Important Note

I will be uploading the next chapter tomorrow, and if you have anything at all you want to comment, good or bad, go right ahead.

Comments

[WyngsTriumphant]

Alright, please don't take this the wrong way, but....

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLIING IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNN MYYYYY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

No seriously though, your grammar and punctuation isn't bad, but this story, and the description that you have given it, just utterly reeks of edginess. Dark, evil, possibly sadistic character, whose mind is so broken, full of nothing but depression... this story fits the description to a T. Which by the way, this should NOT be rated E. This is T, or M, if it gets violent, gory, or sadistic.

My question to writers like you is this: consider what fandom you're writing for. Does it really seem to you that a story like this fits in a world of candy-colored horses? Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with dark and gritty, look at Fallout: Equestria. It's dark, gritty as hell, and violent, but it's undoubtedly a masterpiece. It doesn't stray from the core ideals that Friendship is Magic displays, even if it's in a darker world.

Ask yourself: is this story going to stay true to the positive traits and messages taught by the show? If not, is this really the best place to write this kind of story?

Please don't take this comment the wrong way. But beware that most knowledgeable FimFiction readers have a bias against edgy, dark stuff that's dark for the sake of being dark. Every writer has potential, but knowing how to EXCECUTE your story is just as important as CREATING a story. If this is your style of thinking or writing, aren't there better sites or ways to display it?

Obviously I'm not the king of fanfiction. Maybe there are some who would like this, or maybe I'm not looking at it in the right perspective. Just my observations...

[Rubie_Red]

4336700
Thank you for the observation, love the meme btw. I already have planned the story out and i do plan to make it better when it comes to friends. the oc will see how precious and vital friends are. It's not supposed to be dark from start to finish, that's not my intention. Its taking the perspective of somepony whos completely new to friendship and making them see how precious it is, i hope that clears things up a little. I do like getting these comments cus then i know how to improve my work, so thx for the comment

[WyngsTriumphant]

4336913

Okay, that's a relief to hear. I wasn't sure whether this was going where I thought, or whether I was looking at it wrong. If it's the latter, then I'm glad

That said, if you want people to not immediately judge you for being edgy or whatever, I suggest that you remove the "he will be responsible for the losses of many" from the description. That line is what made me think he would become super dark and sadistic.

A story about a character shrouded in darkness slowly learning the true value of friendship is better, I'll be keeping an eye out for this one!

[Rubie_Red]

4337247
Ahh but ya see, that quote is the whole idea of this character. In the story ponies will see him as somepony threatening. However it is not in Rubies intentions to do anything bad. That concept is the same with the people who discover this story. It's about misunderstanding, and giving someone a chance and listening to their story and seeing who they either truly are or what they truly want to be.

[WyngsTriumphant]

4337272

Interesting... using a description itself to reflect the theme of a story... veeeeeeerrry clever ;)

However, as clever as it is, I do want to warn you, having that in your description immediately gives the assumption that he's going to kill many people, and it doesn't help that you list the Mane 6 and Princess Celestia as characters, implying they will become victims.

I get what you did there, and yes, like I said, it's clever, but I'm not sure that it outweighs the fact that it is still seen as a turn-off. Picture this analogy: a middle-eastern person goes to an airport, about to board a flight, and he is wearing an Allahu Akbar shirt, with an explosion imprinted on the shirt. Security confronts him, and takes him away. Did he actually do anything wrong? Not legally. Did security make assumptions about him? Absolutely. Was the person smart for using this as a way to show how people of his race are stereotyped? Not really. He had a good idea, but the excecution kind of ruined it, and instead just scared people, without any real lesson being taught.

Weird analogy, I know, but do you get what I'm saying? There are better ways to use the description the way you want, while at the same time not scaring people off, therefore not letting them read the story and learn the lesson.

[Rubie_Red]

4337383
sure thing, i think ill try configuring it