An apology and an explanation · 11:54pm Jan 4th, 2017
All right, it's time to level with y'all.
In three days it'll have been a year since I published a chapter and believe me, I feel like total shit leaving you guys waiting this long. Fics die left and right in this fandom and I always prided myself on my reliability. I mean hell, I finished a 550,000 word story once before, this thing should be old hat to me by now. The last time I got any writing done was right around my last blogpost where I showed the wordcount of the current chapter. Not-so-coincidentally, every single word I currently have down for that chapter got done while I was visiting my then-SO.
Note the past tense.
Things changed after I got home. He started talking to me less, started emoting less frequently and responded in a delayed fashion to my affections if he responded at all. It felt exactly like the days before we we decided to be together, when we were barely acquaintances and he was talking more to my editor than me. My intuition's always been about as precise as a laser and suspicions that he was irrevocably put off by my physical appearance took hold in my mind.
For those that don't know, I suffer from depression like a good deal of creative types. Once these thoughts took root they were all I could dwell on for six long months. Through every shift at work, day in and day out dreading the worst but too scared and desperate to avoid losing the person I love with all my heart to seek confirmation. I'm not sure you can imagine how hard it is to focus on writing when your thoughts are constantly drawn to dark places, but it's very difficult. To that end, I sought resolution.
After curt and bordering on businesslike interactions on my birthday through to the holidays, I figured it was for the best to get confirmation and closure so I could start healing. I made it my New Year's resolution to broach the subject and I did, a couple days ago. My suspicions were (half) right and my worst fears confirmed. We split. I'm trying to hang in there, but it's hard. I feel lost, I'm frustrated and it's taking every ounce of self control I possess not to snap at people who tell me I'll find someone else. I understand they mean well but it isn't a fairy tale world and there isn't always someone out there just waiting to be found. I've already had a nightmare last night and I rarely dream. I'm hoping the grieving period won't last long but this was my first relationship so I have no frame of reference.
You've listened to me for long enough and for those of you that read the whole post, thank you. Let me get to the real reason you're here.
What does this mean for Outlaw? Nothing, really. I know the long wait makes it seem like I won't go back to it, but I haven't given up. The point of this post was to reassure you that I've begun the healing process and my mood should hopefully improve from here on. Once I've learned to cope with this event in my life I can get back to writing in earnest. I can't say when because I don't know myself but I promise I'll keep working on this thing until it's done. Again.
TL;DR: I'm single again but I swear to the deity of your choice I'm gonna finish this motherfucker.
If it's any consolation, I love you. I read Outlaw before you decided to rewrite it. It was good then and its, I'm hesitant to say but, it's better now. Life is tough, from one depressive anxiety introvert to what I presume another, but I'll get somewhat better. You just got to put your nose to the grindstone and keep pushing.
Uh, for being a very good writer that was the most confusing segway ever between paragraphs one and two.
At first I thought somehow the story was being distant to you
Hope you get feeling better
And if you don't mind me asking was he cheating on you, or was your fear that he merely lost interest in you?
Man that sucks. I can't say I know what it feels like or offer you helpful advice for your mental state. What I can say is that I don't want you to do any work on this story if you have to force you self to do it. No story is worth you feeling more miserable. Hell, if defacing it by replacing every instance of the word "hoof" with "butt" ("____", so-and-so yelled whilst gesturing wildly with his hoof/butt.) amuses you enough to lift your spirits even a bit, then do that.
I may be wrong, as I'm about as creative as... something that's not very creative... As evidenced by my failure to find a decent simile. Anyways, I may be wrong, but I was under the impression that writing is something you're supposed to do because you enjoy doing it. It's not something that you're supposed to be a slave to.
I won't (and can't imagine anyone else would) hold it against you if you never come back and finish it. You are more important than any story. Take whatever time you need for yourself before you even think of touching this again. Please.
Wishing you the best.
4369577
Oh ye, absolutely. Part of why it hurts so much. 25 years on this planet before I started my first relationship and now it's over 2 years after the fact.
4369964
It reads okay to me, I suppose I could have left that as part of the first paragraph but I like to get fancy. Also,
Segue. :P
4370713
Yay you're still around. I always get to worrying that you quit pone when I don't see you for a while.
I don't really consider the writing a chore, I actually still think about it in my free time. Usually when my mood as at a high point I think about how to plan ahead. I'm practically chomping at the bit to see the EqD results for this month, but in typical fashion 2woToned fell off the face of the earth as he occasionally does. That said, I'm not actually looking forward to it if I manage to come out on top. I'm really not in the best frame of mind to be appreciative of it and I'm worried a slew of "I knew you'd get it eventually" comments will draw out my nasty side. "Eventually" has never nor will ever be acceptable in my eyes.