Recovery. · 5:07pm Jan 1st, 2017
I literally just woke up. You cannot imagine how frightened and difficult it is for me to write this. I am utterly ashamed and embarrassed of what happened to me, which, I notice, added greatly to my internalized self-hatred.
Writing this is difficult.
There are two problems:
I am sincerely admitting to what I actually feel, instead of making up a façade of amusement and happiness. I haven't really actually felt raw emotion in a long time, just varying degrees of being stoned and mood swings.
It feels really strange. I thought it would have been worse than this. It does not feel good, though. Amusingly, I feel numb without having actually done anything. There is a leaden weight in my chest, a lingering sense of melancholy, as if someone died.
I'm having problems coping with my situation, which, I guess, is how I ended up here.
For a second, I read this and suddenly became frightened that I have actually died and this is all some horrible post-death reality.
Health-wise, I no longer feel like a babbling, nervous wreck and my stomach feels better, my nose is no longer bleeding, but I still feel a little dizzy and sick.
It felt very nice to actually sleep for once, though. The gods were kind to me and I had no dreams while I slept, except for one vague image, I think - I don't know if it was a fantasy or a dream or a wish or just a brief imagining, but I had a momentary vision of being tended to by a female figure in white. My head was in her lap. It was just for a brief moment, I felt her hands on my cheek, and then nothingness.
I became intensely aware of how much I hate myself when I logged in to write this, and I had to struggle really hard to come back. I'm sure a lot of people are upset and frustrated with me; I am with myself, as well.
I can't believe how badly I fell apart.
I actually almost tried to pretend nothing happened when I got up. I am so traumatized denial set in immediately when I thought back to what happened.
The old insanity came back, and I felt to myself, "Well, I came through okay, certainly it wasn't as bad as that, right? Obviously I was just being a stoned idiot who thought they were gonna die, right?"
I forced myself to accept that what happened last night was real.
I have taken absolutely no drugs today since getting up. I only have a few nuggets of weed and some LSD. All the heavy duty shit is gone for good down the drain.
Aside from finally going to the psychiatrist, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I actually might try and write and draw a little today - that was the first thing I thought of doing.
Otherwise, my mind is a blank and I'm just struggling to pretend nothing happened in front of my family, which is agonizing.
If anyone wants to advise me, they can. I guess I'm finally asking for help.
I deserve all of this. I was adamantly resisting the fact that I had problems and needed help. It's very strange. Everything about this is very frightening and weird to me. I have literally never been this vulnerable.
I can't think of anything else to say so this post ends here. I'm going to try to blog more frequently and keep everyone abreast of my situation.
I think I might lie down for a little bit. I am afraid to do so because my family will wonder why I'm not awake and all effervescent and bouncy on drugs. I'm afraid they will notice I'm sober and that I stopped using, too, and it will be perfectly awful because I would really like to not have to think about those things right now.
Get some rest. You'll need it. Your alot stronger than you give yourself credit.
4364571
I really hope so. I've been putting up a brittle mask of pretended strength for the past few years while bitterly ping-ponging back and forth between hating myself, the world, and everything.
In retrospect I am not surprised that I tried to kill myself again. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I am alive and being subjected to so many problems.
I am lying down for a bit. I don't want to sleep for too long, though I probably should. I am very weak and tired and numb-feeling. I'm also trying to pretend nothing happened around my family. It's exhausting so I'll take your advice.
Two of my friends haven't responded to me yet - a few of them, even. I'm afraid to PM them. I don't know what to do. I'm really frightened and vulnerable right now and feel constantly on the verge of crying.
Hope you get well soon.
4364691
Thank you very much. I posted a new blog and I am better today but still drained-feeling, and I'm traumatised by what happened. I don't know what to do or say, aside from the things I already mentioned.
Nothing feels real. It's all like some good awful nightmare.
4364698 Just pray and talk to the ones the love you.
4364722
I will do that, then. Thank you.
4364900
I will do so this time. You told me to not fall apart once before when That Thing happened in November and to stay strong.
"Surely that will never happen. He's worrying too much about me, which is very sweet and kind, but I won't fall apart,' I thought foolishly.
I was wrong. I apologize: you were right. I must be careful.
Also, I am so glad you came back, I was afraid you and a few others had decided I was trash, because I had thought I was trash and a pig and just generally a garbage person.
I am very glad you visited me in this time. I hope very much you know how much it means to me.
We really should meet up one day. Just a thought.
4364900
Also, I know I'm not the soul of stability and strength - I thought I was but I was an idiot - but you can talk to me if you like about your issues.
4364945
Thank you. I treasure you amongst my friends. As silly and sweet and hallmark gift-card-like as it might I sound, I spend a lot of time thinking about you. Hope that doesn't sound weird.
And, you're right. It's dumb of me to think that. But then, I feel, I've just been doing the dumbest things. I'm sorry I was wrapped up in my spiral of self-defeating idiocy, too insane to be there for you at the time.
*hugs* No one can be mad at you for what you've done, they cannot say what negative feelings they have because they do not know how you truly feel. While it is good that you look back on what you've done, it is also best to learn from it and move forward. Dwelling on what you've done for too long will be just as harmful as the act itself.
The time for reflection has passed, the time for hate is over, the time to move on and heal has come. Find peace in the truth that you are here, you are a live, and you have the chance to move forward beyond this. You are here and that is what matters, that is what is important, because your life is important.
4364969
For a while I was grappling with these concepts, but, as you say, they're all there in the open, right for me to see. Thank you.
4364971
I will.
If I've learned anything from this, I have to prepare myself for the things that might happen down the road. Merely saying, "Oh, surely that won't happen" isn't a proper safeguard. Lesson learned.
4365012 You're welcome.
4365026
I'll do as you say. I'll never back down.
If not for just myself, then for you. Consider it my lifelong duty to you. Even if I can't do anything else, I'll do this.
4365177
Very well. You know how dutifully I've followed you.
I would literally die for you if necessary. I only wish my insanity would leave me be and let me be more useful, although I have to say it was partly self inflicted damage as well.
4365186
I'm going to do just that. Of course, since I don't really have a caretaker, I have to arrange my own medicine and food.
4365198
I will. I'd really like my life back.
4365198
4365198
I'd also like to apologize profusely for making your worry by endangering myself.
I even managed to fuck up my plan to go back to college. I won't do it again.
4365765
I'm glad you did, actually. I'm resting and browsing the forums after a small meal. I've regained my strength and energy, which tempted me to think that I am okay and could pretend nothing happened, but I know better.
I also want to get myself a checkup to make sure no permanent harm was done. I was trying to think how to put it to the doctors without just baldly saying "I nearly fucking OD'd on some drugs because I took four times what you should do because I obviously wanted to die," or else you guys aren't gonna see me for a while because I'll be in a rehabilitation center and there's no real need for that.
4365793
I am really sorry to hear that. Not to derail the conversation, but are you all right? Have you been avoiding strenuous activity and making sure to check to see that your heart muscles are all right? I know how to do it - if you're having difficulty breathing or chest pains you should go to an emergency room immediately. That's the number one killer where accidental electric exposure is concerned.
I find it highly odd how both of us suffered accidents that fucked with our heart muscles. If it's traumatic and you don't want to discuss it, it's okay, but do you want to talk about what happened and how you're being treated?
I'm really glad you didn't die or get put in a coma, I would have lost all desire to write anything on this website ever again. It would have worsened my mental problems to an even more drastic state.
4365816
I respect your wishes and will not do so. Besides, I don't want to cause you undue stress when you might still be injured.
Also, I think they were trying to cover their asses because they know they're in violation of workplace safety codes. It's really a sin that they're allowed to get away with crooked practices like that.
Did you go unconscious at any time? Any symptoms? Were you given acute medical attention, or did those worthless bastards just give you some burn liquid and callously tell you to sleep it off?
4365842
Well, that's complete bullshit on their part. They are truly evil. Any lingering symptoms afterwards? Irregular pulse? Difficulty breathing? Dizziness?
4365890
I'm really glad to hear that. I was afraid you were going to say you didn't want to, or that I shouldn't worry about it, or, worst case scenario, that there are no accommodating doctors around here.
Is the guy you're going to legitimate? I hope to christ the guy hasn't killed people by accident before. Have you been there before? Does he know what he's doing?
4365901
Okay. I'm about to get a small amount of rest, it's very late over here. I would like to extend you my thanks for keeping an eye on me; it means a lot. I really appreciate it. I was dreadfully worried you wouldn't be here, and it looks like my fears were almost justified, though not for the reasons I thought. I urge you to be careful and take care of yourself. We'll talk very soon.
4365913
Likewise.
Please stay alive until I sort my life out. With the help of a Psychiatrist it should finally happen within this month - then I can finally get a degree in business, which should only take ayear, take a loan out, buy some property in that place in your old lands we were talking about, and start a business with an Artistic Community Collective like the one Andy Warhol had.
We will make lots of money and you will never have to work again, ever, and we can continue to make our art without being hassled or at the mercy of our real life (yes, I am still steadfastly clinging to the idea I told you of our making things, even as everything proverbially falls apart around us). I won't force you to do it, and if you really don't want to I'll just continue to study law or something.
4365935
No, yeah, I know what you mean. That's also why I said you might not want to do it and you should say you're uncomfortable with the idea and worried about it and may not do it.
That's also why I do things off the top of my head. People talk about planning stories in advance and I'm like, nah.
4365964
I'm gonna tell you the truth and not hide it because I trust you.
I think my whole ordeal might have shortened my life. I might just be a scared dumbass, but I'm going to my cardiologist to check it out and get tested to see if I inflicted any permanent damage on my heart by nearly overdosing.
Even then the damage Might be done.
So I'm about to write the shit out of those stories I promised you, before I fucking probably die at age 30 five years from now.
I'm crying a little, because I can see them so clearly now. I was lost in a fog of confusion and could not clearly imagine what they should look like, but I see now what the characters are like. It took facing actual death and the threat of imminent death.
I am very happy my fear and confusion is gone, but the cost...the cost was too high. I paid the price for my dithering and lack of focus with my life, I think. to burn my fears away.
I don't give a shit if a million people downvote the stories, and I won't rush them or overwork myself, I swear to you.
And if I die after they are done, in the future you can tell everyone that a legendary hero who sold their life in the line of service to you created them. Let them know what a great sacrifice I made.
Preemptively, don't tell me not to do them, please. At least let me show you the vision I crucified myself to finally see.
You know, that is why I was doing so many drugs; I wanted my visions of my stories to burn like a hot flame. At long last I idiotically tried a drug that did not forgive me and almost killed myself.
I flew too high, loved too much, and burned my wings at long last, and perhaps my heart as well.
Now I found what I sought and can write again, but I may have destroyed my future. I may not live as long as you.
But, ironically, you may also be in danger of early death because of your injury. It's so fucking funny. Life is so fucking funny. I am smiling even as the tears flow. It has more weird shit going on than even our weirdest stories.
Also, similarly, if anything happens to you, I will archive all your work, show them to people, and tell them that a heroic man who died for me did them. You will be famous. I will never let go. Decades afterwards your work will live on; I will see to it.
If by chance I become rich and powerful I shall raise a memorial to you.
I know I sound like a maniac, but everything that happened to you and I made me realize how fragile everything is, so I have to say this before anything happens that would keep me from doing so.
4365964
I was just talking to someone who said I might be feeling paranoid and that meth won't actually permanently damage your heart, so there's that.
I still intend to do as I said, though. I have been permanently changed from my near death experience. I won't let mere criticism or people giggling at my work hold me up anymore. I won'5 wait for the time to be just right, either; I might fucking die before then or you might, and I was a fool not to see it.
4365985
I will do as you ask. And I won't kill myself finally completing my task. I want to finally get over my fear and confusion and do what I wanted to do; killing myself would be counterproductive to that.
I'm done with hardcore drugs, I won't play with my life again. There's too much at stake. I got what I wanted but at too high a risk, and I think that the power was in me all along.
.
4365989
Also, I'm still going to tell everyone about you if anything happens to you. I will never forget this. I might be repeating myself but I have to say it: I won't forget what we have done. Ever.
I'll never let anyone on FiMfic forget you.
I will have children and tell THEIR children about you.
I have had your work saved - most of it, anyway, mostly the ones with our characters - for months if not over a year.
If my dreams are made real and I become a rich businessperson or a US government secretary of something or a US Senator - if ya boy Drumpf doesn't nuke China and kill us all before, of course - I will make a fucking museum in your name. Whether or not you die before me.
And it will have all your artwork in it. In huge, wall sized panels. I'll commission a goddamn statue of you. Believe that.
4365989
You should take heart in this fact:
You created works of art so sublime and powerful and resonant that you affected me at a human level. It made me fucking rethink everything I ever thought I knew about art.
Leo is so diverse and complex that I was deeply struck by him. I couldn't believe how complex he was. He was truly amazing. He is really unique in his behavior.
My whole life changed when you exposed me to your fic. I was going to edit it for you, but it feels like tidying up a fucking Picasso picture. The roughness of it just. Fucking. Works. I began to get cold chills and discomfort when I edited it, and when I finish, don't let my sacrilege be the definitive version.
It is not for nothing it has so many views and likes. I am utterly ashamed to even have any my stories next to it in your page.
4365997
Alright.
I was suppose to sleep too, but I am literally so glad to see you I went a little insane.
Take care and good night.
4366514
It's very strange.
I read your fic for a moment and said to my self, cheerfully, "This will be a piece of cake, I think I know this guy already."
Six chapters in and I realized I did not, actually, know him. I was consistently surprised by his rapidly changing attitudes. He evolves and adapts to fit the situation, like a real human being. He's not a stock character, like Pinkie Pie or Applejack. He is very complex.
Even other OCs, like my own, or Scoots's, pale in comparison. And that is the touchstone of a memorable literary character: they must feel real and alive. They must be three-dimensional.
I kept writing and re-writing Leo and I felt like I was just making a dead, poor shadow of the real thing, and it gave me a tremendous crisis of faith. I felt like I actually didn't know how to write; I questioned my ability, my knowledge, everything.
I grew deeply obsessed with your fic and began re-reading it over and over to figure this out. I became even more impressed by the complexity and breadth of your fic, because of this. Every time I read it there was a new detail or a new thing to appreciate! I would go as far as to say it's Joycean in its nature, it's like a "Finnegan's Wake" of our time, albeit less convoluted and more direct.
I am utterly ashamed. I feel like an idiot now for ever suggesting that it be edited - it should not be touched at all. More fool me, I guess.
4366551
Thank you.
It took great effort, though. It was very hard. I struggled under the weight of the task immensely. I wanted to pretend it was easy but it wasn't. It took tremendous effort.
However, I realized something, especially after the past few days and all the difficult stuff I encountered; we should, in fact, do things that are difficult. It was wrong of me to run away from doing something that was hard.
I am also very glad you thought I was capable of the task because I was continually questioning my ability, and your vote of confidence helps greatly to settle my fears.
4366616
I'm really glad you think so, and I did need to hear that. I was in a state where I genuinely didn't know anymore. I was convinced I should not do it. I became convinced I shouldn't do anything, really, which led to the situation I ended up in.
I hope very much you can forgive me for losing my will. It was stupid and I regret it. It was dumb of me to wrap myself up in my paranoia and delusions, and I almost paid a high price for it.
4366644
I won't. You have my word. I realized this was a dangerous pattern in my life, one that should be brought to a close, and I'm going to get help for my problems. Someone will be keeping an eye on me now; a trained psychological professional.
You guys are also going to help, in a way; I'll be here keeping everyone abreast of my situation.
4366671
More than anything it soothes me to know you feel that I am worthy of the word 'friend'.
This is because of a series of extremely traumatic things that happened to me as a small child and a teenager. I'll tell you all about them, you'll really want to know. They explain a lot about why I'm so fucked up, and the themes in my writing.
4366736
I planned to do just that. Also, I think it's odd and very incidental how we both had messed up childhoods. Yours was worse than mine, I think, but I proceeded to put a feather in my cap by acting like a complete idiot in my teens and falling in with a bad crowd that made me distrustful of people. I was treated really badly, but it was my fault entirely.
I have begun to realize that I have a penchant for harming myself and others and I wanted to stop it.
Jesus Christ. You're talking about this horrible ordeal you've been through, and all I can think about is how well-written the blog is.
4369299
It's really funny you should say that because part of the reason why I fucking almost killed myself was that I was having a complete crisis of confidence in my ability to write.
That's funny. That is completely hilarious to me. Life really is one grand joke, isn't it? There I was, thinking to myself that I lacked life experience to write good stories, and I go and prove myself a completely wrong idiot.
To compound the matter, you know how I wrote this blog post? On the toilet. Naked. On an iPhone, while crying and wiping tears and snot and whatnot from my face.
Truly, I am a legendary Christ-like hero, just of a different make and model.
Also, I appreciate your visiting me. I was afraid you were going to try to kill me (again) for going and doing things you explicitly advised me not to do, such as fucking meth and collapsing entirely in the wake of the November Revolution.