The Secret Comes to Light Review. · 7:31am Jan 11th, 2017
No intro and outro videos this time... first off I don't have anything ready for general fanfics... second, these three stories do not deserve them.
I try to be reasonable with my reviews, until now I've limited myself to just Fallout: Equestria fanfics, and I haven't actually tackled anything truly bad, this changes tonight. These reviews aren't going to be very common, but I wanted to do this about these three reviews specifically for several reasons.
The author in question is FluttershyIsBestPony, they've done a lot of writing, and while I haven't read all of it, these three fics don't exactly fill me with confidence.
So what's the issue with these fanfics? Well lets find out.
---Part 1: Caught---
So we start out with Rarity seated at a table reading a fashion magazine when she gets a knock at the door, of course she's not currently expecting any guests and its not like she runs a business out of her home or anything (oh wait she does). When she opens the door she finds Twilight standing outside, who asks if she can come inside. Rarity ushers her inside and offers her a seat, then Twilight says that she needs to tell Rarity something.
"The other day I saw Sweetie Belle outside. She was hanging around a few fillies and talking to somepony." Twilight said preparing to tell Rarity what she saw. Rarity listened closely to try and understand what happened.
"When all the fillies left she continued talking to this one other filly and as I watched...." Twilight stopped as she paused as she prepared herself to tell Rarity what happened. She took a deep breath and spoke.
"She kissed the filly on the lips Rarity." Twilight stated. Rarity could not believe what she had heard. Her own sister kissed another filly. Her mind could not comprehend it. She tried to come up with a response.
Yep, that's right, Twilight Sparkle, the freakin' princess of friendship, just outed Sweetie Belle to Rarity, no explanation as to why, no preamble, she just says it, and then tells Rarity that Sweetie Belle is probably a Fillyfooler. And with that Twilight leaves Rarity to go over her thoughts, and we get our first real problem with the story.
While Twilight did not do anything other than tell Rarity what she saw and what it probably meant, this does not feel logical or even in character for her. Twilight Sparkle is the Princess of Friendship and the personal student of Princess Celestia, I'm not going to say that she's perfect, but she would probably have handled this situation a little differently. However I will get to Twilight shortly, this time, lets focus on Rarity.
Sweetie Belle arrives not long after Twilight left, Rarity talks to her in a harsh tone of voice and tells her to sit down. Rarity tells Sweetie that Twilight told her about what she had seen, and when Sweetie Belle says that she's in love with this other filly, Rarity has this to say:
"No! I will not have that unnatural behavior in my house! Love should between Mares and Stallions!
Sweetie Belle don't tell me you've been hanging out with those two filly foolers Lyra and BonBon! Did they put you up to this!!?" Rarity yelled. Sweetie Belle was shaking and crying.
Being angry at your sister for loving mares instead of stallions... Linkara, I'm going to need your help for this!
Video belongs to Linkara.
And, this is where we get the major flaw with these stories, ALMOST EVERYPONY IS ACTING COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER! Rarity, the element of generosity, the pony who is literally in love with the concept of romance and love itself, is shaming her little sister just because she's into girls. There is no logical reason for her actions either in character or out of character, there is no reason for her to act like this at all. This exists for one simple reason, to create conflict, a conflict that feels forced, and has no real reason to exist.
I'm going to set aside my reviewer persona for a moment and I'm going to talk to you personally. I'm a lesbian, I've known this since I was in High School, and I willingly came out to my family a few years ago. We live in a world that does have certain expectations and certain beliefs that indeed do make it hard for people like me. I was lucky, I have a loving and supportive family who doesn't care about that kind of thing (with the possible exception of my Grandmother, but no one talks to her anymore).
My Little Pony is a show built on the concept of friendship and tolerance, yes it has some bumps in the road like Zecora, but for the most part, Equestria is a pretty open minded place. Add onto the fact that the characters in this fanfic include the Elements of Harmony, the very characters that are heralded as the representations of friendship and harmony, and some of them are shown as being homophobic, and this fanfic is filled with mistakes and mischaracterizations that destroy any possibly good elements to the fanfic.
This series of fanfics, according to the author, is supposed to be about coming out to your family and being met with hatred, except its not. This fanfic is about a young girl being forced out of the closet and then facing hatred just because she doesn't love the same way as her sister, and then, it gets even worse.
Thank you for indulging me a little on that, now lets get back to the fanfic itself... this is going to be painful.
Sweetie Belle tries to insist that there's nothing she can do about it, Rarity basically tells her that if she wants to marry a mare in the future that's her business, but as long as Sweetie Belle is living under her roof, then she won't allow that kind of thing. Sweetie Belle tries to insist that they're just like any other couple, and Rarity threatens to kick her out if Sweetie Belle's fillyfriend ever comes visit.
And honestly Sweetie Belle is thinking exactly what I'm thinking, she can't believe that Rarity is acting so ignorant. She agrees to what Rarity demanded, then Rarity storms off and slams the door. And then, we get this line:
Rarity sent Twilight a letter telling her about what she said to Sweetie Belle. Twilight wrote back aknowledged her decision about the situation and told Rarity however she responded was okay.
No... no.... just, no, Twilight Sparkle would NEVER say that the way Rarity treated Sweetie Belle was okay. You might think that this was just a misunderstanding on Twilight's part, but you're about to see that its not.
Lets move on.
---Part 2: Defending Sweetie Belle---
This, is where things start to in some ways go up in quality, but in other ways just compounds onto the problems of the original fanfic. There are at least this time characters who actually act like they should be acting, but that's not going to change the fact that many characters do not.
We start out with Sweetie Belle in her room feeling very understandably upset about the fact that Rarity is being a homophobic bigot. She's afraid that she will be subjected to conversion therapy, which would for obvious reasons be even more out of character for Rarity than she's already acting. She also wonders why Twilight told Rarity without talking to her about it first, and well, yeah that's a completely valid question given again, we are talking about the Princess of Friendship.
This is arguably the best moment of the entire fanfic series, Sweetie Belle is sitting alone crying as she faces an uncertain future. This feels natural, for the situation at least, she's afraid of what's going to happen, and as the reader your heart goes out to the little filly. And with that, she leaves Carousel Boutique, realizing that her sister must have left, when she laves she is met with snickers from many of the townsponies. It seems that Rarity and Twilight have told the entire town because ponies start to circle around her with the snickering.
"Well well well if it isn't the disgraced sister!" Twilight remarked. Sweetie Belle then saw her own sister. A member she came to trust but now that trust was gone. She saw Rarity and a whole bunch of towns ponies surrounding her.
Twilight, may I remind you that YOU ARE THE FRAKKING PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP, IT IS LITERALLY IN YOUR TITLE!
It seems like the entire town is ganging up on Sweetie Belle, I can maybe give Applejack a little bit of a pass because she's stubborn and would possibly have a more traditional upbringing, but even then it doesn't feel right. There is literally, no logical reason for any of these characters to act like this, they're literally all being used as straw-men for homophobia.
I'm going to step aside for a moment and explain to you a flaw with this whole thing. If you look at the show itself it seems that mares actually outnumber stallions by a large number, so unless polygamy is more widespread in Equestria, there is literally not enough stallions to go around, so actually being attracted to mares might not be considered completely unusual. For that reason, THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
The ponies tease poor Sweetie Belle more and laugh at her, Rarity basically calls her out on it saying that it means the family won't be expanded, may I remind you Rarity that you had a crush on Prince Blueblood who turned out to be a colossal jerk. And now, we get the absolute worst moment in the fanfic, that's right, we haven't gotten there yet. This line right here is the absolute worst thing in the fanfic:
"I can't believe you went to my party! Disgusting freak!" Applebloom shouted. They all laughed even more at her. Sweetie Belle was sobbing and shaking. She wanted to escape their glances but couldn't.
I can't put how bad this is into words, Nostalgia Critic I need to borrow you!
Video belongs to the Nostalgia Critic.
Okay, I'm going to explain exactly why this is a bad moment now that I've said that. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have a close relationship and bond beyond that of just being friends. Their destines are intertwined because of the fact that they got their cutie marks together, but more than that... these are three fillies who have been subjected to bullying and teasing on numerous occasions. They would never treat each other like this, this is the absolute worst moment in the fanfics just because it not only feels out of character, but it feels like it completely ignores the character arc that the Cutie Mark Crusaders went through over 5 seasons.
There aren't enough words to describe how I feel about this, I'm just going to move on before I get mad.
Thankfully, its at this point that the voice of reason finally arrives, Princess Celestia. Celestia seeing what's going on, demands to know what's happening and when Rarity tells her, she's shocked, and even more so when Twilight says that its disgusting.
"How dare you! How dare you pick on a defenseless pony who's gay!" Celestia said. Twilight grew furious and walked right up towards her and she tried to stare Celestia down.
"Fuck you! You can't tell me what to do!!" Twilight yelled. Celestia could not believe the once good filly had turned into intolerant bigot
"Twilight I can't believe your doing this! Your not being the pony I have taught! Your not being the pony I love! You should be ashamed of yourself!" Celestia said. Twilights anger was at a boiling point.
Celestia is completely in the right here, I don't have to explain again that Twilight is acting completely out of character. Also the cursing seems a bit extreme, but its not the actual problem so I'm not going to focus on it.
Celestia is shocked of course and tells Twilight that she should be ashamed of herself, only to have Twilight scream at her that she needs to stop interfering with her life and that Sweetie should die in Tartarus. As Twilight continues on her bigoted rant, they're joined by more ponies who come to help protect and comfort Sweetie Belle.
Its at this point Twilight tells Lyra that she hopes that she and BonBon die... that's just, wrong on so many levels I'm sorry. Rainbow Dash, being the spirit of loyalty, is acting in character and comes to Sweetie Belle's defense, also admitting that she herself is into mares. Celestia then tells Rarity that a restraining order has been put onto her so she can't get close to Sweetie Belle again, and honestly this was probably the best choice.
And then Twilight screams a lot of things that I am not going to repeat. After some more, Celestia finally snaps and screams at them to get back and threatens to have them all tried for filly abuse. Twilight gets in one last scream, spits in Celestia's eye, and gallops away.
Sweetie Belle thanks all of them for helping her and we get this, actually pretty good line from Rainbow Dash:
"No need to say thank you Sweetie Belle it was the right thing to do! I am loyal. And this time it wasn't to TwIlight it was to you. What she said to me and you were wrong!"
After that Fluttershy agrees to take Sweetie Belle in, and we actually manage to end on a little bit of a sweet moment, its not perfect, but its a little sweet.
We still have one more thing to go through, lets see if things actually manage to improve a little.
---Regretting Their Actions---
Okay, the fanfic basically starts out as a recap of the previous two fanfics with Sweetie Belle staying at Fluttershy's and reflecting back on what had happened before. She also wonders what this will mean for the Mane Six since they where divided by the issue of Sweetie Belle's sexuality.
Then we cut to Rarity who is back in Carousel Boutique, she seems to be glad that there isn't a lot of backlash for what she had done, and she's even disgusted that ponies had come to Sweetie Belle's defense. She also seems to think it was a bad idea to introduce Sweetie Belle to Lyra and BonBon so long ago, which is really kinda stupid it doesn't really make sense to me, but intolerance rarely does.
And its at this point we get, kind of an iffy moment for me:
While she was near her dresser she saw a picture that caught her eye. It was a picture of her her and Sweetie Belle. She picked it up and looked at it. She sat down with it in her hands and noticed that it was a picture taken during happier times. Her eyes widened as she was a note on it that said "Me and my precious big sister."
It made Rarity think of all the times she would comfort her sister or hang out with her sister. She also realized how homophobic she was and how mean she was to her own sister.
Okay, points to the author for having Rarity regret her actions, that's not a bad thing to do, the problem is that it really feels like it comes out of nowhere. This is the big problem with the third fanfic, while Rarity at least feels like she's coming back into character, the fanfic itself is poorly paced.
Anyway, Rarity finds Lyra and apologizes, Lyra is still a bit hesitant, which you really can't blame her for, but she does forgive her, again showing the pacing issue with this fanfic. Rarity then goes to Fluttershy's place to talk to Sweetie Belle, and she's of course stopped at the door. Rarity even actually tries to bribe the guard, which admittedly is a bit extreme but it shows she's desperate at this point, she's allowed in and she runs over to Sweetie Belle.
"Sweetie I'm sorry! I know you have no right to believe me but I'm regretting what I did. I outed you out and made you miserable! I humiliated you and it wasn't right I'm so sorry! I love you! It's perfectly normal to be gay! There's nothing wrong with it! Your my sister and I love you! I was looking at a picture of you and me together and it made me realize how wrong I was! I was wrong I was so wrong! I'm regretting it!" Rarity cried as she apologized. Sweetie Belle thought about what Rarity was saying. Rarity did seem to be regretful.
Rarity agrees to allow Sweetie Belle's marefriend over and Sweetie forgives her. Over the next few days the other townsponies start to come around, even Twilight. And, well, again it feels badly paced, you don't see the moments of realization for any of the other characters, not even Apple Bloom and that would make the most sense.
Putting the pacing aside... its not a bad idea, there is a reconciliation, and realization of mistakes, but it just doesn't work as a finale because of its issues.
---Final Thoughts---
These fanfics are the worst fanfics I've ever had to read, I'm not even going to sugarcoat it, these are bad. They make no sense on a character level and they are honestly kinda offensive on a personal level as a lesbian because it handles it badly.
The writer didn't want it to be homophobic or a troll fic, so any of this wasn't on purpose, it was just really badly handled. There's a lot of things that could have been done a lot better, and this fanfic fails to do so.
Setting all of that aside, which is admittedly hard, this fanfic is really badly written. Its filled with spelling and grammar mistakes, and honestly, the writer really needs to improve that. I know I'm not the best either, but I at least try hard to do this.
I'm really the last person to talk about acting out of character, but there's always a logical reason for it in m y fics or the fics I read like Fallout: Equestria. This just, doesn't give that.
I give part 1 a score of -3/5.
I give part 2 a score of 0/5.
I give part 3 a score of 1/5.
I don't know when I'll be doing this again or what I'll be doing, but its probably going to be better than this.
The problem with reviewing a fic like this is you're either feeding a troll, or mocking a mentally handicapped person.
4378420 Okay, I can't speak to the mental status of the author, but this fic is not intended to be trolling. Ultimately their problem really is that they write too fast and don't think their stories through well enough, and I'm not the only one who thinks so. The review is pretty much to give them honest feedback so they can write better, that's why I did this review, and I hope that they listen.
4378713
Oddly this is more respectful then what you normaly see. Some people just insult and think that works in helping.
4378713 But of all the fics there that could use proper reviewing, why pick the one which, at first glance, spells out "bad."
In my opinion, reviews are directed towards the improvement of the writers as well as critically examining "what went wrong" "what went right" and "what just happened?" They are made to explore the readers idea of the fiction with regards to their personal feelings and the objective elements of the read. Bottom line is, you thoroughly rip apart the elements of the story one by one and show the people where you think and how you think it went wrong or right.
But, this fic, or any of the author in question's fic, can literally summed up in one sentence. B-A-D, you don't have to be a writer from Harvard Business Review to see exactly what went wrong. Here let me show you an example.
"The story needs improvement in all major areas: grammar, spelling, characterization, and etc." One sentence, all the right pieces.
For the remedy, you can also sum it in one sentence.
"Please take careful note how you execute your ideas. For grammar, don't be afraid to seek help from a textbook or from an author that you like. Read your favorite stories and, if possible, imitate their style of handling their writing..." etc.
For a fic this bad, you don't have to pick out which elements are bad because generally ALL of them are.
Don't mistake me, I am not defending the author, but for some reason this review makes me feel like some sort of gratifying experience for you— like it gives you the sense of superiority and solidifies and holds your self-ego. If I am mistaken, ignore this message. But there are many people I know who desperately pick out the worst fics to comment and judge because they want to feel all glorious and holy by pointing out the mistakes of fics which are so full of them.
Bottom line is, this fic (or fics) don't need long ass reviews which just more or less repeat what everyone can tell from glancing at the fics themselves. Just chuck in a small sentence and you'll be fine.
Save your reviews for fics that seem more reasonable.
4378740 Thank you, I admit I was pretty harsh, but from what I understand this is a recurring problem for the author. These reviews are supposed to be to help authors get better, which is why I chose to review this. And yeah, this is pretty bad, but I really didn't want to just insult the fanfic. That's not what I do as a reviewer, when I will have to tackle any fanfic good or bad, I will approach it fairly and unbiased.
4378749
But yes i thought you were just doing fallout stories reviews this is a bit strange but still I read it. Sounds like how I used to be before.. I played wow and rped in it for 12 years.
4378747 This isn't my first review, this is my first review of a bad fanfic, before now I've only reviewed Fallout: Equestria stories that as you say, feel more reasonable.
This review is not for ego, this review is to highlight the problems that the author has so that they can do better, in my opinion that's what a reviewer does. I've only reviewed good fanfics prior to this, my ego was never a consideration.
4378760 I'm still doing Fallout stories, I decided to branch out a little on occasion.
4378766
Hmm I see this review as very helpful. No insults very respectful.
4378773 Thank you, glad to see someone gets it.
4378777
I am not a brony like I tell folks and..I bluntly point out that this sight would be better if folks are more open and respectful about what they dislike and don't like about the story.
4378782 if you actually go down to the comments on these fanfics, I pretty much say exactly what I think about them. I was hoping that the author would listen then and try to do better... it, didn't quite work out as I had hoped as you can see (and was compounded in a fourth fanfic not connected to these 3 which was basically the same plot only even more rushed).
4378791
Rushing is normal of course. But I do agree i am sure the person who writes will listen..But at least your more respectful then the people that post on their stories.
4378794 The author has said that they're going to slow down.
4378802
I have read the stories and oddly i can understand what is going on...thanks to how strange my brain is. Living through a stroke when your younger..You see things alot differently then most folks.
4378806 I do get what the author wanted to do with these three fanfics, the problem is the execution was awful.
4378814
heh I do agree but still pretty good story in the story itself if it was done without the rushing.
4378818 Eh... it probably would've worked better with OCs or if they toned down the OOC behavior.
4378822
Lol i don't know why I used Twilight Starlight and Sunset in another story..and I am turning Twilight into a crazy insane dictator and sunset into a evil scientest that wants power..and Starlight A cyborg.. But eh anyway moo.
4378826 OOC behavior is fine when executed well... this wasn't well.
good review nothign wrong with venting
I'm sorry I haven't commented yet. I know I haven't improved. The characters are out of character and Twilight wouldn't really act like that neither would Rarity. Maybe I have no right to reply here but is am. I just wanted to potray the situation of coming out since I'm bisexual myself and I wanted to reflect a situation that happened recently which I will not get into But anyway I did it in the wrong way which I didn't mean to be offensive which if it was I'm sorry. I wrote Rarity out of character whoch I shouldent have
4381136 No one is perfect, the most you can do at the moment is move on and hope that you can improve in the future.
4381143 Thats what I'm trying to do thanks for the review
4381148 You're welcome, thanks for not taking it the wrong way, I know I was harsh.
4381156 No acts alright you weren't harsh
Ran into this by random and I have to say. I agree with every part of the review. The sad part is, I told him/her the exact same thing about offending people. Now to his/her credit, I can't event handle this type of subject. Not to say I can't write it, but it takes a lot of care and tact to do such a task. While I'm on the subject, do you take requests or do you do things at random?
4387611 Honestly both, I do take requests, but I often do things at random too.
4387624 Ah. Well... Then would you mind reviewing Feeling Helpless? It's one of my few highly liked stories. Don't worry, it's roughly 2.5K words so it's not very long(witch can be said for most of my stories).
Thank you for adding it. I hope it's to your liking.
4387630 Well I have a few more planned for now, so won't be for awhile.
4387647 I understand.
4387648 As for your comments earlier, yeah... I'm hoping that they at least try to get better but... yeah.
4387675 it's been awhile. How have you been?
4595028 Good.
4595031Can't believe it's been ages since we've talked lol
4595036 Heh, yeah.
4595039 I almost feel bad. Well, would but it's not to bad. You seem to be doing well
4595041 I try my best.
4381136 D-Did you remove those stories? *searches for them* You did... dang it. Now what am I suppose to do with the story I wrote revolving around(loosely said) it? I had a perfectly good idea that could've worked and now without it, it'll be lost in context... Great.
4721496 I apologize
4721496 Honestly, I think this is three fanfics that should stay buried, but its up to you.
4721586 No,I agree with you there. It's just I had an interesting idea revolving Sweetie Bell's dilemma and while AU, I believe I could've made an interesting(you know, just written better. Yes, it's bragging but considering the circumstances, I believe I can). I could show you the draft if you like.
4721577 It's just infuriating because without it, the story will be completely lost in context. Not your fault. Just waited to late.
4721635 Eh, just write it and don't associate it with this, that's what I suggest.
4721644 It's loosely based on it so it's impossible to not mention it...
4721660 Eh, its up to you.
4721666 I've got an editor for it now(one that has seen these stories) so it should work to an extent. I'll link it here so they can at least see what I was rewriting from...