S&M (Mostly M) Fanfiction Commentary: Twilight's Sister By PrincessFlutters · 5:45am Oct 4th, 2016
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/346739/twilights-sister
11:53 PM - metaknight145: Twilight's Sister by PrincessFlutters
11:53 PM - metaknight145: plz no
11:54 PM - metaknight145:
Alpine Bloom meets Twilight in her castle, but Twilight is surprised to find her pegasus sister an alicorn. But Princess of WHAT?
Introducing
Princess Alpine Bloom, protege of Princess Luna.
Unpublished view,AlpineBloom
11:54 PM - metaknight145: Why
11:54 PM - metaknight145: just
11:54 PM - metaknight145: Why
11:54 PM - Stiggerzz: >.>
11:54 PM - metaknight145:
2nd Person | Drama | Equestria Girls | Mystery
11:54 PM - metaknight145:
Chapter 1, Knock, Knock · 16th Sep 2016 687
2 Who's there? · 1st Oct 2016
11:55 PM - metaknight145: >chapter 1
11:55 PM - metaknight145: >2
11:55 PM - metaknight145: 
11:55 PM - metaknight145: This annoys me more than the Twilight's sister thing
11:56 PM - metaknight145: Pick a fucking number system for your chapters and stick to it.
11:56 PM - metaknight145: I think even Jbond gets it right
11:56 PM - Stiggerzz: or just name them
11:56 PM - Stiggerzz: either or
11:56 PM - metaknight145: I don't even give a fuck about that comma instead of :
11:57 PM - metaknight145: Its the lack of care to write out chapter that pisses me off
11:58 PM - metaknight145:
Alpine Bloom entered the town of Ponyville that night. Afraid to call attention to herself, the light blue pony had put on a dark cloak
11:58 PM - metaknight145: >afraid to call attention to yourself
11:58 PM - metaknight145: >live among nudists
11:59 PM - metaknight145: >wear a dark cloak
11:59 PM - metaknight145: Seems legit
11:59 PM - Stiggerzz: lel
11:59 PM - metaknight145:
which hid her flowing, sparkling mane and tail, her light blue wings, fading to dark blue and the silver horseshoes she wore. Almost all of it, except for her strange horn and crown.
11:59 PM - metaknight145: >alicorn OC
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
12:00 AM - metaknight145: >Flowing hair
12:00 AM - metaknight145: >color gradiants
12:00 AM - metaknight145: >crown
12:00 AM - metaknight145: >strange horn
12:00 AM - metaknight145: This is going to be painful
12:01 AM - metaknight145:
'Hi, I'm Derpy! Are you here to see anypony?' The voice shocked Alpine Bloom out of her reverie. She looked down and saw a grey pegasus with amber cross-eyes.
12:01 AM - metaknight145: >looked down
12:01 AM - metaknight145: She's as tall as celestia too
12:01 AM - Stiggerzz: :T
12:01 AM - metaknight145: If it wasn't for the lack of curse words I'd say this was a troll fic
12:02 AM - metaknight145: Also
12:02 AM - metaknight145: >derpy
12:02 AM - metaknight145: Her name is Muffins.
12:03 AM - metaknight145: The fuck is she doing out in the middle of the night anywhore?
12:03 AM - metaknight145: Clearly.
12:03 AM - metaknight145: Derpy is a drug dealer and out selling to children.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: And was sizing up this pony to see if she wants any of her wears.
12:04 AM - metaknight145:
'Yes. Do you know where Twilight Sparkle lives?' she asked Derpy, naming her sister.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: Well lets see here.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: Your sister is a princess.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: There is a massive fucking crystal tree castle in the middle of town.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: Obviously.
12:04 AM - metaknight145: She lives at the bakery and that castle is the local homeless shelter.
12:05 AM - metaknight145:
'Sure! I'll even take you there for a bit!' said Derpy loudly. Alpine Bloom hooved over a bit, and they set off.
12:06 AM - metaknight145: I was right. Only a drug dealer would demand cash for directions.
12:06 AM - metaknight145: You're taking up her time to sell crack outside the school.
12:07 AM - metaknight145:
When they arrived at the castle, Alpine Bloom stared in amazement.
'Are you sure this is where she lives?' she asked Derpy.
12:07 AM - metaknight145: 1. How did you not see that thing? Its a giant fuck off castle in the middle of town.
12:07 AM - metaknight145: 2. OP, why didn't you take the easy way out and just have this be before she lost the tree house, her not knowing she lived there would be forgivable then.
12:08 AM - metaknight145: 3. Why is this character so retarded that that isn't the first place she looked for a fucking princess?
12:09 AM - metaknight145:
Yep. Castle of Friendship, home of Princess of Friendship! We're here!' cried the exuberant pony.
'OK. If you're sure.' Alpine Bloom replied. 'You can go now.'
Derpy bounded off.
12:11 AM - metaknight145: Derpy's saddle bags filled to the brim with smack, crack, weed, and ecstasy bounced with each of her trots. All of which will be bought by Diamond and Silver Spoon. They will be found dead in the morning, with a likewise dead Deer prostitute, of an overdose of everything in a lesbian suicide pact made in an attempt to unlock their latent lesbian time powers. It did not go so well. It will be unknown to the police why they thought they would unlock lesbian time powers from watching the other die with a deer nearby.
12:12 AM - metaknight145:
Alpine Bloom lifted a hoof to knock, but hesitated, remembering the last time she had seen her sister.
12:12 AM - metaknight145: We got a flashback.
12:12 AM - metaknight145: All the best fics have a flash back.
12:12 AM - metaknight145: Wait no
12:12 AM - metaknight145: *worst
12:14 AM - metaknight145:
The newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped out onto the balcony to wave to her subjects. She saw a hooded pony, and recognised her. She almost gasped with shock, but stopped herself.
12:14 AM - metaknight145: That is a shit hood if she could recognise you from a fucking balcony in a crowd.
12:15 AM - metaknight145: Please OP.
12:15 AM - metaknight145: You can redeam yourself, somewhat. if you have this sister be a magical creation of Twilight when she was a children.
12:16 AM - metaknight145:
Three days later, the same hooded mare requested an audience with her.
12:16 AM - metaknight145: >three days
12:16 AM - metaknight145: Great.
12:16 AM - metaknight145: We get a jesus allagory in this too
12:16 AM - metaknight145: Fucking Sithis OP
12:17 AM - metaknight145:
'Twilight Sparkle! How dare you not invite me!, ME! to your coronation. How dare you not speak to me after you left on a journey for your precious princess! HOW DARE YOU!' the pony had yelled at Twilight, then collapsed in a sobbing heap.
12:17 AM - metaknight145: Well that was sudden
12:17 AM - metaknight145: No setting the scene
12:17 AM - metaknight145: No discriptions
12:17 AM - metaknight145: Just yelling
12:17 AM - metaknight145: And twilight just accepts it.
12:17 AM - metaknight145: As we all know.
12:18 AM - Stiggerzz: lol
12:18 AM - metaknight145: Twilight is the type of character to just let people yell at her and not do anything about.
12:18 AM - metaknight145: Wait.
12:18 AM - Stiggerzz: this is a very nice pie I'm eating
12:18 AM - metaknight145: Are we talking about Twilight or Fluttershy?
12:18 AM - metaknight145: What kind of pie?
12:19 AM - metaknight145:
Twilight slid down from her seat and hugged her sister, helping her up. They had a lengthy talk, which soon turned into an argument. The pony had left. That pony had been Alpine Bloom, Twilight's younger sister.
12:19 AM - metaknight145: *scraches head*
12:19 AM - metaknight145: >soon turned into an argument
12:19 AM - Stiggerzz: Bacon, cheese, and beef
12:19 AM - metaknight145: >soon
12:19 AM - metaknight145: How does screaming at her for not inviting you to the coronation not count as an argument?
12:20 AM - metaknight145: It kind of started out that way
12:20 AM - metaknight145: I am really starting to think she is just a magical creation of children twilight and Twilight filed her away in her memories as imaginary friend.
12:21 AM - Stiggerzz: lol
12:21 AM - metaknight145: More interesting than the bullshit Op gives us to work with
12:21 AM - Stiggerzz: indeed
12:22 AM - metaknight145:
Alpine Bloom lifted her hoof and banged on the castle door.
A young dragon opened it, heaving the door open, just enough for Alpine Bloom to pass through.
'Hi! I'm Spike!' said the dragon, obviously very tired.
12:22 AM - metaknight145: >spike doesn't know her
12:23 AM - metaknight145:
See this is what I mean. Even internally with this story she doesn't seem to exist except while twilight is involved.
12:23 AM - metaknight145:
'Oh! I'm sorry if I woke you up. Can I see Twilight?' Alpine Bloom asked Spike.
12:24 AM - metaknight145: >middle of the fucking night
12:24 AM - metaknight145: >not expecting to wake them up
12:24 AM - metaknight145: >asking to see the princess at this hour
12:24 AM - metaknight145: Considering your outburst at the happiest day of Twilight's life.
12:25 AM - metaknight145: I don't think you're the type to not consider sneaking in as a first option.
12:25 AM - metaknight145: Oh wait I got another idea
12:25 AM - metaknight145: It could just be Discord fucking with Twilight with an imaginary frined of hers from her childhood.
12:26 AM - metaknight145:
'You mean Princess Twilight Sparkle. And yeah, you can.' said Spike, running up the stairs.
12:26 AM - metaknight145: >this hour
12:26 AM - metaknight145: >yeah you can
12:26 AM - metaknight145: Clearly. Spike hasn't gotten over having to do all the writing for the last episode
12:27 AM - metaknight145: And is going to ruin twilight's sleep for this as revenge.
12:27 AM - metaknight145:
'Wait, what did she look like?'asked a lavender alicorn.
12:27 AM - metaknight145: >lavender alicorn
12:27 AM - metaknight145: Yep.
12:27 AM - metaknight145: Gotta have lavender syndrome.
12:27 AM - metaknight145: isn't a shitty fanfiction without that
12:28 AM - metaknight145:
'Well, she had blue eyes, a light blue coat, a light blue horn, fading to dark blue with a golden spiral winding up it and a crown with a light blue gemstone in it.' said Spike hurriedly.
12:28 AM - metaknight145: >golden spiral
12:29 AM - metaknight145: 
12:29 AM - metaknight145: Just when I thought this OC hit rock bottom
12:29 AM - metaknight145: We had to dig further
12:30 AM - metaknight145:
'Send messages to the other bearers of the Elements, and get them here immediately. I'll see this mystery mare, she sounds like a princess, but not one I've ever heard of.' Twilight mused as she cantered down the steps.
12:31 AM - metaknight145: Since when has Twilight refered to her friends as such after they gave them up?
12:31 AM - metaknight145: I think she'd just say "the gang" or "my friends"
12:32 AM - metaknight145: That seems like a Celestia, luna, and various other ponies of equestria thing
12:32 AM - metaknight145:
Twilight saw the pony in the main hall before the pony saw her.
'Who are you?' asked Twilight.
In response the mare used her odd horn to sheath her cloak in a golden glow, before she took it off, revealing a flowing blue mane and a pair of wings. Under her wings though, was a cutie mark that Twilight knew and loved.
12:32 AM - metaknight145: Wait. If the wings were under the cloak.
12:32 AM - metaknight145: And hidden
12:33 AM - metaknight145: How did Spike know she was an alicorn?
12:33 AM - metaknight145: Interal consistancy at least please
12:33 AM - metaknight145:
'Alpine Bloom! But, you're an alicorn, and a princess!' Twilight gasped in shock at her younger sister.
'Yes. Now I'm an alicorn. But Twily, I've missed you so much!' cried the alicorn, running towards Twilight to give her a big hug.
12:34 AM - metaknight145: Yes. Now I'm an alicorn.
12:34 AM - metaknight145: She says in a maud tone of voice.
12:34 AM - metaknight145: Its nothing.
12:34 AM - metaknight145: You're just an alicorn
12:34 AM - metaknight145: no big deal.
12:34 AM - metaknight145: Larson is back so its expected.
12:35 AM - metaknight145:
The sisters embraced, them broke apart.
The similarities and differences between them were clear. Alpine Bloom wore her horse shoes and crown, Twilight did not. Alpine Bloom was taller, Twilight was shorter. Alpine Bloom had a long wavy blue mane, sparkling with magic, Twilight did not.
12:35 AM - metaknight145: Alpine was a virgin.
12:35 AM - metaknight145: Twilight was not.
12:36 AM - metaknight145: Alpine was clean of all STDs.
12:36 AM - metaknight145: Twilight was not.
12:36 AM - metaknight145: Alpine was perfect in everyway.
12:36 AM - metaknight145: Twilight was not.
12:37 AM - metaknight145:
I'm sure I could keep on going.
12:37 AM - metaknight145: That wasn't me that said that.
12:37 AM - metaknight145: That was OP
12:37 AM - metaknight145: OP put a comment in the middle of a story that didn't have a single one uptil now
12:38 AM - metaknight145: Oh wow
12:38 AM - metaknight145: Are you ready for this next bit?
12:38 AM - metaknight145: You gotta be ready for the level of stupid this is gonna be
12:38 AM - Stiggerzz: bring it on
12:38 AM - metaknight145:
Alpine Bloom looked more like Celestia, even than Celestia did.
12:38 AM - metaknight145: Alpine looked more like Celestia than Celestia looks like Celestia.
12:39 AM - metaknight145: I will be back. There's a wall calling for a meeting with my foreheadd
12:40 AM - Stiggerzz: hue
12:40 AM - metaknight145:
There came a knock on the door. Alpine Bloom opened it with her magic, to reveal Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, staring at them in shock. Finally, Rarity said 'Another alicorn!' and promptly fainted.
12:40 AM - metaknight145: Well. That's in character at least.
12:41 AM - Stiggerzz: lel
12:41 AM - metaknight145: Except for the lack of angry grumbling from the rest of them
12:41 AM - metaknight145:
Author's Note:
Yeah. First chapter and all. Please tell me if there is anything I need to fix.
12:41 AM - metaknight145: Everything.
12:41 AM - Stiggerzz: I'm just picturing Vegeta from DBZA shouting "DO I HEAR 'FIVE'?"
12:42 AM - metaknight145: kek
12:42 AM - Stiggerzz: >originally 2 alicorns
12:42 AM - Stiggerzz: >then 3
12:42 AM - Stiggerzz: >than a fourth
12:42 AM - Stiggerzz: >now a fifth
12:42 AM - metaknight145: Actually 6
12:42 AM - metaknight145: You forgot the baby
12:43 AM - Stiggerzz: tru
12:44 AM - metaknight145: I'm not doing 2 Who's there?
12:44 AM - metaknight145: This story has not earned me to continue
12:45 AM - Stiggerzz: lel
12:45 AM - metaknight145: Even if its only 384 words
The opinions in this commentary are exaggerated for entertainment and all insults are leveled at the actual writing and characters, none directly at the author.
Scrap the chapter and rewrite with a new story concept. That's the only way to fix this mess.
God, it feels like 2012 all over again.
I opened this expecting a Twi/Shining femdom/feminization clopfic review.