Folding · 6:47am Dec 22nd, 2016
Cowgirl quietly slipped out of the party room and into a back corner. her head was pounding, and the lights around ehr were only making it worse. In the main room, she could still hear the music, and the chearing.
Christmas. Yep, that's the time of year it was alright. The time of year where she over worked herself, then couldn't even enjoy it. That's the way it was.
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Blast it, who am I kidding. Just seriously, who am I kidding? Every day is getting harder and harder. Getting up, pulling out... honestly anything to do... talking with my friends. I've started questioning if they care... when I know it's just me, and in attempts to protect them from my bad attitude... I'm pushing everyone away.
So, why am I awake? Yeah... I've got to be up in five hours because my Grandfather used to be a cross country coach... and I swear he never retired, just changed his students. I'm so ready to just have a day where I hide in my room all day with nothing but myself and silence.
After two months... still nothing. I'm so ready to go home, but if I did go home, even for a second, and something happned... I'm looking at cort. I was told by the police to stay away for my protection... I'm trying to obey that... but it's so hard not to be home Christmas day. I want to know who pushed that trashcan down the hill... so I can give them a pice of my mind! SERIOUSLY! I've been in a state of absolute... ick now for nearly 7 months. June through December...
I want to go home. Oh I SO want to just go home. I am really sympathizing with the indians and everyone else who ever got rounded up and marched. I only had between 10PM, and 8AM warning... That was two months ago. And I'm still in my grandparent's house.
My money is beginning to run thin. This I guess is my biggest concern. November I was able to make a bit doing survays and stuff, but with all the art I've been doing, I've not been able to really save anything. I started up a Facebook page, but honest, I don't think my art is really worth that much. I've not gone to school for it... and exactly how many paintings does a person need!
This coming from a person who's never had wall space to even DISPLAY her art. Honest, I'm in a field I know nothing about. But I need to make money somehow.
I'm rambling, I know I'm rambling... but as I said, I've been pulling away from just about everyone. I'm very overwhelmed.... and feeling very alone.
Catstich and I did make up after all this mess. It's been honestly kinda nice with all this mess going on to be able to fall back on someone local. But I can't say I trust her again yet. I'm just not avoiding any contact with her whatsoever. A lot of it is just me. I've been burned by so many friends... I could go pure hurmit and I don't think I care. Be a crazy Bunny lady. I'm allegic to cats, so that wouldn't be possible.
*sigh* why keep trying? Really? One good reason to keep trying? I never believed I'd ever pass 18. Inever thought I'd ever graduate... my health has always been so finicky... but... I so often wonder... what is the point?
Anyways, I should have been asleep hours ago. Serves me right for taking a five hour nap when I should have been working on painting... or something else.
https://www.facebook.com/CowgirlVKart/
Anyways, I finally got something up so I could take commissions. If you want to support me... or whatever... there it is.
Cowgril out.
Hey. I know life is hard. I understand that more than most people think. But here's what I've learned: the point of living is tp strive and prove we are greater than the challenges we face. I never expected to make it this far in my life. It's astounding to me how many times I wanted to give up on living.
You said you want to go home; I wish I could face my family with confidence, but I can't. I have done so many things wrong, failed so many times, I've wondered if this life is truly still worth living. Friends are meant to make things easier, but the concept of "friendship" has grown fickle over the years and now your so-called "friends" either drop you because they can't get anything out of you or just for the un of messing with you. And honestly, excuse my language, but that's fucked up on so many levels. I had utterly given up on the concept o friendship at some point and cut off everyone: I didn't call family, I didn't talk to any one; I just let myself be alone. It was good for a while not giving a damn about anything, but at some point, it just got too much for me.
It really breaks my heart to see stories like this; stories of people who wish they could be with their families this holiday. I'm sure people say, "Well lucky you, Nova! You're family is coming to spend the Christmas with you while I either spend it alone or with people who are willing to offer me a spot." But I never feel at home anymore. Too much has gone wrong and I always feel like maybe my family doesn't see me as such as much as they used to.
But I will tell you one thing I've learned; no matter what happens, no one is ever 100% alone. You have God, and you have us. I've seen so many sad blogs in the last few days and I'm honestly sick of it. I hate feeling useless whenever I want to help because I know I can't help myself, but if I can help others, then just maybe I may not be so useless.
I'll take a look at your page in the morning and see what support I can offer. And If you ever need someone to talk to, my PMs are open and my skype is on my page. I can PM you my Facebook or Google+ if that is easier. But don't isolate yourself. It may feel better choosing not to feel anything, but eventually, that emptiness will consume you. And take it rom me, that is the worst feeling imaginable.
There are a lot of people here who love and care about you, Cowgirl. Make use of that advantage and don't let these things keep you down. They may hurt and they will make you question you worth. But there will always be people to remind you how wonderful you truly are, how much you mean to them, and how happy it makes them seeing you in a better mood.
When you see this, PM me. It's just an offer you can decline, but I would lovenothing more than to help you as much as I can.
Whoa girl, take it easy...
*HUG*
have faith, all will be okay, GOD will see to it!
I will pray for you
I wish you could be here with us, too, V. Christmas just isn't the same without you. BUT at least the situation is better than Thanksgiving seven years ago, yes? What I want you to do is to sit down and write a list of every good thing that's in your life right now - and especially the good things about your current situation. I want there to be no fewer than twenty items. Pin the list to the wall right next to your desk and look at it every time that you're done, do you hear me?
And, V, if you play your cards right, I think I can get you some art commissions, as I said earlier. We authors have a never-ending need for pictures, if you know what I mean.
I'll call you in the morning for a chat, that sound good?