Simultaneously about me and not about me. · 2:19pm Jan 9th, 2017
So today's my birthday. I'm 25.
There's a lot that I could talk about concerning the series of events between when I turned 24 and when I turned 25. It was an exciting year, all things considered, and that's not even counting the meme about 2016. I've made friends, lost them, acquired cool things, lost them, wrote some horse words, wrote some horse words and never published them, and so on. Blame my short-term memory, but the stuff that sticks out in my mind the most was a four-day stretch on Christmas break: getting in a fight with my parents, having a seizure two days after that and getting fired from work the day after that. Still, things could be worse.
Evidently I forgot about the "things could be worse" motto two days ago, when I chugged a bunch of antidepressants and laid down without caring about if I ever got back up again.
It was an ineffectual attempt at suicide, much like the first time I tried to kill myself. Still, that first time was back in 2011, and one might think that the conclusion I drew from that attempt - that oblivion is a really scary concept and one I couldn't handle - would have stuck around. I'm still trying to process why in particular two days ago was the day I decided "fuck it, oblivion can't be much worse than how I feel right now." I'm sure that the answer will come to me eventually - and i'm trying not to be bitter about the fact that adjusting my medication or getting therapy, two of the things most likely to help me find said answer, are two things i literally cannot afford to do.
Anyways - I'm cutting myself off from ranting about that before I grow increasingly bitter. It's better to talk about happy things in this case, particularly happy things that come from unexpected sources. So I want everyone who's reading this to spread a bit of mutual happiness with a semi-specific request:
Go up to someone who wrote you a review and hug them.
Obviously, this is physically impossible for most of you, so take it figuratively instead and write them a nice PM (or mention them on a blog, send them an e-mail if you have that, or what have you). I'm not going to expect you to do that for everyone who's written you a review, since for some of you there might literally not be enough time in one day for you to do that, but pick one of them - one who's famous, one who you're on good terms with, one who wrote you a particularly inspirational or thoughtful review - and let them know that the work they put into reading and analyzing your story didn't go unnoticed.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm shilling for reviewers, or any one particular reviewer, but consider this: there are a lot of stories on this site, with a lot more being added to that amount every day. Yet, they chose yours to read and talk about. Even if they devoted half a paragraph or less to talking about what you made, it's still a rather personal gesture, an acknowledgement that you exist and that you made something worthy of attention. There are a lot of jobs out there - you know, the things that eat your self-worth and offer money in exchange - that won't even bother to give you that sort of one-on-one attention. I suspect that most people on this site have worked at, or maybe are currently working at, one of those. It's the sort of marginalization that one could get familiar with, come to accept as normal and move on.
But then some guy or girl on here takes it on their onus to devote whatever remnants of free time they have to look over your creative efforts - the stuff you cared about at the very least to publish, and probably a great deal more than that - and offer their thoughts. That's validation of who you are, honestly. It's a sign that they think enough about you that they care about whether you and your writings exist. You're a complete stranger, and yet they chose you. Some of them don't think about the impact of what they've done, while some are all too aware of it, but the fact of the matter is that the impact is there.
So let a reviewer know that you care about what they said. Make their day a little brighter. The vast majority deserve it, and I suspect it will make their days a little brighter, which is hopefully some sort of recompense for what they've done to you.
Because when I woke up two days ago, staggered over to my computer and scrolled through my open internet tabs in a zombie-like fugue, it was rifling through my old notes that cracked my figurative shell. It was reading a story I had written and remembering that someone with a lot of know-how telling me that they liked it very much that made me break down in tears, happy that I had woken up at all.
For anyone who took the time to read this: I hope that all of your 2017s are pleasant ones, and I hope that your birthdays in particular were, are or will be very happy days indeed.
I'm glad you're still here. o.o
Also, damn, you are an entire decade younger than me. :B Chew on that.
Man, I'm sorry things hit that low point for you, but I'm glad you're back on your feet.
And I'm not sure who that shout-out about the review was directed at (52 followers and you've got two reviewers stalking you), but thanks for showing your appreciation for reviews anyway. I'm glad that someone's review got you back on your feet.
I hope things get better for you.
Although I haven't tried anything in a long time, this holiday season has had me entertaining thoughts of the nothingness, perfection, and tranquility that comes in death. Sometimes, the madness and chaos of living is too painful to bear, especially at one's job, whatever it may be, during the holiday season. But one of the many things that has stopped me is that there's good experiences to go along with the bad, with more to come as you continue living. It makes you feel a bit hopeful for the future, eh?
Pfffttt it took me at least an hour to type this up. Most of it was thinking what to say. Trying to say something meaningful. Yeah, gotta appreciate the time people take to talk to you. It likely takes awhile for a reviewer to get all those words to paper.
But yeah, happy belated birthday!