, but since I know where this is going, it’s probably best for the world you didn’t. I hope at least you got the goods from the people being careless with their wallets and purses, as well as them collectibles. It would suck otherwise, though I must admit that it sucks anyways since the foreshadowing here is absolutely incredible and the entire set-up you’ve got going is absolutely fucking fantastic.

Chubby nerds, being morons but also geniuses since the beginnings of fandoms. I honestly, and sadly, cannot say much about rare Pokemon stuff since that is both not my forte, and I am not an avid Pokemon fan or nerd like the majority of people I know and have grown up with. In fact, the only thing I can do any good at is being mildly humorous in reviews of fanfiction, and being a massive otaku and gamer, though not a fucking pro or anything like that. You want a good fucking Displaced fic or an idea, that’s my forte.

During her "shopping spree" Angela had also managed to acquire more than a few dollars worth of other items and collectibles that would likely get her a large sum of money, not to mention her spoils from a bunch of open purses and carelessly placed wallets. All things considered, it had not been a bad day for the pickpocket, but it was still far from being the best, and Angela was beginning to get the feeling that she had better start becoming scarce before the people here finally caught on to her, if they haven't already.

Deciding to take just one last look around before leaving, Angela casually walked past various stands and tables, eyeing their wares with a critical gaze. Some of the items on them were tempting but not worth the risk, while others were under heavy scrutiny from their owners. Eventually Angela chose to just call it a day, and she began to make way towards the exit.

I think she kind of mentioned, albeit it mostly subtly, that she had robbed some other people already and grabbed some rare items. However, this does make it clearer so I’m not against it. On a sidenote, good fucking job, though very bad, because you stole this from people that might've worked hard. Though, to be honest, the majority of them probably sold other shit to buy this shit, or got the money from their moms. Honestly, my morals have no idea how to feel here and that’s concerning.

I’ve finally found what I consider a mistake, wow. Nice length of time and words before this happened and I approve. Anyways, the mistake here is that you used haven’t when hadn’t makes a bit more sense. Mostly because haven’t reads weird. Also, in this case I think past tense is best to use because you’re hypothesizing that people could have already caught onto her.

Take one last look Angela Croft, because we know what you will do. Yes, yes, criticize the items and wonder if you should steal them. Do it, for you shall make a tragic mistake and no longer rob conventions, to the benefit of others and the disappointment of yourself. I do have to say, if you can manage to take it, fucking do it. More moola. On a sidenote, are you sure you mean scrutiny? As far as I can tell, you probably mean “heavily guarded” because scrutiny means they’re feeling doubts. Either would do, as they could indeed be under investigation by the people possessing them. Feel free to mention if that’s what you meant.

Also, fuck, and also, nice fucking trick there. Seriously, that’s a good setup, making us think it happens then, but only happens later. No, that’s not sarcasm.

Just then she noticed something a little odd. There, a short distance away, an old man sat behind a desk with wire racks at his back. On them were all sorts of different items from almost every conceivable genre and science fiction series that she could recall. Among the list was a shiny Yveltal plush doll, a large and wicked looking sword, multiple replica light sabers, capes and cowls of every size and color, and the list just kept going. She even saw something that looked suspiciously like the Alicorn Amulet.

Well someone sure is eclectic in his tastes. Angela thought as she looked at them.

It seemed that the man had everything from books to boots and everything in between. As for the man himself. . . Angela was not really sure what to make of him. He was old and wrinkled with tanned skin, and he wore a strange faded robe. Her curiosity getting the better of her Angela walked over to the stand before clearing her throat to speak.

I feel odd, mostly because I’m not entirely sure I should be reviewing this because all I can do is make really shitty and pointless jokes when the fic is actually really fucking good so far. I’m not even sure if I’m a fourth of the way through this and the review is over 3,000 words including the bits of the story. That aside, I am very happy to see the Merchant and prepared for her Displacement. Not to mention, I believe you’re using him here better than most people would typically, especially considering the fact that you make him seem in character, selling damn near anything. On a sidenote, pretty sure lightsabers is one word, not two.

Alicorn Amulet is specifically mentioned? Dude, you might just be one of the best people I’ve seen yet at foreshadowing. Not even kidding, have you submitted this to Good HiE List, because it should be in there. Fuck, I’ll submit it myself if it’s not. Add this review too, so they can see my genuine first thoughts. Which, I think at this point, this is less of a review and more of fangirlish commentary. In fact, I feel pretty fucking inferior at writing at this point, *laughs* though I think this is the only fic that I’ve witnessed that I’d be willing to let crossover with Stolen Soul, and that’s saying something since I’ve told damn near everyone I know that I will only crossover with fics that are as high or higher quality than that fic.

It’s actually kind of depressing you wanted this to remain a Displaced, but at the same time, I think if I find something that makes it blatantly obvious it’s set in the same universe, I’m slamming this story in the Quality Works folder quicker than starving child could eat a single fry. So far, the Merchant makes it pretty obvious, but another mention of some sort will seal it in the gold.

Moving on, damn straight he’s eclectic in his tastes, what entity like him isn’t. On a sidenote, he even probably has really weird and kinky sex toys with him. Someone ask him that, by the way. I do love your description here too, it’s very much exactly what the Merchant could look like. I’d be curious too, for that matter.

"Excuse me," she said, her voice slightly muffled as she spoke through her mask, "but what's all this you got here?"

The man glanced up her, and Angela noticed offhandedly that there was a strange gleam in his dark eyes as he looked her up and down. Angela was not sure why, but she got the feeling that she was being judged. It was not necessarily off putting, but still she noticed it.

"This, young lady," the man said with an amount of flourish that seemed entirely unnecessary, "is a collection of all kinds of assorted items from only the rarest of sources." The man leaned in and said in a somewhat milder tone, "And, just between the two of us, everything that you see here, you can't get it anywhere else."

The realist, the realist. Fucking excellent, you think about everything when writing and I love it.

Another excellent description and details about the Merchant that are #OnPoint and I’m not joking. This is legitimately the best description of the Merchant yet and you’re making me fucking jealous and also motivated as hell to write when I’m done with this. Did I mention it’s almost 4 am and I’m doing this review? I might not sleep tonight.

Seriously, I may just binge read this fic once I write my own chapters of one of my fics, because the sheer level of writing is absolutely gorgeous and fantastic. Your description and overall feel you give the Merchant are the exact idea and thing I picture when he is mentioned, fucking amazing.

I don’t think I need to say anything more about this excerpt, and I may not even finish this chapter because it may not need it. At the same time, I may just finish it because this review will probably be one of the longest I may ever do.

That piqued Angela's interest a great deal, and she started to thing that maybe, if she played her cards right, she might be able to get away with some of these so called uber rare items. That thing that looked like a dinosaur tooth or claw hanging from one of the upper shelves by a leather strap seemed pretty interesting at least. Appearance wise it reminded Angela of the times when her father would take her to the museum when she was younger, and she would gaze up in awe the bones of once mighty creatures. Those had been fond memories for her.

Had been.

"What about that ?" she asked while pointing up to it. "That doesn't look like something worth paying a lot of money for. It looks more like someone made it in their garage."

At this the mans face became sour and his dark eyes narrowed. "Oh really? Now that is quite the thing to say, especially coming from a petty thief like yourself."

...Not a good idea, especially when it involves a Void Dweller or other god-like entity. Seriously, but anyways I should like to mention you mean she started to think, not she started to thing. And, my fucking gods, you’re actually giving background before going all the way into the fic…

Marry me? Seriously, this is fucking amazing. Moving on from that, let’s make some actual proper commentary. I really like how you use an element that would normally be something casually mentioned in the background and apply it to her backstory in such a non-invasive way. Not only is this absolutely fantastic foreshadowing you’re setting up.

The literal and sheer quality of this fic are actually making me feel hellishly motivated to write and to add this fic to the Quality Works folder and let it in, even without a key element. In fact, the existence of the Merchant is holding you right there on the precipice and I really want to push so that it makes it.

Nice attempt at haggling, bad choice for the person to haggle with. Moving on, you have another minor error. You say mans face, when it should be man’s face. I think this story’s primary problem is those minor errors and the fact people see “Displaced” somewhere on the fic and downvote immediately. Shots fired by the Merchant, will Croft fire back?

Angela's eyes widened in surprise and alarm, although her expression was hidden behind her mask, and she began to wonder with a slight amount of panic how he knew. Did he see her somehow? That did not make any sense, she was halfway across the large room when she was doing most of those things.

"I don't know what you're talking about," She said quietly, hoping he was bluffing.

"Oh, but I think you do miss," he answered with a smirk that made her feel all kinds of uncomfortable.

Angela regarded him suspiciously for a moment before she asked him, "How did you know?"

"Some security guards came by asking if I had seen anyone walking around matching your description. And I must say it is rather hard to miss. In fact, I do believe that one of those fine gentleman is standing a little ways behind you right now."

On a side note, I’m using Croft as her nickname affectionately now. By the by, you kind of mention her panic twice, but I think the format makes the way you’ve done it acceptable. Especially since it’s an accurate reaction to such an accusation, more so when you’re actually guilty of just that. Furthermore, I think making did not into didn’t would help the flow better, seeing as it’s more her thoughts on the matter rather than details about it.

“Halfway across the large room” is a bit that kind of sticks out to me because it flows odd in my head for some reason, perhaps because it lacks the detail this fic holds in huge amounts. In fact, that’s the top thing I’ve noticed about the fic so far, the level of detail is gorgeous. So, perhaps something more to this effect:

That didn’t make any sense, she was halfway across the room, which was not only very large but was also filled with a massive amount of people and stalls, when she was doing most of those things!

But like I said, that’s my opinion and the important part is if other readers or the author like it. I tend to like it when the story flows like a river, bending and winding. So, moving on…

You’re doing an excellent job building the character’s personality so far, and bouncing her personality off the Merchant’s in such a way looks very good and helps build both up as actual characters and not 2D cartoons from a children’s show.

It took all of Angela's self control to not turn around and draw more attention to herself. She settled for casually moving her head, as though she had only heard someone call her name, and indeed there was a security guard among the crowd of costumed people. It did not seem that he had spotted her just yet, but Angela knew that would change very soon if she did not leave right now. She figured that now was as good a time as any to do so, until the old man said, "Its too late for that now dear. They've got the whole place under their eyes. You wouldn't even make it to the front door." He then confused her by adding, "But there's no need to leave just yet. He has not noticed you after all."

Angela's confusion would have shown if not for her mask. Her voice however was incredulous when she said, "You're not going to give me away." It was statement rather than a question, and the old man shook his head in response. "Why?" she asked.

The smile still present on his wrinkled face the man said with a hint of smugness, "Because my dear I think that we can help each other. You see, I actually want to see you get away, and in spectacular fashion no less. I can help you do that. All you have to do is give me all of the things that you have, ahem, gained, and take this."

I’ve taken to larger chunks because if I don’t this will be a review approaching ten thousand words, if it doesn’t already do that by the time I am done. I rather like this scene, as it shows Croft is one to think about things as opposed to what we see out of most Displaced and HiE characters aplenty. Running headlong into whatever happens like a toddler runs into a street after a ball, except the difference is that you actually HOPE the character gets hit by a car. THis is also very realistic in the fact that she would most definitely already have been noticed, or at least reported.

It’s not its. And once again, excellent characterization here because the grasp on the Merchant’s personality is flawless and Angela’s following reaction is a common sense one, which shows that this character bothers to question things. I also rather like how you use the mask to add that extra level of detail, which definitely helps in forming the setting of the story as it is now.

Can I say, this is exactly what fits in the goals of the Merchant, him making mischief while also getting some beneficial to him out of it? Not to mention the trade aspect of this conversation, makes it seem all the more realistic to me, and provides an excellent opportunity for some shenanigans and other scenes.

The man reached out his hand, and in it Angela saw the same bone necklace that she had pointed out, now missing from its spot on the wire racks. This startled Angela slightly, as she had not seen even him stand to get it. She now eyed the thing suspiciously as he held it in front of her.

"How does that help me? Actually, scratch that, how does that help you? Their going to wonder why you suddenly have all this stuff."

"Leave the minor details to me," he answered vaguely as he motioned for her to rake it.

Again, Angela looked at the necklace, and wondered what she should do. On the one hand there might still be a chance that she could get away with all of the things in in her possession. But on the other hand, there was the phenomenally greater chance that she would not. Angela hated to think about what would happen if she were caught, but the more she did think about it, the more she realized how hopeless her situation was. And now here was this weird old guy offering her some form of help that had something to do with this bone necklace. Gradually Angela realized that she virtually no choice.

I believe I shall refer to this author as the king of foreshadowing at this point, because some of these set-ups are excellently done and just ring with flawless storytelling. Why in the name of the gods you continue to write fanfiction, I have no idea, but for my sake and everyone’s, along with sanity, please continue doing so. The mention of the Merchant doing something strange is another aspect of that flawless characterization.

They’re, not their. Basic school grammar, mate, but no worries. The rest of this story more than makes up for these errors which I’m pointing out like a petty bastard since I can’t make my usual sarcastic comments. Do not worry though, I shall keep making efforts.

Here’s a chance, actually. The Merchant being mysterious, how original… I actually feel guilty saying that, fuck me. Also, another error. What is she supposed to rake the necklace with, I do not believe Croft carries gardening tools with her, but she could probably as the Merchant if he could borrow one from the back.

Moving on from being a dick, here’s an excellent case of a character being faced with a dilemma and having to make a choice, which I should be loathe to mention that I see this so rarely in Displaced fics, and HiE, it’s like finding the needle in the haystack when the needle is painted the same color as the hay itself. Most fics treat a dilemma thusly.

They take the character, throw them into a convoluted situation which doesn’t always hold value to the story or the development of the characters involved and, instead of making them think and choose, they take the needle in hand. Like the angels descended from heaven, they proceed to jam it down the character’s throat, and then make the poor injured bastard shove a painfully throbbing member into Mary Sue, producing a spawn that can solve problems easier than you can offend Tumblr with a gender joke.

Begrudgingly she slipped the backpack off of her shoulders, and was about to make the trade when she said, "Hold on. You said this is going to help the both of us. How does this help you?"

The old man just smiled and said, "Oh, I have to keep some secrets."

Angela rolled her eyes and grumbled something under her breath before handing him the backpack over the counter and received the necklace without another word. Assuming that she was supposed to be wearing it Angela slipped it over her hooded head, the bone piece hanging in front of her chest.

"Okay. . . now what?" she asked.

Before the man could so much as lift a finger to answer her, they both heard a loud voice shout from behind, "Hey! You there! Don't move!"

He’s being mysterious? All he needs now is a pair of bitchin shades and to make an off-hand comment of “I don’t even have time to explain why I don’t have time to explain.” Then he would be absolutely perfect. I do like, though, how she does repeat the question as I too hate it when people don’t explain why they won’t answer, which is the primary reason I get into shitfests with my mother, she adores the “Because I said so” response to everything.

Damn straight Croft, give him some lip, the fucking jackaby deserves it at this point. On a side note, does anyone know what a jackaby is? I seem to have picked the word up somewhere and have started using it as an insult for some reason. I thought maybe I was thinking of jackalope, but that just sounds like a garbage insult. “You fucking deer thing.”

“Now what?” That’s a pretty apt reaction, though I think I’d be more weirded out by the fact this guy just made me trade out hundreds of dollars worth of stuff for a shitty dinosaur tooth necklace. Not a good trade, Croft.

Oh no, guards! I’d also like to mention, whilst this is an accurate description of what guards and police do, as far as I’ve seen, it’s kind of moronic to do this. I don’t see why you wouldn’t approach them quietly when they aren’t paying attention and grab them to prevent them from running and possibly escaping. Sure, Miranda rights, but you can say those just fine while handcuffing someone.

Angela whirled around, and to her dismay the security guard she saw had spotted her and was now moving towards her at a brisk pace. She cursed under her breath and started to make a run for it. However she did not make it more than a few yards before she was suddenly afflicted by a feeling of lightheadedness. Her vision began to swim and fade, becoming blurry, and she swayed with every step as though she were drunk. Then, Angela fell to the ground with a thud, and all she saw was darkness.

Fucking kudos, holy shit. Just getting here is half the chapter and a fantastic set up. I do have to mention it was kind of obvious he had seen her, from the shout alone. Plus, she knew where he was standing so she could have easily started running without turning around.

On a new note, this is mostly a common method of them getting sent to their new universe, the whole fainting and fading to black thing. I call it, the And…. Scene! trope, to be honest, but it’s one of the least harmful ones. While a portal appearing is also done, it is a far more jarring method and usually also has the trope in it. The sickness bit, however, is done even less so more kudos on that. Anyways, good bye Croft, hello…

The first thing Angela noticed when she finally awakened was how how much her head hurt. It was almost like someone had taken the liberty to pound on the inside of her skull with a sledgehammer.

With great effort Angela cracked her eyes open to find herself surrounded on all sides by darkness. With even greater effort she rolled onto her stomach. And with the greatest effort of all Angela slowly positioned herself to sit on her knees. During the entire process her head throbbed violently, but at least now she was able to see where she was.

The second thing Angela noticed after she woke up was how utterly dark it was.

The third were the trees. There was a great many of them, gnarled and twisted and surrounded her on all sides, the only illumination coming from the thin shafts of moonlight streaming in through the canopy, and Angela began to wonder how she had ended up here. And, more importantly, where here was.

I feel it’s necessary to note the headache thing is also a common starter to this part of the story, the arrival bit. I used it for one of my characters, yeah, but that’s for a whole nother reason. Anyways, another trope to name, as I forgot that one when making the master list which will be edited and linked should enough people request it. This trope is called… Frozen Brain Surgery in honor of Jontron.

Moving from here, I’d like to ask why she had some much effort opening her eyes when most people can do it just fine when experiencing a migraine. Sure, it hurts, but the next thing kind of makes the reason why opening your eyes can hurt during a headache obsolete. Can I ask why she had effort sitting up as well? Sure, migraines hurt like a fucking bitch, like a sledgehammer as you’ve described, but the worst they do to your ability to move, at least in my case, is fuck with my inner ear and my balance. Alright, I think it's best I ignore this because it's not a major issue and I’m just nitpicking at this point.

Very, very nice scene set-up here. It’s also, like most of this fic, worded quite well.

"Hello?" she called out. "Is anyone there?"

She waited silently, hoping for an answer. But none was forthcoming, and Angela began to feel the first stages of panic begin to settle in like a stone in her gut as frantic thoughts raced through her mind.

Where was she? How did she get here? Why was no one answering her? And why did her head hurt so much?!

Almost desperately Angela tried to organize her thoughts as they threatened to consume her, and attempted to recall the last thing she could remember.

She was at a convention. She had been. . . doing business. And then there was this old guy there. He said he could help her somehow. She had been caught. She had run. Everything else during and after that was just a blur.

No offense, Croft, but I think calling out for people like that, despite that’s exactly what anyone would do, is like a scene in a horror movie where the dumb blonde chick is at the stairs to the basement and does this: “Is anyone down there?” The Murderer: “No!” Her: “Okay!” and then she proceeds to skip down the staircase like a hippie skips through a field of marijuana.

I suppose this is a proper reaction to the situation at hand, and I really love your usage of similes here. It really gives a nice feel and flow to this story in general. That aside, I do like how you use panic here to motivate her thoughts. Panic does have a tendency to disorient a person and their common sense. I can answer at least one of these questions. The reason no one is answering you, Croft, is for the same reason it’s dark as fuck. You are in the middle of the fucking woods and quite likely, in the middle of nowhere.

Another thing I like is that, while this character seems to rely on logic primarily, it doesn’t affect her previous goals and is easily usurped in this case by her panic. Very nicely executed.

Feeling it would be wiser to get her bearings first before dwelling on the matter any further, Angela tried to stand up. However the moment she did a stabbing pain raced down her spine, causing her to fall to the ground and utter a soundless scream. It seemed like hours before it finally faded away, leaving her in a cold sweat on the forest floor. It suddenly became hard for her to breath, and she frantically hooked her fingers underneath her mask. Flinging it away she greedily sucked in great breaths of air. For a long while Angela simply lied there on the cold ground with her eyes clenched tightly, still shaking from the felling she just experienced.

It was then she heard something growling at her. And judging from the tone and pitch, it was big.

Almost too afraid to do so, Angela opened her eyes to see a hulking black, white and yellow figure skulking towards her. Its body vaguely resembled a bear of some sort, but beyond that the similarities ended.

A wise feeling that one, I like your gut instincts Croft. I do, however, question why your spine seems to be acting more fucked up than my sense of humor, but I digress. On a side note, why the fuck do people use soundless screams like this? Seriously, she could just have easily yelped and gritted her teeth or actually screamed. It fits and flows well, but it’s just odd. On a yet another note, can we question why her mask suddenly interferes with her breathing? I have no context as to why, especially when you consider that it had to have been fastened to her face this whole time, and she had absolutely no issues with it priorly. Lied is another minor error, the first in this paragraph and one of few throughout this story, that I can see at least. I believe you should have used lay.

The second issue is that felling isn’t exactly a good word choice in this instant, and I’m not actually sure if it even is a word. The program I’m using to write this review is basically screaming at me that it isn’t. I suggest using fall.

I’d just like to point out the fact that I was right about calling out for people or making any kind of noise is what will get you killed in this instance, though that won’t matter if those gang-members from down the street actually do kidnap you. Bonus point is the thing that makes me question how she knows if something is big, simply from tone and pitch? I’m pretty sure small animals can growl pretty deeply, though I’m not a biologist. Either way, it’s actually a good plot point so it’s pretty much fine.

Skulking? Is skulking a word? Odd, never actually seen it used or spelled, but I digress on that picture. Kind of gave me a weird image, but once I figured from context clues it was fine. “Black, white, and yellow”? Is it a giant bearbee that just snorted fifteen pounds of high-grade cocaine? Sounds like my kind of monster; too drugged up to even give a shit about killing me. Anyways, the detail and picture you’ve started to paint here are quite nice and I really believe I have a good sense of what’s happening.

The thing before her had an extra pair of clawed arms, a set of insect like wings that buzzed occasionally on its back, and a large abdomen not unlike that of a bee or hornet. Its compound eyes glowed a bloody red as it came nearer, and it let another growl escape from its tooth filled maw. Angela tried to get up and run, but the best she could manage was a slow crawl backwards on her rear. The bear thing growled again but did not quicken its pace. It seemed to know as much as she did that her chances of escape were virtually nonexistent. It did not help that her path was cut off when she felt her back scrape against the trunk of a tree. She was trapped now, and the bug bear bared its fangs in sadistic glee.

"No. . . please no. . ." she whimpered.

Angela closed her eyes, not wanting to witness her inevitable fate.

She opened them again as searing agony suddenly filled her entire body, but it was not caused by an attack on the bear's part. Rather, it seemed to emanate from within her very being, growing and expanding until it felt as though she would be torn apart from the inside, and she screamed long and loud. The bear's ears folded back against its head, surprised by its preys unexpected outburst, and it became vaguely aware that something was wrong, and it stayed rooted to the spot as caution replaced blood lust.

So, it was the bearbee thing that was apparently in an episode and was one of the weirdest creature designs since my little brother decided that Slenderman, Dragons, and the underside of Miley Cyrus wearing a latex swimsuit were something you put together. I named the thing Drake Cameltentacle, if you can’t tell why, go home. Anyways, I do like the realistic panicky scene this gives me.

On a note, can you maybe not split up your ellipses like that? For some reason it messes with how the story flows, and it’s also a pretty pointless thing to do. Anyways, once again, this character is excellent and I’m learning quite a bit about her from all this. For one, despite her inclinations towards theft, she’s actually quite timid, as far as I’ve inferred.

I’m not sure what to say here, it's as jarring as that time my little brother walked of his room at four in the morning hissing and growling before walking back into his room, going back to sleep like nothing happened. On a sidenote, it’s still very well written and I can tell that this is the type of jarring you wanted this bit to become. Irt really contradicts the rest of the story gives the scene a more foreboding feeling.

Angela meanwhile was in a massive amount of pain and torment. She clutched her head in a vain attempt to make it go away. Then, unexpectedly, she heard the sound of tearing fabric. She looked down at her arms to see that the edges of her sleeves had begun to split, exposing her forearms, which appearing to be growing. She did not notice, but the bug bear had decided to back away, sensing that something was indeed very wrong here, and its eyes widened in surprise and fear.

As Angela stared at herself, shaking in agony, she became even more concerned to see large growths spread across her skin, and a viscous black fluid began to leak out of every pore, covering her body in slime. Similar sensations ripped across the rest her body, and Angela, fighting to ignore the pain, desperately tried to shake the stuff off and wipe it away. But the feeling became too unbearable for her to endure, and she could do nothing more than fall onto her side and writhe on the ground.

As if that was not bad enough, these feelings were then followed by the sensation of every bone in her body breaking and moving within her her flesh. Her skull, shoulder blades, and the base of her spine in particular felt the brunt of it, and for a little while Angela just lied there, her rapidly growing form enveloped in a shroud of black slime, hoping desperately that she would just pass out.

And then, everything stopped. The night air that had once been filled with the cries of agony were now deathly silent.

In all seriousness, I can understand why and like I said, I can tell you want this scene to hold that extreme sense of jarring that it’s acquired. By the by, I understand her pain is agonizing, but her focus is untouched? Pain can be one hell of a distraction, especially when it comes from nowhere. I think the bugbear is having a logical animalistic reaction to this, as I can pretty much guess what’s happening now.

Okay, that’s a mildly disturbing thought and I can completely understand the thoughts of Croft here. Kind of makes my own skin crawl just thinking about it. I also like how she fights it, but it overwhelms her, can’t have her grit her teeth and bear through it, weakness is a key element to any character even one as simple as this.

If I can make a comparison here, it’s that the sensations she is feeling is like Polyjuice Potion, just with the actual pain Polyjuice seems to cause, even though we have plenty of indications it’s actually only mildly uncomfortable. The scene you’re painting here, despite it’s cringe worthy imagery, and that’s cringe in the ouch and ew ways, is one done quite excellently. I also think her desire to pass out is another good point of how someone would actually react.

The final bit here would’ve been a killer way to end the chapter, and would have most definitely held people’s attention until you published the next chapter. Heck, even if they didn’t read the third, I am quite certain they’d go on to read the second. By the by, the last sentence here reads kind of strangely, though I get what your aim is. “The night air that had once been filled with powerful cries of agony was now as silent as the wing of a barn owl, nothing stirred.” Or something like that, I realize that’s kind of imposing my opinion, but you should get the gist.

The bug bear, thinking that the gruesome display was finally over, slowly inched forward, sniffing the air. Then, the thing that was going to be its prey stirred, and the slime that covered it slid away to reveal smooth pale skin. It then began to stand, rising up and up and up until it now towered over the bug bear, which backed away in alarm and fright, suddenly wishing it had stayed in the upper levels of Tartarus. The thing that now stood above it looked like something from a foals nightmare, resembling the human it had once been in only the vaguest sense.

The pain was now over. Finally, blessedly, over, and Angela breathed a sigh of relief, staring upward at the sky. But something felt. . . different, somehow. She was not sure why, or if the feeling was even necessarily wrong, only that it was different. A sound interrupted the feeling, and Angela looked down to see that the bug bear was now cowering as it backed away, its compound eyes wide with fear as it stared at her. Did it get smaller somehow? Angela did not know, nor did she particularly care at the moment. She only remembered that she had been backed into a corner by the thing, and a flurry of emotions and feelings flooded her mind as a result. Fear was among them, yes; fear for her life. But it was smothered by the the feeling of anger and fury at it that it had tried to kill her.

I admit, the terminology you used here for the bear kind of made me laugh, and was kind of a relief when compared to the rest of the paragraph. Anyways, the bug bear is being moronic, it should seem. In this case, I believe most people would be screaming, “Run, hideous freak of nature, run!” at their screens as they realized what is happening. On a note, I rather like how you personified the bug bear and its thoughts momentarily, really gives a nice sense of the feeling Croft has started giving to it. “Foal’s nightmare,” I think you mean here, but like I said, when I point out these flaws I’m kind of being petty. Excellent flow continues.

I rather like her actions in this first little bit, to be honest. It gives me the sense that Croft has a belief in something supernatural, or at least more powerful than herself and let’s me think about the character as an actual person. Seriously, this is amazing.

Oh, I also like this bit here. Once again, strong emotions fight against the character’s logic and common sense in a realistic way, they successfully overpower her when she’s weak, and boy almighty am I really liking this fic so far. I do, however, like the fact she still feels fear, because it suddenly disappearing would be unrealistic, though her powerful reaction is pretty accurate to what a real, normal person, would feel. Keep this up, you most definitely deserve those likes.

And, oddly enough, hunger.

Oh the hunger. How it demanded that she satisfy it, to tear the beasts flesh off of its bones as it would have done to her and feed on the remains, to not even bother chewing but instead flay the thing alive with her will and inhale it.

Not really sure what was happening or where the feeling came from, Angela became a prisoner of her own instincts as she crouched low to the ground.

The bear, sensing what was about to happen, promptly turned to run in the opposite direction, and its wings buzzed furiously as it prepared to fly to safety.

Angela did not allow it to get far. Letting out an ear piercing shriek that shattered the night air, this time out of rage and fury, she pounced.

Now this, this is something else. I am actually quite in awe here, as you’ve shown that her metamorphosis truly affected her, as it very well should. “Beast’s” by the by. And, can I just say, this is an absolutely amazingly insightful scene? It gives such feel to how the character is feeling and makes her even more relatable, or understandable, which is a key point to a character. Fiction, with a touch of realism, that’s the perfect way to go.

I also like how the instincts of her new body take her over so easily, as most people approach this much in the same manner they do with dilemmas, aka, they show they didn’t muse or brainstorm, or in some cases, that they care less than a child in candy store does about cavities.

"Did you hear that?"

Roughshod's ears twitched in response to Star Mix's question, and he turned to regard the mare next him. The two ponies stood on top of a twenty foot high wall made of tree logs as they stared out at the tree line more than thirty yards away. High above them Luna's moon provided a considerable amount of light for them to see by. It was almost enough that they did not even need to use torches. However the forest of trees that ringed the town of Hollow Shades was as dark as ever.

"Yeah. I heard it," the earth pony stallion quietly answered as he scrutinized the tree line. They had both heard it; the sound of a predator of the night attacking its prey, followed by the unmistakable squeal of some hapless creature as it was killed.

"Do you think that was it? Do you think that was the bug bear?"

This scene shift literally couldn’t have come at a better time, it’s an excellent way to introduce the planned setting you have thought out. Furthermore, you seem to have come up with yet another fantastic scene set-up, as I can quite easily picture Roughshod and Star Mix looking out from that wall with a town behind them. The wording here is, as common throughout this fic, quite something indeed. And, the subtle introduction of the town name? Very nicely done, I must say.

I must ask, do you live near a forest? They say write what you know, and this seems to be coming to you like painting did to Van Gogh, or the laws of physics did to Newton and Einstein. It’s absolutely breath-taking to think of this scene set-up.

Also, I really hope you can subtly insert why they know of the bug bear, it’d be the icing on the cake if so.

Roughshod shook his head before saying to the unicorn mare next to him, "No. I don't think so. This was different."

Just then something in the distance caught his attention. Star Mix noticed it too, and she brought up a telescope with her magic to see what it was as her single spiral horn glowed a faint emerald.

"It looks like something spooked a whole bunch of birds over in the the East," she said. Putting the telescope down she asked, "You want to head out there in the morning to check it out?"

The gray coated stallion briefly considered the proposal before he answered, saying, "I'll bring it up with the mayor when my shift ends. For now lets just keep an eye on things, make sure nothing gets the the jump on us."

"Alright," Star Mix answered, nodding her head. "I just hope that it turns out to be nothing. We already have enough on our plates with that bug bear running around, causing havoc in the orchard."

The first line in this next bit bugs me, pardon the pun, simply because its wording is all too off when compared with the rest of the story. To me, this reads as present tense. And, I actually think it’s a genuine error, simply for the lack of the word it next to saying. I believe you meant to put “speaking” here.

Kind of another convenient event here, and I say kind of. This is because this bit here is actually well placed and is merely convenient simply because the spot it takes place, otherwise it actually makes perfect sense happening when it does. From a storytelling standpoint, this is a very good spot to place this, as it doesn’t affect any of the point you want to get up.

On a sidenote, I see an opportunity for either foreshadowing, or keying us into what these ponies positions are for the town. The mention of a telescope here gives the clue they’re either guards or watchponies, however, you could have subtly mentioned the telescope being at her hooves.

You have two thes here, by the way. It’s merely the East, which I should mention doesn’t need to be capitalized unless it’s meant in some literal way. That aside, maybe add a comma between down and she asked, as it might flow better and separate the action from the dialogue, which I suggest because it zips through both as it currently is.

“Let’s” not lets, by the by. Anyways, I rather like how you used this to give us more details to their physical appearances, very well done here. Another double the, and I see an instance where a character induced Murphy’s Law, which I think is the thing I’m thinking of. Also, there is that amazingly delicious icing I was hoping for, you told us why the bug bear was mentioned. However, the wording here sits weird as well. I believe that a better method of doing this, unless you means it’s still in the orchard, though I’m fairly certain you don’t and that that can be gathered correction aside, maybe making it “We already have enough on our plates with that bug bear running around, especially with it causing havoc in the orchard earlier." Though I recognize that my suggestion isn’t the best and the wording is acceptable otherwise.

It had been over two weeks since the monster had been spotted by the ponies living in the Canterhorn mountain range, most notably around the little town of Hollow Shades, and she had received an anonymous letter in Ponyville informing her of the occurrence. It did not take much for the mare to guess that it came from the former head of the agency, and she had been almost ecstatic about the chance to recapture it. In less than a day she had everything she needed packed up and ready to go. Lyra of course had been a little upset by her sudden decision to go on a camping expedition in the mountains north of Canterlot, but thankfully the unicorn did not press her for an explanation.

Bon-Bon swore that one of these days she would no longer be able to stand the guilt of lying to her friend for so long about her past, and the truth would just come flying out. But that day was hopefully still far in the future. For now Bon-Bon just focused on the task at hoof.

She had been tracking the bug bear for almost two weeks now, yet during that time it seemed to have grown wise to her pursuing it, and was now keeping a low profile. Apparently it was not a low enough profile, because the ponies of Hollow Shades still spotted it lurking around orchards every once in a while. This helped Bon-Bon tremendously in tracking it, but so far she had yet to actually find the beast.

I’ll admit, I’m starting to get tired. Not because of the fic, but because I’ve been actively working on this since like two am, and it is now nearly seven am. I do like the fact that you used Bon-Bon, as she is painfully underused in HiE and Displaced as a character, but I must argue for the fact that this scene could easily have been started at the time she received the letter. Also, I’d like to ask why it came from the former head, but, I’m willing to guess that this is another case of foreshadowing, so I’ll digress again. And, the mention of Lyra, I also rather like this. Not because Lyra x Bon-Bon, but because it’s an insight into Bon-Bon’s life before this event. And the mention of what she used as an excuse? Fucking gold, in the aspect that it’s yet another insight into the characters.

Once again, beautiful foreshadowing. Although, it is more obvious here than usual, I still rather like the fact you even use it at all.

Two weeks? Damn, that’s a long time, especially if it’s actually Croft that she’s pursuing. Not a bad timeskip, though maybe a bit less content than it could have had. On a side note, I’d actually prefer clarification on when this is actually happening, and you can respond in a comment. And, I’m sorry, but how do glimpses help, especially if they’re “in the orchard”? Is the orchard all around the town or just one area? An area, I could see helping minorly, but not tremendously.

I think I’m getting more skeptical and critical as I get more tired and I must apologize.

But no matter what Bon-Bon would not let it get away, not this time. It was a matter of personal pride that she be the one to bring it down. As to how she would do that. . . she had a few tricks up her sleeve.

It was just then that Bon-Bon heard a cringe inducing shriek echo through the trees, and the mare was on full alert before she even recognized it as not belonging to the bug bear. She did not let her guard down though. Even if the bear was her top priority, she knew there were other predators, like wolves, that could do her in if she was not careful.

Still, not once had she ever heard a cry like that before, and it set Bon-Bon on edge that she was unable to identify it. She was probably letting her curiosity get the better of her, which was a dangerous thing to do given the situation, but she knew her mind would not let her rest until she found out what caused it. Changing her direction Bon-Bon angled herself to where the noise came from.

Not a minute later the screech was followed by the unmistakable sound of an all too familiar growl.

It was the bug bear! She had found it!

Adrenaline pumping, Bon-Bon took off at a gallop, not even bothering with stealth anymore. Presently she came across a small clearing in the trees, with the branches obscuring the light of Luna's moon, and skidded to a halt, eyes widening at what she was seeing.

She had found the bug bear, true. But what she also found filled the earth pony mare with horror and dread at what she was witnessing, and all she could mutter was, "Sweet Celestia. . ."

I admit, I am going to rush this bit so we can actually get this done without me collapsing from exhaustion or something. I like Bon-Bon’s curiosity, but she most definitely rushes into this faster a roadrunner on speed. The end is a bit of a cliffhanger, and I like it.

Author’s Note:

Once upon a time, I went my cousins house, and he showed me this great game called Evolve. Needless-to-say I immediately began to think of a way of incorporating one of games' terrifyingly awesome monsters into a My Little Pony fic.

I have a strange mind, don't I? Not the strangest, not by a long shot, but strange.

Of course any who have played the game should be able to guess pretty accurately which monster Angela turned into. To those people I respectfully ask that you not give anything away in the comments, or to at least use the spoilers when you comment. Much appreciated.

Also, feel free to check out my other story, Disease of the Soul, and tell me what you think of it.

As always, let me know in the comments if you see any errors.

I do like how you tell us when and how you got the idea, thank you. And, we write pony fanfiction, don’t we all have strange minds? I most definitely need to play Evolve at some point, but I digress.

I may just check out that other story. And, when you asked me to do this review, I thought it was just another edgy teenager asking for me to check out their fanfiction, but holy fucking shit was I wrong as fuck.

Let me finish by saying this. This fic was fucking amazing, it was well written and extremely intriguing. Reading this thing and the fact you let me do this review on it is a gods-damned pleasure. Welcome to Good HiE List, Dilos1, and welcome to Displaced Quality Works folder, you know damn well you deserve it.

FunFact: 11,447 words and 23 pages. Even at 10% zoom, it took me five minutes to copy paste from G-docs, and all that was just highlighting it for copying. Also took over five and a half hours to complete.

Comments

[kris664]

Grade A review, I'll say that while this review was long, I was intruiged and maybe I'll even read the fic myself just to see what more happened