• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2016
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The Bricklayer


Slow down, you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be, before your time... -Vienna, The Stranger: Billy Joel. (Any Pronouns)

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  • 115 weeks
    Happy New Year

    And let's make it a good one eh?

    4 comments · 353 views
  • 115 weeks
    Happy New Year

    And let's make it a good one eh?

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  • 123 weeks
    *eye roll*

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  • 126 weeks
    So where I've been

    Okay, uh... how do I begin this? Well, I suppose I should start with the obvious. Yes, I've been distracted. If you follow me on Archive that should be obvious. And if you don't, you totally should btw. Yes, I'm shameless.

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  • 133 weeks
    Final chapter up

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    1 comments · 383 views
Jan
9th
2017

Story Review: A New Home by APoeticHeart: Prologue · 9:17pm Jan 9th, 2017



Okay, this review has been a long time coming. This time I'll be reviewing the famously well known "A New Home" by the undeniably talented writer and poet with the apt name APoeticHeart. He is an actual poet with a Youtube channel of him reading poems. Seriously, his first story on here was a collection of poems about Equestria. Here, I'll link to you that as well if you're interested. (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81866/the-land-of-equestria-a-poets-journey) Now, if you're not familiar with the New Home series, and for some reason you've been living under a rock, or let's say, in a cave, I'll give you a bit of background. The story revolves around Toby Mason, a young boy who ran away from his... (Well, because the story I'm reviewing is E-Rated, I'll have to put this delicately instead of what I really want to say.) shall we say, not cut out to be a father... Um, father. Yikes, that was a pretty good example of the Department of Redundancy Department.:twilightsheepish: He ends up in Equestria and ends up adopted by our very own Element of Kindness, Fluttershy and goes through many trials including facing up to his father and Equestria's darkest foes and ones from worlds beyond, but he makes new friends in the Mane Six and among others, even getting a VERY unexpected love interest in a certain silver maned filly years before her in-show redemption. (Me thinks that's what spawned the whole human adopted by somepony getting a filly love interest trend, and heck I think this whole story started off the young human child getting adopted by somepony genre. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here.) Anyways, the story now has at least five official sequels, one spin off one shot and several unofficial stories featuring Toby. Okay, I've rambled on enough now. Time to get to work!

As night fell upon the small town of Ponyville, there was a calm silence that drifted along the cool breeze of the evening air. Princess Luna’s moon casted a warm glow over the land of Equestria and brought a feeling of peace to the ponies who were asleep within their homes, except for one. Inside the cottage atop of the hill which overlooks Ponyville, Fluttershy laid in her bed silently crying to herself.

She had her head buried within her forehooves and shook with light sobs, because she felt lonely without the presence of another in her home. No, she did not yearn for the company of a stallion as a mate, but what her heart desired was to have the chance to be the mother of a young foal.Although she had all of her animal friends to take care of, she truly wanted to have a family of her own, and to have a child to call her daughter or son.

First off, nice opening. It really gets you into the story from the start and really makes you feel sorry for Fluttershy. I can see why Poetic picked her as the one to adopt Toby, besides the obvious reasons of course. She's the most motherly of the Mane Six (Although I will argue that Twilight gets that bill for a good long while if I had the time or want of a headache.) as she takes care of so many little animals, and others... not so little and always treats them like her own children, plus she's the one that will scold you if you done something wrong. Just ask her brother or that dragon from the first season who I swear was meant to be a parody of Smaug the Terrible.

Yeah, him. Annnnnnnnwayyysss...

Slowly, she lifted her head up with tears rolling down her cheeks as she gazed out of her window at the moon. It’s reflection glistened in her tear-filled eyes as she released a shuddering breath It feels so empty without a special little one to share my home with. As she allowed the last remaining tears to roll down her cheeks, she clasped her hooves together.

Oh precious and beautiful moon of Princess Luna, please grant the wish I wish tonight. I wish for one day to become the mother of a young colt or filly and to one day have a family to call my own. She closed her eyes and quietly kissed her hooves Thank you Princess Luna for the beauty in which you bestow upon Equestria with your moon during the night. After making her wish, she drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

So, Fluttershy makes a prayer and a wish, and I really like the description of Fluttershy having the moon glisten in her tear stained eyes and giving out a shuddering nervous breath as she starts to pray (It's both equally beautiful and descriptive. Hey, brings up a thought here. If ponies pray in this universe, does that mean that there are churches dedicated to the Royal Sisters? Sorry, random thought. Please ignore that.) to Princess Luna. Okay, maybe some minor nitpicking here, but I wish Poetic had put quotation marks around Fluttershy's thoughts. I know he italicized them, but as they are essentially a character saying something, some quotation would probably be a good idea here. The other minor thing here is, I would have described Fluttershy, after drifting off into her peaceful slumber, have her thoughts run amuck with dreams of having a child by her side, colt or filly maybe and them doing things together. But to be fair, this was Poetic's first real foray into making a actual story, not just poetry, so that can be granted a bit of leeway. Okay, if you don't mind, I'll skip over the paragraph where Luna picks up on both Fluttershy's and Toby's thoughts via the power of the moon and get on to where we first actually meet Toby. ...'Nother random thought here, if Luna can do this via the moon, can Celestia do this with the sun, or is it related to Luna's dreamwalking powers?

A storm raged on in the night on the planet, as streaks of razor sharp lightning light up the night sky as it traveled along the starry canvas. Thunder rolled among the land, nearly shaking the ground with it’s tremendous power. In a small residential area, the people who lived there were all quietly sleep within their homes, but outside the community in a eery forest, there was a young child.

Scared and alone, the young boy decided to run away from the one person who was supposed to protect him, his father. He scavenged through the streets of the neighborhood, looking for any possible place to stay for the night, but he couldn’t. Unable to find safe shelter from the storm, the boy ran to the forest and found a small cave that was abandoned.

Okay, and so enters our second main character. (Cheers and fanfare) First off, love the description of the storm itself. Love a good thunderstorm, can either be calming or rather frightening depending on the way it's used, as I did in my own story Frightmare Night. Either way it adds to the atmosphere of the story and further gets you invested in it. No real spelling errors to speak of, except for eery, which should be spelled eerie. Okay, minor nitpick I know, but I've picked things like that up from both my dad and my friend Black_Knight (Highly recommend him if you ever, ever need an editor Poetic and your normal ones aren't able to help you for whatever reason. Just tell him the Bricklayer sends his regards.)

Now as he sat against the wall of the dark, damp cavern, he shook with sobs as rain poured down, striking the ground. He had his head buried in his lap as he hugged his legs close to his chest. The only clothing the child had on was a set of red wool pajamas and a light rain coat to keep him dry.

The child was only six years old, but he has endured experiences that even the toughest adult would break under. As the storm continued, the boy looked out from the mouth of the cave and up into the sky to see just a hint of the moon. He allowed his tears to escape and roll down his cheeks as he clasped his hands together.

Okay, again more descriptions which I really love. Damp, dark, and the way Toby is postured. Really gives me an image of the scene, although I wish we got more of a description of him besides the clothes he was wearing, like facial features and such. Then again, we do have the magnificent cover art provided by Shutterguy to help us with that. But I would like to have had a good description of everything about him from the start. Then again, maybe slowly building up his description over the course of the story is a good thing. I'm just not sure yet. Another thing I'm not happy with, we never really get a good description of what experiences Toby's suffered yet. Show, not tell. And even when we do get the description of what he's exactly been through, (Forgive me here), I'm not sure if the experiences he suffered as a child a full grown adult would break under (No disrespect intended to actual child abuse victims) Mind you, I can think of several things a adult would break under, as I have watched plenty of crime drama and detective shows (Along with Supernatural) so I have seen far worse crimes than child abuse, which as because I'm reviewing an E-Rated story here I won't describe.

Star Light Star bright,

The first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

Have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish to leave this scary place and find me a new home to live where I can have a new family that will love me. I wish I could find someone that will love me and not be mean to me… like my daddy is.

And so Toby makes a wish, (And the way he does it reminds me of the song King Nothing in the process. Sorry, but whenever I hear that particular wish, I just think of the song lyrics for whatever reason.) and it is granted.

He kissed his clasped hands and looked down to his chest. Around his neck hung a golden chain that held a heart-shaped pendant. The boy held the locket in the palm of his hand and carefully opened it Inside on the left side was the inscription To my precious baby boy, Toby and on the right was a picture of a blonde-haired woman with sky blue eyes, and she was holding an infant wrapped up with a light blue blanket.

He gently closed the locket back and placed his lips to it in a soft kiss I miss you so much Mommy, I love you. As time passed, the storm started to die down, but the boy felt so weak and tired after leaving his home that he laid himself down upon the ground of the cave, and cried himself to sleep.

While he slept, an orb of blue light appeared over his small form You poor, poor child, you indeed are a broken soul. Worry not little one, for I shall grant your wish, and you shall have the true, caring love in which you seek. Soon the young child’s body was enveloped in a gentle, calming blue aura, and slowly he started to fade away within the light.

And so we get more of a background for Toby, learning that his mother has passed away at an unknown time before the story's events. As I said before, the wish he makes is granted and Luna appears and reassures him that all will be well. Again, I really wish the thoughts of the characters were put into quotation marks and not just italicized. I personally prefer to do both, but whatever works for each individual writer I suppose...

Princess Luna appeared in the front of Fluttershy’s cottage and using her magic, she conjured a small woven basket. Inside the basket laid the young child, wrapped in a warm, soft white blanket. A warm smile crept across Luna’s face as the little boy slept and she leaned her head down to kiss at his cheek “Rest peacefully little one, for in the morning, you shall meet the one who shall take care of you.” She whispered softly into his ear as she stepped back from the basket and looked up at her moon.

I hope I'm doing the right thing in bringing this creature here. I just wonder what has happened in his life that caused his heart as young as he is to be truly broken.

Okay, no real comments to make here except to clear something up. Now some of you may be wondering how a human child can fit in a basket, but as shown in later chapters, even the fillies of Equestria are larger than a normal human child. To give you an idea, a later chapter has Toby being hidden almost completely in Fluttershy's mane. Well, that's the end of this review, and I have to say, even from the prologue I'm pretty impressed with the story, and normally first chapters of a author's first story aren't that good, but I have to say, this one is better than most. Now, really, there's only one way to end this review, and that's with this:

Comments ( 3 )

I recommend Dream Come True as well.

4376106 I'm actually re-reading that right now.

This was a great review and thank you for the tidbits of advice too that you pointed out. :twilightsmile: I truly appreciate it, and it means a lot to me for all the support I have gotten from the New Home series.

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