Fifty-two stories... · 5:18pm Aug 16th, 2016
I used to write a blog post every ten stories. It was kind of a little treat, a tiny reward for myself for having reached sort of another milestone and take a moment to reflect on what had happened, what I had done right, what I had done wrong, or simply what I had done.
Early this year, I reached 50 stories with "Raise the sun", but I didn't feel like it was fitting to write the usual blog post. Maybe because "Raise the sun", no matter how badly written a story it was, had been a project I had wanted to realize since a very long time and yet I had felt empty when it was said and done. Maybe because the story got a very "meh" reception.
So I waited. And wrote "The shadow". I couldn't say why, but I also felt empty afterwards, even if, this time, the story got the best reception any of my stories had ever gotten, except maybe for "The last Pinkie promise".
Six months have passed since, I have finally found some time to write again and yet I wasn't sure if I would finally write the blog post or not, because I couldn't really see the point.
And then I stumbled upon a story from Regidar When You Were God, which was a good poem as far as I could tell, but most importantly there was a response from Regidar to a comment that caught all of my attention:
I wasted all my high school career writing horsewords
protip: don't do this unless you're rich
abject poverty and being massively in debt isn't much fun [...]
I can say I both agree and object, while not being in a position to do either of those (also, I'm going to avoid discussing politic).
I object because writing on a computer has that huge advantage to be pretty cheap in direct costs. It's like playing theater, it doesn't cost much so it's open to the less fortunate: all you need is your body and some self confidence. Even more, writing gives you the impression to have achieved something more than you should have been able to. I know what a life made only of work looks and feel like. It eats your f***ing soul away. We are human being: we yearn for more.
Still, I must agree with him because no matter what, writing tends not to pay much or at all. It's not much of a problem if you write casually, just for fun, a little story without much ambition. But unless you're incredibly skilled, improving your writing, planing a story, working on the idea, the characters, the introduction, every single word and formulation of your text only to begin all over again when you find out it was stupid to begin with, well that takes a huge amount of time and the progress can be very slow. Sometimes it can give you the impression you are stagnating. Sometimes it gives you the impression you're regressing. Le jeu "Layers of fear" gives a good representation of what it can feel like.
But I guess I do not get to really comment on it because the truth is I'm part of the privileged ones. I'm part of the middle class. I used to define "being rich" as "being able to buy a sandwich at the train station without fear of financial consquences". Under that definition I am rich. and I have a very good job (that I hate, but that has nothing to do with anything) that leaves me enough time to care about writing ponies (when I'm not having a panic attack from all the stress).
So I get to write ponies.
I don't know what that means or implies. It's just a fact: I get to write ponies.
I guess I don't know whether I should enjoy that fact, feel ashamed or just embarassed.
Life is weird.
Well, time to look on what happened those last thirteen stories on the span of basically a year and a half.
1) I guess the most noticeable thing is the dramatic reading from Night Star. It was very unexpected and fun. I still don't know why she chose that story though... On a marketing perspective, it makes little sense. Still, there are things I wish any writer (or people who like writing like me). To get a very touching comment from a reader, to get a very detailed comment from a reader and now to have someone record a good reading of your story. Those are simple yet very poignant and strong experiences to have lived.
2) The show is still AMAZING! (it's subjective, but heck, having a baby alicorn was kind of a reason to worry... so I'm relieved)
3) the six months lag...
Okay, I didn't even realized that six months had passed between "The shadow" and "Cogito Ergo Sum". The urge for writing was never gone, but I was always too tired from work (so much stress) or unable to write anything good. I've stacked a dozen stories I've begun and abandonned. I must also admit I felt an imaginary yet very strong pressure after the "success" of "The shadow" to write something that wouldn't be complete garbage.
It's funny, but being ignored is actually very good, as it offers the freedom to write anything you want without caring too much about people's reactions. You take as granted that most people won't like what you do, so you don't have to try to please them.
I'll stop at that, but I want to write it somewhere, so it better be here:
Everytime I finish a story, I go find a picture to illustrate it, post it on fimfiction and then I usually go to sleep because it's midnight or two in the morning. And everytime, all I can think is: "When I'm going to wake up, the story will have been been ignored, or maybe hated because it's stupid and badly written, so don't expect too much". Then, in the morning, the story has usually mostly been ignored, which is a relief because people didn't hate it, or sometimes I realize people did hate it and only rarely do I get to feel like people really liked and enjoyed reading the story, which is great because it means I didn't write it for me alone.
The last two stories I've written were pretty well enjoyed by the readers. I know the next one probably won't be. That's okay. I need that freedom to experiment, to write whatever it is I want. Objectively speaking, I'm probably happier doing my own thing in my little corner than doing one thing over and over again to please others.
Still, who knows, one day I might find a way to do both.
So, let's review the stories:
1) The thistle: That story was just me having fun. I wanted to paint a silent portrait. I used to take long ballads in the forest, so I'm no stranger to wasting time observing a flower. I haven't much to say there. It's just Fluttershy looking at a thistle. I guess I was just reflecting on my military service and what could have had happened would my country have been involved in an armed conflict.
2) Under the moon's watch: The quest for justice is a weird one. I once said that I would agree to be forced to do something only if everybody else (without exception) was also forced to do the same thing. Then I got told I was the problem with the world. The truth is it's a complex matter. Doing the right thing can be wrong. Not doing the right thing is wrong too. Many factors have to be considered for every situation and in the end, you feel very powerless to prevent your world to be destroyed around you. There isn't much to be said. There is no easy solution. But for what it's worth: I love my country. Probably one of the closest place on earth to an actual Equestria (it's all an illusion, but who cares...).
3) The magic mirror: I was looking for new ideas. I can't rely on my writing to make a story worth being written, so I need interesting things to talk about. It's also just more fun. I can't remember how I came to the idea of the magic mirror, but there is a clear link to "Huis-clos" from Sartre (no matter how much I dislike Sartre, the guy was a genius in his own right). At first, the story was supposed to end with just Spike, where it had begun. Then Pinkie Pie came in, I'm not sure why. It was just fun I guess. I think I just wanted to write a long diatribe about all the things that Twilight is. Pinkie and Twilight are just so fun to pair.
4) Caved in: Long story short, I felt that I could give another point of view about a very well known english story that I had just discovered. Having Applejack refusing to recognize she is in love with Rainbow Dash and the latter also being in love with the first one was fun. I thought the whole thing could be considered sort of tragic. I really like the concept. Maybe it was just the link with the well known story that made the story so bad. Or my execution of it. I should try to find a new context to make it work better. Maybe with Fluttershy. And Rainbow Dash. It's like there is a target on the poor mare. But it could work. And maybe play a bit with the two complex of inferiority and superiority, for Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy respectively. I would have to twist the characters a bit though, mostly for Fluttershy. She is shown as way too kind to have a superiority complex... Oh well, another failed idea.
5) In Celestia we trust: When I talk about the right to take risks I should simply point to that story. People hated it and I can understand why. I know how heated the religious debate is in the US and that story is made in the context of that debate. The ending is pretty bad though, but the point was "people are irrational, that's just how people are, me, you, everyone". I still like the story. I have spent countless hours trying to understand that weird US religious debate (it simply doesn't exist in my country, yet we have 20% atheists and God is mentionned in the very first line of the constitution), so I felt the right to at least let some steam off. Also, the idea of scientists trying to figure out the laws of the universe in a cartoon world is something I consider funny and interesting to wonder about.
Also, I had taken a lot of time to try to find out what a spiritual experience might feel like and reproduce it in the story. I thought I had done a good job in that regard.
Still, it took me two months to get over all the backlash I had received. 
6) Do I know you: That story got a pretty good reception. And after the last two stories, it was kind of a breath of fresh air. The idea came from real life: I know nothing about nobody. I used to go to the police from times to times and I was once told it was unebelievable I wouldn't know the birth date of my mother. But I don't. And I couldn't tell you how old she is. so I wondered: does it means I'm a bad person? And why do my friends still consider me their friends despite that? The rest of the story was just asking "And what would Twilight do?".
7) Nothing: I love writing about nothing. Nothing is great. There is magic in nothing. Still, the whole story is just one play on word dragged on forever. But that illustrates one point though: when I wrote that story, I went to bed telling myself people wouldn't like it, and people didn't like it. I'm so glad I didn't set up too much expectations that night.
I'm still thinking about exploiting the concept of somebody saying something and that having huge consequences despite being objectively nothing. It's just that I couldn't find any way to make it interesting...
8) Tomorrow won't come: Some children go to bed afraid they might not wake up in the morning. I go to bed praying not to wake up the next morning. Because tomorrow means I have to go back to work and pretend I know what I'm doing again while hoping nobody will find out I have no idea whatsoever. I would probably be ready to doom the entire world if I could get to have an eternal night. Yet we would just be working during night wouldn't we... But when I wrote that story, I really needed to hear those words: "tomorrow won't come". And also the ending words: "Tomorrow will come, and it will be a better, brighter and happier day. I promise.". Because deep down, that's what most days have objectively been, even in the worst of times.
9) Pretend: That story was an experience to write. I've always had the idea that we live in a world that is nothing else than an illusion we have built for ourselves to overcome reality. "The truth and the veil" was already about that concept, while playing with the fact the ponies are in an imaginary world. But with "Pretend", I wanted to explore a new aspect of the concept: what would it be really like to accept the reality? I remember the foundation of that story was a very powerful moment from a panel of the voice actresses when a girl asked what they could tell to someone who had lived and was living through some very hard times (I'm paraphrasing). I remember having paused the video and wondered what could be responded to such a question. It got me thinking and there I ended, in a story about three young children who are growing up and have to face a world that isn't as great as they could hope for and how they cope with the situation.
What I found out though is that the reality is frightening to look at, but can also be quite interesting and dare I say beautiful. But that's just my opinion...
The story got a lot of good feedback and yet I feel it's still underrated. But at the same time: who cares 
.
10) The day Twilight saved love: Two things: first I wanted to write a story with Flash Sentry for a long time. Second, love and friendship, once you analyze them, are so very alike. Take lust out of love and you get a deep and strong friendship (you know, like how Lyra and BonBon are clearly just friends 
). So with that story, I wanted to explore the concept a bit.
Also, there is one huge difference between love and friendship. When a friend leaves or does something you dislike, you can just take your distance and wait it out. I had a friend who disappeared for ten years and then reappeared. We simply shook hands and went to drink a beer like in the old days. Friendship is just friendship, no matter what. But love is something else. Love can turn into hatred. Pure, unfiltered, violent hatred. That's what makes it so much more interesting and dangerous. I wouldn't mind having a spin-off cartoon about Cadance trying to learn about the magic of love, with maybe less restrictions on how violent the show can get.
I still want to write a story about just Cadance studying love. But I still don't know how to make it any sort of good.
11) Raise the sun: As I said, I hate waking up in the morning. I wrote that story during a moment of my life when I was feeling more tired than usual, so I tried to transcribe it into words. I clearly didn't have the vocabulary or just the basic talent to make it work, but in my head it's still great. Just on the concept, I like the idea of playing on Celestia having to make the sun go up and Celestia having to get up herself. I spent a lot of time on the comparison between her eyes and the two windows of the room.
But it's clearly a "self insert story". That winter was pretty cold 
.
Hey, nobody disliked the story at leat, so I guess it wasn't "that bad".
12) The shadow: I don't know... All I remember is "Who I am" playing over and over.
...
Okay, truth be told, I feel like people missed the point of the story. My vision of it is that people saw a worldbuilding fanfiction about the origin of the two sisters. And yes, that's part of the story. It makes a good first layer to entertain. And the Selena/Celestia homophony was too good not to exploit. But what was important for me personnally wasn't the nature of Celestia as a shadow, but of Luna as a, for lack of a better term, human. A human who can be ashamed of what she reads (or the pictures she looks at), who drinks alcohol, who knows she is not so great and who still enjoys life regardless.
I once rejected a girl and a friend of mine asked me why (given of single I am). I tried to explain to him she was clearly in love not with me but with someone else she thought I was. Basically, she didn't like me, she liked my shadow. So it had little chances of working out in the end.
But still, given the success of the story, I wanted to see if I had suddenly actually made something good and submitted the story to Equestria Daily, which is a good indicator if you lack one. I was basically told I should change my writing style to adapt it to the what people are more accustomed to. To make it correspond to what people consider "good". So I spent a lot of time first accepting that I was wrong and they were probably right. Then I spent a lot of time figuring out the trick to do it.
And then, for a long time, everything I would write felt like crap.
Then I watched Angel Beats which is a silly not so great anime that touched me deeply for a reason I'm still not sure to understand and only didn't make me cry because I made serious efforts not to cry. In other words: despite its many obvious flaws, it's a great anime. But one thing etched in my memory, the motto: "Rebels against the God".
It gave me my rebel soul back, reminded me that I owed nobody nothing and should go back to just have fun challenging everything. And from that came "Cogito Ergo Sum".
13) Cogito Ergo Sum: Long ago, when I was about fourteen, I had a professor who was supposed to give us a philosophy lesson. He told us about things that were objective and things that were subjective. I remember that I pestered him by challenging every example of something objectively true until I came to the conclusion my professor didn't understand what he was teaching us. I still don't understand why he didn't give me Descartes's reasoning. That would have shut the young me up. But I'm older now, and still a useless prick so I can challenge ideas again just for the fun of challenging stuff.
I wondered: is there any way Descartes could have been wrong. And long story short: yes, many ways. One of them was so perfectly adaptable to the ponies that I had to write it. Even better, the work has been less stressful lately, so I found some time, opened a bottle of whine and just let the flow take me away while trying no to derive too much.
One thing I can say about that story: I tried. I may be a stupid prick, but I really tried.
I never referenced to Twilight as "the alicorn" or "the purple mare" and I limited to the minimal the direct adjectives while explaining emotions through pure descriptions. I may have not done it perfectly, but I tried to do it as people wanted me to do it.
I guess that makes me a stupid insecure prick instead 
.
Oh, and I love the picture I found to illustrate the story. It seems to come to a shipping of Pinkie Pie and Twilight, but taken out of context, it's pretty innocent. And it sums up the story very well: "I don't know, so let's just listen to the rain".
***
From all those thirteen stories, there are only two I would consider as medium or bad:
"Tomorrow won't come", because I didn't take enough time and care to make it actually good (as I said, writing a good story takes a huge amount of time and investment).
"Nothing", because it's just a play on word and not much more.
So going back to Regidar's saying, I should finish by aknowledging the rest of what he said:
[...] still though, it is nice having a tangible record of how my writing skill improved over time
I'll write one last anecdote about that before I can call this rambling over:
"Long ago I was drawing and a girl came to me to tell me she would have loved to be able to draw like me. It didn't make sense at the time, because I've never been really good at drawing (unlike my brothers who are better at everything anyway). But now I understand she would have wanted to have a way to express her feelings like I could. To make what she had inside of her exist outside of her, in the real world, in the concrete physical world."
When I look at my stories, I don't see improvement. In fact, I think some of my best stories still are some of my very first, because of nostalgia, or because they were just really that good.
But I made the joke with "Cogito Ergo Sum" that "I write pony stories therefore I exist". But it's kinda true.
If someone were to ask me what I have achieved in my life, I think those 52 stories, as ridiculous as they are, would be my answer, because despite their faults, they are proofs that I existed, not just because I wrote them, but because there is a part of me, lof my life, of who I was, of who I am, of my pains and my joys in each of them.
I'm not saying I would exchange what wealth I have for those stories if I had to choose. I quite enjoy being able to eat every day and having a roof over my head (and not having a shower/tub that regurgitates mud once or twice every week anymore, but that's beside the point).
I just feel that people should have both.
The right to survive.
And the right to feel alive.
If anyone who comes through here wants links to the stories:
1. The thistle
2. Under the moon's watch
3. The magic mirror
4. Caved in
5. In Celestia we trust
6. Do I know you?
7. Nothing
8. Tomorrow won't come
9. Pretend
10. The day Twilight saved love
11. Raise the sun
12. The shadow
13. Cogito ergo sum
During the last months, I've spent much less time on pony sites. Just in the last few week(s), I've got back into the pony groove a bit, and it manges to surprise me with the amount of good on this site:
You belong to those good people.
Aside from that,
Woho, someone else that thinks so. Sure, some episodes have had their blunders, but I truthfully have enjoyed many of them.
I guess this shows that you truly enjoy to write, and not only do it for fame. It's an interesting and, dare I say, rare outlook. I worry when I see people doing the same thing over and over because they feel preassured to, or that the (loud part of their) audience expects one thing, and one thing only. Authors here have burned out from writing the same thing over and over. I could mention some examples, but that's not for here. Point being, keep on doing what you do. It may take 6 months, or a year, but you have a good outlook on writing.
Oh, that explains why they always show up at like 2AM
Overall though, congratulations on another reached milestone!
See you at the 60-story one?
4153273
I could spend hours explaining everything that is great about those last episodes. The weird thing is, Lauren Faust said she feels like we don't miss her, by which I think she means she feels like if we can enjoy the show without her working on it, then she didn't have that much an impact all things considered. But most if not everything I like about the last episodes are basically the same things that I enjoyed from the very beginning of the show. The effort, the care for details, the subtlety, the overall fun, the characters she created.
It's not like she isn't missed, it's like a part of her is still there making sure we have something to enjoy (thanks to the staff who works hard for that).
It's never too late to try something new
. I certainly won't blame them, but I hope they can find the wisdom to take some new risks.
Will see
. I hope so.